Chained To My Shadow || Loki Angst

<Chapter Seven> A Shameful Discovery

  The movie went on. Except for Bucky, who was watching with fascinated attention, the group slowly started drifting off. Even Loki. 

  He didn't know how he ended up here, but he was laying in Thor's lap with his brother slowly brushing his fingers through his raven locks. Perhaps it was their tiredness that prevented each of them from fully realising what they were doing. 

  Loki watched the dim TV screen through unfocused, half-lidded eyes, and for the first time in ages, he felt content. 

  His brother's willingness to get so close to Loki made him feel like he actually cared. The gentleness of his large fingers as they carded through his hair tempted him to melt further into the touch of brotherly love and compassion. The feeling was so foreign to him, yet so very welcome. 

  But then Thor froze, and Loki followed suit. It seemed as though he'd realised something. 

  "B-brother?" Loki spoke in barely more than a whisper as to not disturb the others. At this point barely anyone was watching the movie as it was put on more as a joke than anything, but he'd learned one could never be too careful. 

  "When did Loki last eat, did anyone notice?" Some of the others looked up. 

  Oh fuck. 

  "Nope, wasn't paying attention." 

  "I think I saw him take up a plate of some chicken and peas to his room at lunch. Not sure what he did with them afterwards." Bruce furrowed his eyebrows. "Why?" 

  Fuck fuck FUCK. 

  Shut up, please just shut up. Please- 

  "Loki?" 

  "I ate it in my room. I've told you before, I don't like eating in front of others." 

  "Loki, please tell the truth." 

  "I am! I'm not lying! I ate lunch, why wouldn't I?" 

  "Is that why you refused the breakfast I offered you this morning?" Thor realised. Loki was now sitting upright and alert. 

  "What? No!" 

  "...You look so thin, brother.. how come I never noticed..?" Thor's voice broke off a bit at the end as he stared down at the fragile frame of the trickster. 

  "I mean it's not like you ever look." Shit. That bit slipped out unintentionally. Well done, idiot, now you can't even cover it up with another lie. Your only defence mechanism was destroyed. Thor stared at him in bewilderment. 

  "Loki, why...?" 

  "My diet and eating habits are none of your business. I eat perfectly fine." 

  "But-" Loki silenced Clint with one sharp look. Tony had had enough. 

  "Loki, just stop it. We're trying to help you, stop locking yourself away and accept that you are not a fucking robot, you need just as much help as the rest of us! I get that your immeasurable ego prevents you from admitting it, but you are no better than anyone else in this room!" 

  Loki frowned and was about to bite back with another insult, but Bruce interrupted. 

  "Guys, everyone stop it! Stop arguing. I'll handle it from here." Now Loki turned his frustration at Bruce. How dare he think he knows what's going on. How dare he think he can help- 

  "Loki, come on. And please, nobody follow us." Having to choose between the only two options of stay in a room of furious Avengers who may or may not have caught on to his darkest secret and follow the slightly more calm doctor who definitely has was a hard decision to make. Inevitably, he settled on the latter. 

  Wordlessly Loki exited the room, making certain to avoid eye contact with anybody in the process as he followed the doctor down the long hallway. Unexpectedly, the man came to a halt once they were out of earshot and turned to him. 

  "You okay?" This confused the trickster. 

  Why was he asking that? Why wasn't he screaming at him of how much of a heartless, egotistical bastard he was? Why did he speak not of how cowardly and stupid he was compared to Thor, who was brave and honest and right? That he would be better off on the streets, because how could he deserve the Avengers' concern when he couldn't even return the favour? 

  "Loki, don't think like that. I know what you're thinking, and it's not true." Loki didn't reply. Truthfully speaking, he was slightly intimidated by the thought that this man knew what he was feeling. Nobody had ever bothered to try that before. He did his best to mask the fact that his breathing was speeding up. 

  "Once you've calmed down a bit, how about we go to the MedBay? Nothing serious, I just wanna talk." He wanted to talk. To talk. That never meant anything good. Involuntarily the memories of what happened when Odin told Loki he wanted to talk floated to the forefront of his mind. 

  It had never ended well. 

  Loki tried to shake off the sudden phantom pain on his lips, and opened his mouth an inch just to prove to himself that he still could. His lips were not sewn shut. Not again. 

  Considering he didn't have much of a choice, he begrudgingly followed Bruce further down the hallway, then into the elevator. Suddenly he felt like he was a little child again, nervously trailing after his father when he knew he'd done something wrong. He'd done something wrong. 

  He'd done something wrong. 

  Bruce stopped. Loki gazed absently up at the large door to the MedBay. Was any of this really necessary? It's not like it was important. 

  The door opened, and the two stepped inside. Loki tried not to pay attention to the sound as the door closed once more.