The Pleasure Principle {FIN}

Chapter Thirty-Four.

Bey's P.O.V.

Everything seemed to stand still in that moment. I could not hear anything; any apologies spewing from Dr. Graham's mouth, any of Jay's subtle sniffs, and none of my hysterical weeping that I knew was booming throughout the room, and to me, the whole world.

My baby Carter, him or her, they're dead. There is no more baby. I am not pregnant. I'm not going to be a mom anymore. I'm never going to take Blue to kindergarten, I'm never going to watch her take her first steps, I'm never going to hear her first cry, I'm never going to watch her do her homework at the kitchen table, I'm never going to hug her, to kiss her, and she's never going to hug me, or kiss me, or call me mommy.

"I'm so sorry. I'll leave you two alone for a few moments." She left silently, but in my head, there was a siren sounding, a loud, distinct one that seemed to be in attempt to tell the world; Hey, there's no Blue. Yup, cancel the charm bracelet, cancel the baby shower, all that. She lost her.

It was my fault. I lost Shawn and I's little Carter.

Shawn. Did he hate me? Would he leave me? Did he blame me? He was jumping at the chance to have this child, and now, with a single appointment, we weren't having one. He had to be upset, but with who? I couldn't possibly blame him if he were upset with me, I mean, it must have been something I had done. Maybe I was stressed or I had too much sex or too many cups of coffee. Somewhere, I had gone wrong. What other reason could there have been for baby Carter to die?

"Talk to me," he demanded. His use of words shocked me. I could not morph my mouth into any acceptable version of a word. There was no way. I felt so awful. Why me? Of all people? I know you're not supposed to question God, but I could not shake the question out of my head. So many other deaths had plagued my life, but never did I ever think my own child's would be one of them. "Bey, please talk to me," his voice cracked, and it didn't take a look at him to know that he was crying. I was crying too, but I felt so suspended in time that I had stopped weeping and let the tears fall down my emotionless face. "How do you feel? Do you even care?" His tone turned accusative as he continued his pleading for a few words.

"I..... I feel so unlucky I can't breathe."

"Bey, it's going to be ok-" he began with a sniffle. But it was not going to be okay. It was never going to be okay. Baby Carter was dead and there was nothing I, he, or anyone could do about it. It was over. Or, at least it felt that way.

"Take me home," I spat, cutting him off and grabbing my purse, pulling out some sunglasses as I stormed down the hall, trying to avoid the laughs of amazement from other people as they learned more about their developing babies. I was amazed too. But my baby wasn't developing. My baby was dead.

******

"Are you hungry?" I sat in the dark, staring at the floor of the master bedroom, and it was the first time he had dared to speak to me since we left the doctor's office.

"Shawn, we just lost a child and all you can ask is are you hungry?!" He sighed, beginning to let more tears fall, though my ducts seemed to had dried up a few hours ago.

"I'm trying to distract myself, Beyoncé! You don't think I wanted this baby?! Huh?! I was going to be a parent too! You're sitting over here acting like you're the only one who just lost a little angel! Stop sulking! We have to get up and move forward! It's gonna hurt, hell it's hurting right now, but don't act like you're alone because you're not!"

"It was my baby!" I couldn't hold it in anymore. I finally wept again. I fell to the floor, wrapping my arms around myself, and I cried, spewing out inaudible words that were muffled under my cries. "My baby is gone, Shawn, she's gone!" He knelt down and put his arms around me, trying his best to console the broken version of myself.