Melancholia || Aki Hayakawa

Cyclical

Each passing day has felt the same since you graduated from university and officially joined the workforce along with everybody else. Every morning starting with the dreaded sound of your alarm pulling you out of your usual restless slumber, drearily dragging yourself out of bed for a cup of coffee and a smoke.

Smoking was a god-awful habit you had picked up from Aki back when you both were in high school, unfortunately not being able to be broken as the years progressed. It served as a bitter reminder of the life that you had left behind.

There had been an effort to quit many times, wanting to stop the habit but never being able to as it was your last tie to him. You knew it was disgusting, you knew that each lit cigarette you placed between your lips was shortening your life. There just wasn't anything in your heart that would truly allow you to stop.

You hated how life had come to this. Drinking your shitty cheap coffee in your small living room, cigarette in hand, and the television quietly playing in the background, soft noises used to drown out the thoughts that ruled your mind. Smoke lingered around the room as you took small sips of the coffee, halfway paying attention to the early morning news that was on.

While life seemed boring, it was an oddly comforting cycle. A stable job as an accountant for a well-known firm helped you stay afloat. It wasn't your favorite thing to do by far, but you figured that as long as it paid the bills, you'd manage.

Finishing up your coffee would always lead to you trekking back into your bedroom, rustling through your closet for your usual white blouse and pencil skirt. The two most hated articles of clothing you could ever wear-but you managed.

It seemed like you'd managed a lot within the last few years. Going through the same mundane motions day after day, secluding yourself even further as time progressed. That's just how life was going for you, and you accepted that.

You never did make any friends in university, choosing to just fly under the radar as you completed each year, your mind only occupied with studying and maintaining high marks in all of the classes you were required to take. You even went as far as to pile on extra classes that you truly didn't need, just to keep your mind busy.

The first year of schooling was the hardest, trying to fall into the rhythm of a university routine. You struggled greatly at first, the entirety of your first semester nearly causing you to drop out due to the stress that it was putting you through, but you managed, you always managed to get through it despite any hurdle that was thrown your way.

As those first few months went by, you tried to keep in touch with Aki as much as possible. Weekly skype sessions between the two of you that lasted for hours despite the time difference, just so you could hear his voice for as long as possible before you'd need to hang up and get some sleep.

Those weekly skype sessions soon turned bi-weekly, then monthly, and before you knew it, they stopped. You tried so hard to keep in contact with him, sending him texts often to no avail, them constantly just being left on delivered.

The weeks following your loss of contact had you numb. You went through the motions of going through your classes with an empty feeling in your heart, returning to your dorm just to break down in sobs. You hated that he stopped talking to you, you hated that he wouldn't try to reach out to you on his own. He had promised that this exact thing wouldn't happen.

You soon learned to ignore the ache in your chest whenever you thought about it. University soon became your place of distraction, all of your classes occupying any free space that you had in your mind.

Your second year came rather quickly, classes becoming more intense yet the cycle you had built up in the previous semester helped you maintain it well enough. You were able to put your studies at the front of your mind, and the rigorous constraints you placed on yourself finally served a greater purpose.