Falling for my Best Friend

Through

Wren

I quickly made my way to homeroom and grabbed my usual seat. Just a few minutes later, Kilian plopped down into the seat next to me.

"Hey Wren, missed you at the coffee cart this morning," he says with a quirky smirk.

"Sorry, Quin needed me this morning so I was running late," I shrug, I'm the worst liar.

He places a cup on my desk and says, "Good thing I brought you this then, big sister duty is hard work."

I can't contain my goofy smile, why does this guy always make me weak in the knees? I pick up the coffee and it tastes perfect, made exactly the way I like it. This is why he was my best friend because he really knows me. 

"Ten brownie points for you," I say with a smile. 

I want to tell him everything about last night, but for now at least he's not pressing me for info so I guess I bought myself some time.

Kilian

My heart nearly leapt out of my chest when I walked into homeroom and saw Wren. I walked towards her as casually as possible and tried to greet her normally.

"Hey Wren, missed you at the coffee cart this morning," is what came out of my mouth, but in my head it was more like... Whoa, you are a sight for sore eyes. What the fuck is going on with everyone? Where have you been? Why aren't you texting back? You looked amazing last night, those jeans are my favorite, word vomit, the end. 

She replied casually like everything was normal between us, and I started to relax even though there were a million questions zinging around my head. Shit, what did she say about Quin? I wasn't even listening.

Since I have her coffee in my hand, I use it to save myself, "Good thing I brought you this then, big sister duty is hard work."

I am awarded with some brownie points, I'm not sure what these points can be redeemed for but I promise I am keeping track. When homeroom ended we naturally gravitated toward our first class, we always walk together because our classrooms are across from each other. This should feel so normal, but it doesn't.

I wonder if she can feel the tension, why is there tension? She seems so far away mentally, what is going on? How do I ask about last night without being awkward? Before I can figure that out the familiar sight of Mr. O'Brian's class comes into view.  I stop and I look at Wren to say goodbye but she walks straight into my chest instead. It's like she is walking around with her eyes closed. I catch her before she bounces back and look into her eyes.

"Are you ok?" I ask, concerned.

She bites her lip, the classic tell that she isn't telling me everything, and nods her head affirmatively.

"Sorry, I didn't sleep well last night," she almost whispers.

At least she isn't outright lying to me, but she is obviously leaving something out. The warning bell sounds and I gently rub her arms where I was holding her because I realized I had quite the grip on her.

"Talk later, please, Wrenny?" I plead and she nods her head again and turns to go to her class.

I can't help feeling like she really needs me, and maybe that makes me full of myself or something, but the thing is we just get each other on a different level. When she is upset, she needs me because even if we never fall in love, I'm her person and she's mine. 

It's going to be tough but I need to let this go for now. If there is any class I can get lost in, it's this one, so there is some hope. Mr. O'Brian is by far my favorite teacher, and not just because Shop is my favorite class too. This is probably the only thing I am good at but I also like it because Mr. O'Brian always seems to have time for me if I need it. He is the only adult I have opened up to about my dad and it is just nice to feel like I have someone in my corner. Plus, I love working with my hands. We're working on building the classic shop class spice rack; I quickly got lost in the process and pushed my worries about Wren to the back of my mind, for now.

The bell rings to end class and I nearly jump out of my seat. I was so lost in building that I didn't even realize how much time had passed. When I collect my things and head for the door, I give a casual nod to Mr. O'Brian as I walk into the hall. Wren is leaving her class just then too and I want to grab her and ask her what was going on, but my next class is on the other side of the campus so I just smile at her and meet her eyes. She replies with a casual wave and heads in the opposite direction. Whatever is going on will have to wait until the cookie break.

Wren 

School dragged on, I managed to make it through my first two classes without totally losing my mind but now it is time to face the second trial of the day... cookie break. I know if I go to our normal table, Gael will be there and I will have to face what happened last night. The very idea of it triggers memories of my dream from this morning, and I need to keep that tucked away. This is bringing up too many confusing feelings for Kilian that I've barely been able to keep below the surface as it is.

Instead, I'm going to go to the photo lab, my secret escape. My Yearbook advisor lets me do whatever I want since I am the Editor-in-Chief. She basically excuses me from all my classes whenever there is a deadline, so hopefully an emotional disaster qualifies me for lab time as well. I flick off the lights in the dark room and close the rotating door. It is time for me to face what happened last night and decide what to do next.

Can I really throw away everything that has been important to me over one simple comment? No, the answer is no, I need my guy gang. Okay, but now how do I smooth things over with Gael? Time to replay the events and do some clever fact spinning, after all I have been spinning facts to keep up appearances for my family, so maybe this won't be that different.

Life is never like it is in the fairy tales, although I'm usually okay with that because my personal fairy tale usually includes a motorcycle, cut of leather and tattoos instead of a prince on a white steed.

I thought that last night was supposed to be the start of something. Maybe I could finally start living like I deserved, getting past old feelings and living my life for me. The dance was supposed to be the beginning of it. No one has ever asked me to a dance before. Sure, I've gone to all the dances in junior high with my friends and I had attended Homecoming the last three years, but just with a group of people. When Gael asked me to go with him to Homecoming, I somehow got to a place where I convinced myself that he actually had feelings for me.

Hearing Gael say, "I just felt bad for her," was one of the worst things I had ever heard in my life. I couldn't believe it. Although I'm sure he never thought I would hear him say it, I did, and now what do I do? Why do I care so much? If I'm being honest with myself, I don't have anything but platonic feelings for Gael, so why does this bother me so much? 

Well, it hurts to be defined the same way society always defines me by someone who I thought saw the real me.

With his constant underhanded comments, living with my dad hasn't done much to help my self-esteem. I'm not unhealthy or overweight at all but you know how people are, if you have hips or any semblance of a woman's body you're basically off the dating menu. Apparently my dad feels the same; I'm somehow lesser because I'm more. I secretly always wish I could be a tall bean pole like Quin, one of those grass is always greener things. Feeling like Gael only took me to homecoming because he feels bad for me, well that feels like shit.

When my hair is just so or I have mascara on with my favorite torn up low rise jeans, I have a secret confidence but it usually doesn't stick for long because as soon as I walk out of my bedroom and into the real world all of that gets buried in other people's opinions. Now it is time to muster that inner confidence. I take three deep breaths and decide that the only way out of this is through. I have to pretend I never heard what Gael said and make up a reason I bolted. With the way things have been in my house lately that should be easy, think Wren, think.