Can't fucking say it

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A word from the author:

I can't pinpoint the exact moment or place when this idea came to me. I do know it was during the pandemic, a time when I felt trapped and confined. My mind often wandered to my stories and other creative projects, a few of which had been lingering in my thoughts for quite some time.

With my family in the house, I found myself frequently experiencing sexual frustration with no outlet. It was from this unfulfilled, primal state that this story emerged. It delves into the concept of embracing deep, dark desires and the struggle of fully surrendering to them.

Why does this matter? Because it raises questions not only about desire but also acceptance. Do we accept our desires and allow ourselves to act upon them? What happens if we don't? What if we simply stand by and ignore the temptations that surround us? What if we restrain ourselves until all the inevitable consequences unfold? Does that make us stronger or weaker? Will it empower or destroy us? Am I defined solely by my desires?

Thus, this story became a hasty, rushed, and somewhat careless exploration of these themes. What if a nihilistic boy suddenly discovers his most fervent desire, only to despise it? What if that desire leads to pain, humiliation, and the destruction of another person—a person who derives pleasure from that very humiliation and destruction? Will he be capable of coming to terms with it or will he reject it outright? What if everything seems predetermined, yet he cannot resist succumbing to it? Are we merely victims of our desires, overpowered by an external force, or can he choose to embrace his darkness and create something new?

That being said, I wish I had cared more. I wish I had been brave enough to reread and proofread. However, the words flowed out of me like blood from a gruesome wound that I couldn't bear to look at. It hurt too much, and I knew it was too terrible to face the severity of it all over again.

Instead, I'd rather wait for it to run its course, to be done with it, and let it bleed until the bitter end.

And now... to the story's finale.

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