The Importance

Nearly to Summer Break

                                                                                 May 10, 2022

 This year, we get out of school on June 2nd. With finals just around the corner I have been studying, but I can't be cooped up at home forever. I have seen Alex and Emma a few times over the past month, only once though. They both looked at me like everyone else. I was an infection and they were afraid they were going to get contaminated.

I haven't been back to school once. Most of my time I spend inside and on the rare occasion that I do go outside, I will do whatever I can. Run, walk, ride a horse, and hang out with Jane and Peter's pets. Anything sounds nice. I haven't been in town for who knows how long. The farthest I have got away is up to the back fence in the hills of Jane and Peter's property. Whenever I go outside, I have an escort, either Jane or Peter.

They haven't left very much either and now take shifts on me, like I am a prisoner. I certainly feel like I am more trapped than when I was with Devland.

I'm sure Devland burned everything inside of his hideout because that would be the only logical thing to do. I feel bad though because of how nice that place was.

I have had many.....accidents with my new ability lately. I have been forgetful about it. The other day, I was cutting an apple for myself and the knife sliced into my finger. The pain sucked and I cursed myself because I knew Devland could feel it. There wasn't any blood but I did gasp. Peter was nearby and asked what had happened but I just lied to him.

Again.

I can't be alone except for when I lock myself in my room, which I have become accustomed to. Everyone else is running my life now. I don't make my own decisions. Jane and Peter have been looking at me differently recently and I sincerely hope that they don't know about anything. No one seems to trust anything about me anymore and most of the time, I believe the lies that I am telling because of the amount of times I have explained them.

My latest thoughts have been:

What if.....What if.....

I don't sleep much anymore either. I am always up, working on homework or trying to shut my mind down. I have also been "experimenting" lately. I know I shouldn't and I feel extremely guilty doing so but.....I cut myself just to watch the wound reseal. It is exactly like watching one of those time lapse videos that show a wound rehealing over a long period of days.

When people text me, I don't text back. When Jane and Peter knock on my door for dinnertime, I don't respond. I haven't been eating much lately, even though I do feel the pull of hunger.

"Alexia?" Jane's voice now, hovering outside my door, "have you finished all of your homework for today? I have another stack for next week." I can hear her breathing, sense her presence outside my door. "At least let me know you're still in there, Alexia," she desperately whispers.

"I'm still here. Yes." My voice is hoarse and out of shape. I have stopped singing and I'm not sure I could use my nice singing voice if I tried. I am too sick, from what, I don't know.

"Alexia, please come out and have some dinner with us." Her voice is ever the harmless again. It always has been.

I hate to hear her like this. I don't like to disappoint anyone. It is one of my weaknesses. I can't say no. I can't be mean because I am too wary about other's feelings, and I never focus on my own.

"At least take a shower. I've invited Emma and Alex over. You can't shut the world out with me around."

Why would she do that?