The Things I Wish I Could Say

Uncle

I miss you. I wish I could remember the last thing I said to you. I'm so mad that I can't, I think it was along the lines of, "I'll see you later," or maybe it was just, "goodbye," with a wave and a half smile. I let you in when things got rough and you understood me. You didn't make me let you in, you just waited and finally I just opened up. You might not be my uncle by blood, but blood doesn't mean you have to love. The people you meet along the way mean just as much if not more to you than the people who've been there since you were in the womb. I've had a lot of family whom I love more than my blood family. You, you were one of them.

I always loved coming over to your house. The music playing downstairs and I just drawing away at the kitchen table as she made you breakfast for in the morning. Those memories will always be the fondest. The times you guys dragged me downstairs and wrapped your arms around my shoulder swaying to the music singing your heart out almost spilling your drink. I never really liked drunk people because of my dad, but I liked being around you, drunk or sober you never judged or made me feel less than myself.

It's been almost three years now and I still miss you. I seen your, your daughter was driving it and it made me think you were here still. I wanted to wave and smile to you but it wasn't you. I cried the rest of the way home. I know you're still with me, I feel you sometimes. I felt you then, at my birthday concert. It was you and I know it was. It was too much of a coincidence to not be you. The day after my 18th birthday your favorite band was playing a birthday bash, only $75 dollars for the tickets and $120 for gas. I couldn't pass it up and it was the best concert I've ever been to. You gave me my love for rock music, though it's deviated from the 90s rock you listen to, it's now heavy and full of emotion, I still listen to your favorite songs. I cried like a baby at the concert. The songs reminded me too much of you and I couldn't help but smile and remember you playing those songs for me in the basement. You were there when he proposed. It was cold but then a warmth wrapped around my shoulder just as it did when we would dance downstairs. I stopped crying and enjoyed myself. If only I had known that you would change my life the way you did, would I have changed anything?

You pushed me to believe in myself and follow my dreams. I graduated high school, you were there weren't you? When I walked across that stage I heard you, maybe it was in my head but I heard you screaming for me too. I graduated the way you wanted me to. When we talked about it in the garage as I was messing with my longboard unsure of what I'd do with my life you gave me the idea. You sparked a light in me. I use your hood still. It needs a new battery. It's still the same one you had, there's more scratches in it now and the stickers are more worn down. It makes me sad to see how I've used it, but don't worry, I've got another one, I'm making it my own the way you would've loved to see. Yours it's going on the wall, I have the same stickers you have on it and I'm going to clean it up replace the worn stickers and put it on the wall, take the battery out that you had and hang them both up. You helped me get through my classes in that hood. You helped me get certified. You'll help me get this job right? Maybe I'll be closer to you there too, the same thing you did, I'll walk by your office and I'll think of you. I idolize you. You were a good person and a great friend.

I miss you, Tony. I miss you more than any words could ever express. I have regrets and many of them lead back to you, not that I regret you being in my life but not letting you in sooner, not remembering the last thing you told me.

I want to show you my truck, my sweet little Bandit boy. The beat down ford ranger on his last legs who I still kick into gear and blast your songs on the radio. I hope your proud of me. I'm going to be a marine, fight for what I believe is right and try to make a difference. I'm only one person but you heard my voice even when it was just a whisper. You changed my perspective and I wish I could give you one last hug. Listen to one last song. Get drunk and dance around like no one's watching.

I thank you for all the memories you gave me, the dreams you've given me, the amazing taste in vehicles being a motorcycle, atv, or truck. You'll always be in my heart no matter where I go.

No, no I'm never letting go
I'm lighting up the sky
Burning through a life
If I had only known when I was so young
Never taking time
Never take it slow
But would I be alive? Or would I ever know?
If I wasn't lighting up the sky

I can't even sing it without my voice cracking, you'd love this song. I don't even hear him singing it, it's you singing it to me. I love you. Please, watch over me till I can come and see you again. I'll bring all the plastic bottles I can for Freckles and Penny's up there with you too, I'll bring a case of cold ones and we can enjoy the beers with our toes in the water and our asses in the sand, no worries in the world.