Y/N: Trying to decipher whether or not you're relapsing when you've struggled with an eating disorder is hard. There's a fine line between actually wanting to eat cleaner and look after your overall health, or wanting to eat cleaner and less because you hate the way you are.
It's also very frustrating getting told you're "not eating enough" during and after recovery because people think you're still trying to starve yourself, when the truth is you're actually just not hungry.
Just less than a year ago I got out of hospital after two months. I refused to recover before being admitted. I didn't think I deserved to. But my mom made me go and honestly I think it was the right choice.
I still struggle with remembering that my worth is based around what I do or do not eat, especially right now, but I know I don't want to let myself get back to that dark place again. It's exhausting. Every moment of the day you feel like you're about to die.
Lately, I've felt myself slipping again. You see, you don't realise the voice telling you that you should probably eat less is your eating disorder talking until you feel too far gone to help yourself.
I remember feeling like starving myself was an addiction and I'm terrified because I'm only a couple steps away from getting there again.
Mom's been at work all day and I haven't been able to bring myself to eat and it's six-thirty in the evening. Much to my disgust, I know she knows I've been struggling a little more than usual. I'm not very good at hiding it, and she's not very good at being subtle.
I know mom will be home at any minute and I usually go downstairs to say hi, but I'm too tired, I'm agitated, emotional and hungry, and I know my stomach rumbling is going to give everything away.
Hearing her car pull up in the driveway makes me anxious. A few minutes later there's a knock on my bedroom door and she lets herself in after I don't answer. Pretending to be asleep seems like a good way out.
Footsteps get closer to my bed. "Sweetheart, I know you're not asleep," she admits. I open my eyes and groan, causing her to giggle as she sits in front of me.
"How was work?" I question. "Work was good. How was your day?" She asks with a gentle smile. "It was okay. I just binged marvel movies all day," I chuckle. "What movies?" She questions further. "The first three Avengers and Civil War," I answer and she smiles.
"What do you feel like for dinner? I don't want to cook so we're ordering in," she says. "Don't care, I'm not hungry," I shrug. "Well, you need to eat so what do you say to Thai food? Or maybe Mexican?" "You can't make me eat if I'm not hungry," I deadpan.
Mom sighs and gives me a knowing look. "I'm not going to force you to eat if you're really not hungry, but I'm still going to get food for the both of us incase you change your mind. So would you prefer Thai or Mexican?" Her tone is stern but still gentle.
"Thai," I say bluntly. "Okay," she sends me a small smile, "I'm gonna go order and then would you maybe like to have a movie night?" She suggests to which I nod.
___
Once I finally get out of bed, I take my phone and a packet of gum downstairs with me to make myself a cup of tea. It helps fill my stomach without actually eating.
After mom had ordered the Thai, we sat down together on the couch and began watching 10 Things I Hate About You. It's kinda become our movie because we watch it together at least once a month.
I finish my cup of tea quickly so go to make another one. When I finish that one I place the mug down on the coffee table in front of me and put a piece of gum in my mouth.
"I thought you said you weren't hungry, Y/N," mom speaks suddenly. "Yeah? I'm not." My eyebrows knit together. "Sweetheart," she sighs, "I'm not stupid, and you're not subtle."
"What do you mean?" I question. "The two cups of tea as well as the gum?" She says. "What about it? It's literally just tea and gum," I try to convince her.
"Y/N, it's never just tea and gum with you," she sighs, the frustration in clear to me from the way she says it.
I glare at her, feeling slightly hurt. "It's fine. I'm fine," I mumble, just as the doorbell rings. "I'm sorry sweetheart, I didn't mean it to sound like that," she apologises, standing up from the couch to get the door. "It's okay," I tell her.
When she sat back down with the food my stomach started to rumble which unfortunately, my mother heard. She looked up at me with a worried expression before passing me a fork.
"Eat," she ordered, still with a gentle smile.
"No. I'm. Not. Hungry."
"Sweetheart, that's bullshit. We both know that. Please, can you eat something?" She coaxes. I shake my head, the overwhelming thought of having to eat causing tears to well in my eyes.
She pauses for a moment before putting the fork down. "Oh my sweet girl, it's really bad again, isn't it?" She sighs, shuffling closer to me, pulling me into her arms. I nod as I burst into tears.
For the next ten minutes my mom holds me tightly as she lets me cry. Her fingers running through my hair and down my back.
"I'm sorry," I mumble. "No Y/N, don't ever apologise for struggling," she tells me. "Do you think it's a good idea to go back to your therapist, honey? I don't want to see you back where you were." I shrug, "maybe."
She nods and kisses the top of my head. "We can talk more about it tomorrow, yeah? Have you eaten anything today?" She questions softly. I stay quiet which apparently is enough of an answer.
"Sweetheart, I'm gonna need you to eat a little, please?" Her tone is desperate. "I don't want to," I cry. "I know honey. I know. But your body needs food," she tells me. I shake my head, clinging onto her shirt.
"I can cut you up some fruit if you think it might be a bit easier?" She offers.
I think about it for a moment before hesitantly nodding. I know my mom and I know that she's not going to let me get away with not eating for a whole day, so fruit might be a little less daunting than Thai food.
"Alright my sweet, come on then," she smiles gently, picking me up from the couch and carrying me into the kitchen, my legs wrapped around her waist and my arms around her neck.
_________ can low key feel my ed coming back but ya know ✌🏻 I'm done with that shit though so it can go fuck itself xxx
anyways, gayfortashajust started a new book so go check it outtttt
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