Set Free

End.

3 days later.

"Hi, mami.", I say as I sit down.

She doesn't respond, and I expected it. ALS has been making her weaker for the past two years and I want to say whatever I have to before it takes her away.

"Mami, just know I love you. But I need to say the things that have been in my chest since I was younger. I don't wanna hurt you, especially as the role model I had growing up. But if I don't do this, my heart will keep bringing the weight that I can't let go."

I take a deep breath.

"I'm sorry, mami. But I'm glad you can't speak anymore. I was always scared as a child to speak up. No matter how much people would tell me that opening up once can lead to an open relationship forever, I still couldn't. Because everything I say, everything I convey, would always turn into an argument. I was tired, mami. Tired of explaining things that you barely gave the effort to understand. So I just left you to control me and think that you knew who I was. I made you think that I was your great, perfect, noble daughter.

I hated how I wanted different things from you. I hated going to social events while you forced me to go. I hated how you always made me go because I was part of this or that. I never had the obligation to go. And what's even worse is, my social life was so fucked up in those times when I was with you. My social battery kept draining out; you didn't even notice. I kept trying to escape the events you'd bring me to. If you didn't allow me to leave, I'd ask to go to the bathroom and lock myself in.

You tore apart the relationship I had with my friends. You could've told me gently that I should be careful who to trust but you decided to fuck me up by saying that my friends were bullshit.

I never opened up after you told me those things. I would be afraid that they would tell other people. And even the friend I trusted the most, I couldn't say a single truthful word.

Remember how I told you Nat was like a sister to me? We were close, but I was so damn fake."

I chuckle, unable to stop myself.

"I had to place so much effort trying to keep the conversation going without her diving into the deep topics. Because... all of them were about you, mami.

Another problem we had is that you're my mother. After you caught me talking shit behind your back, which I know, is my fault, you input into my mind that I should always make you seem good as your daughter.

It was so hard. So. fucking. hard. I protected you at all costs. I'd say you were better to me whenever my friends brought you up. But it was all false. You continued being a bitch, expecting so much from me. You continuously made me work and whenever you'd see me dozing off, you'd think I'm a lazy motherfucker.

So I worked and worked. I worked so fucking hard, I gave up my social life. I worked so fucking hard, I barely texted anyone. I worked so fucking hard, I barely had any friends.

They thought that we were good. That our friendship was great. But in my point of view, they didn't deserve me. They didn't deserve how shitty I was to not text. They didn't deserve me who can't listen when they needed someone. They didn't deserve to deal with a whole ass mess, which was me. So thank you, mami, for making me work so hard, that I grew up barely knowing how true friendships work.

Your expectations of me were so high, and I was so dumb to keep following your morals. I was so dumb to keep tiring myself. I was so dumb to tell the teacher I opened up to that everything was okay between you and me when it wasn't.

She asked 'How's everything between you and your mom? Everything good now?'

Do you know how I answered, mami? I fucking nodded. Fucking. Nodded. Nod means yes, right? But do you know what you told me at home the night before she asked me that?

You told me that I was a stupid, lazy, dumb person. You saw me on my phone, and you immediately insulted me.

Do you not see, mami? I'm trying so hard.

So. Fucking. Hard.

For you.

I worked my ass off day and night, hoping to impress you. But nothing was ever fucking enough. Why? Because you'd always tell me to do better the next time.

For once, mami, could you not have just stopped focusing on the future and told me I did a good job?

Mami, do you know how desperate I was to hear those words from you? I wanted to hear them from you, mami. So bad. I wanted to hear them from you, the person I was trying so hard to impress. But I never did. You always had to tell me to do better next time.

I kept so many things from you, from dad, from my friends, and from the people around me. I felt so isolated. I felt so lost, so alone.

And I felt like the only thing that could fix that was you saying I did a good job but I didn't even hear that once.

Never. Not once."

I wipe the tears from my eyes, needing a break.

"But I forgive you, mami. I forgive you. Because I love you.

But mami, the last favor, please. Can you please just squeeze my hand? I want to feel that you are proud of me. Please.

Even just that so I could finally free myself from all of it."

I walk closer to the bed. I hold her hand but they're immovable. I could see her face restricting as she tries to squeeze it.

Finally, I feel her squeeze three times. I smile as tears fall from my eyes. I am finally set free.

Quickly, a long beeping sound erupts from the right area of the room. Mami's eyes slid shut as I peek at the straight lines on the heart monitor.

I look at her.

Thank you, mami. Thank you for setting me free.