Tenn and Lark

Chapter 17: They Drove Away

After our counseling appointment, we stopped for some fast food and traveled home in silence for a while, each of us thinking, and not sharing, thoughts that were weighty and hard to hold. Our therapist had given us a great deal to think about, and I knew it was going to take a lot to sort it all out. The nearest thing I could compare what I felt like to was someone who'd fallen down a deep hole and was trying to puzzle my way out of it with some pieces of wood I had to cobble together to make a ladder.

In the fading light, I studied my husband's profile. Tenn was a gorgeous man, no doubt. Strong jaw, slightly crooked nose from a high school fight that was four against one -- Tenn being the one -- and he'd won. My husband was a fighter, always had been, so I had been especially hurt that he hadn't fought for our marriage.

Tenn glanced over at me and saw my eyes on him. "What are you thinking, Lark?"

I turned away from him and stared out the front windshield. "I'm thinking that I feel like I've fallen down a deep hole, and I don't know how to get out."

"I'll drop a ladder, climb down and help you out," he said seriously.

"I really wish it were that easy," I returned. 

"I do, too," he said, his voice low. "But my therapist -- Mark -- was telling me that my instinct would be to move past it, get back to normal as quick as possible. The person who did the betraying wants to return to the way everything was before the cheating. Clean slate, move on, fresh start. He also said that's not the right way to go about it. Glossing over shit doesn't help. He said it's like moving a piece of furniture over a stain on a carpet. The stain's still there, but it's hidden."

 "I guess it is," I agreed. "I just wonder if I'll always feel like this, if I'll always question your love for me."

"Not if I can help it," he vowed. "I'll move mountains, whatever it takes, to earn back your trust in me and my love for you, Lark."

His hand reached over and pressed my leg for a minute. "But, in the meantime, I'd like to invite you on a walk with me tomorrow after you get home from work."

"Doctor Hampton's homework?"

"Partly. And maybe I just want to spend some time with you."

You didn't want to spend time with me for two months.

I tensed and he felt it under his hand. "What?"

"I hate all the bitter thoughts I have, Tenn. My first reaction to you saying that was thinking you sure didn't want to spend any time with me for the two months when you had Trisha. You just forgot about me."

He inhaled deeply. "I never forgot about you. Ever."

"Your actions said you did."

"I'm sorry, Lark-girl."

And he was. I could hear it in his voice. But was sorry enough? So far, I wasn't sure.

"I want you to tell me whenever you have feelings like that. Whatever you're feeling, tell me. Whenever you have questions, I'll answer them. If you want to yell, yell at me. If you feel the need to hit something, hit me. I don't care what you do to me as long as you don't shut me out."

"You shut me out!" I took him up on his offer of sharing whatever I was feeling with him. Because after that session? I was feeling a lot. "You shut me out and it about killed me, Tenn. It about killed me."

My voice broke on the last word, and I started crying again, as if I hadn't cried enough in the therapist's office. Then I felt Tenn's hand on mine, holding it tight.