The Things I Wish I Could Say

Dad?

You know, I've never really thought of you as a bad guy up until a year or so ago. Even still, I don't think of you as a bad guy. I just think that you have very toxic relationships with your 'loved' ones. I mean, look at you and Grandma. She says jump, you say "to which star?" But yet, when Mom asks for a little help around the house with chores, you can't ever seem to do it. You walk all over Mom. What kind of example are you setting for me? Don't forget the other daughter too. But I bet that's pretty easy, you have a favorite out of the three of us. It's not like you're sly about it either, it just made more sense why you treated us differently the older I got.

I remember all of our "conversations." Do you? Oh yeah that's right cause when we would actually talk and converse, you'd be too drunk to remember it in the morning. You can't act like you do either. I'm smarter than you think I am. If it seems like I favor Mom, you'd be right. Mom's my hero now, but if you would've asked me before we moved, I'd say my dad was. What happened when we moved? What happened when I got sick? If I didn't get sick would you have cheated? If I didn't get sick would things be better between you and Mom? Would things have worked out the way Mom wanted? Probably not knowing your mother. Imagine that, nine years old, your grandma telling you, that you're too fat to wear that shirt, "it needs to cover all of that tummy." Tugging on a shirt you think fits you pretty well. Only to pull a shirt ten times too big for you off of the shelf instead.

Your mother gave me an eating disorder. How many meals do you think I ate a day? Maybe like 2-3 a snack between? No. Nothing. I ate maybe once a day at work. Id have a small snack at the house because if you saw me eating something when it wasn't a meal time you'd get angry at me for "eating too much" when I wasn't even eating enough to begin with. How many nights a week do you think I went hungry to bed because "if I didn't eat what was on my plate, I can go to bed hungry"? Do you know how hard it is to swallow food that my brain doesn't like? Meats. You never understood it, but I don't know how else to describe it as a texture thing. Imagine, biting into a nice squishy orange, chewing on this orange over and over, you know eating it, when all of a sudden you hear a crunch between your teeth. Shivers run from your teeth, to your toes, your mouth starting to water, your throat beginning to tighten, then, you begin to gag, but all you can do is just keep chewing because if you spit it out, you'd get yelled at.

I don't eat around you anymore because of it. Food tastes better when I don't have to be around you. You might not like him, but he makes me feel safe. He asks me how my day is, he'll listen to me. He does the things you don't do. When was the last time you asked me how my day was? Or even how I was feeling?

How many times have I asked you?

Mom wants change. You want change. We all want change. I don't think you know what change you need to make. We do good for a week or so after we all talk about changes, but then it just falls into the same pattern. You get angry, and the rest of us are fearful of you. You've never laid a hand on us, but you've still abused us all. Emotional and mental abuse are abuse. Just because it doesn't leave a physical mark doesn't mean it doesn't effect our health.

Narcissist. That's what you are. You're a narcissist. You can never do wrong, it's always someone else's fault. You always have an excuse, "a bad day at work," "someone didn't load a cup and the cat knocked it over this morning," "I left my pants on the bathroom floor last night for an hour," "the shoes by the door are messed up again." Your excuses are getting old. It's not us. It's you. You'll never admit it though. You don't want to blame yourself. You'll never blame yourself.

You tell us we need to hold accountability for our actions. Why don't you for once? Admit you have a drinking problem. Do you know what makes you an alcoholic? Google it, actually I did for you. According to the National Institution of Alcohol Abuse and Alcoholism, "consuming more than 4 drinks on any day or more than 14 drinks per week," considers you a heavy drinker. How many beers do you have a night on average? Too many to count?

I love you to death, you're my father and I'd do almost anything for you, but the past few years are starting to make sense now that I'm older. You're a narcissistic alcoholic. You need help. You won't get help though. If you won't get help, then I guess you don't need me in your life anymore. You've always told me as soon as I'm 18 I can make my own decisions. My first decision, cutting you off. I will no longer sit and take your lectures and your manipulative tactics. You've threatened to move out so many times and you've only done it twice? I'm not threatening anything. I'm promising, the morning of my birthday, you will no longer get to see my location, your contact will no longer be easy to find. Facebook? I'll unfriend you. I'll remove you from all of my social medias. Don't worry though, I'll be out of the house by the fourth. It's not like my stuff will be packed up and ready to go.

This is my farewell, the words I wish I could've said. Goodbye for now hopefully. I would like to have a relationship with you, but you need to fix yourself. Get sober. See a therapist. Figure out your own shit, then give me a call. You just better hope by then, you didn't fuck up so bad that you can no longer find me.

Forever and always your daughter.

- Kira.