We'll Always Have Summer (The Summer I Turned Pretty) - Graduation to Wedding

9 - Understanding

It was about 3 weeks after I had arrived at the beach house to visit Conrad when it happened. Things had been going so well between us. Conrad was my better half and I was his. We complemented each other perfectly.

That morning things were different though. I woke up and walked into the kitchen. Conrad was sitting at the table eating breakfast, a distant look was on his face. When I bent down to kiss him good morning he barely returned my kiss. I sat across from him and poured a bowl of cereal.

"What do you want to do today?" I asked.

Conrad looked at me blankly, "Nothing really," was his bland reply.

I was starting to feel a little panicky. This was the detached Conrad I had come to know and despise that last summer at the beach house... the summer Susannah was dying of cancer.

I finished my cereal without another word. My mind was racing, what was happening?!? Why was Conrad acting like this? Did he change his mind about me? Maybe he decided he didn't love me after all. Did he even want me here anymore? Should I pack my things and go? We were returning to our old familiar cycle, Conrad pulling me in and then pushing me away, why did he keep doing this? Maybe I should have married Jeremiah after all!

I stood up shakily and set my bowl in the sink. Normally I would have washed it, but carrying the bowl to the sink without dropping it was a great feat at that moment, there was no way I could trust myself to do more. I headed to the living room, Conrad left his bowl on the table and followed me. I sank onto the couch numbly not knowing what to do or say next. I didn't dare show affection towards Conrad, I was too afraid he'd reject me. Being rejected by Conrad one more time was more than I could bear. Conrad sat in the chair across from me and closed his eyes. Neither of us said anything for a long time. When I couldn't stand the silence anymore I stood up.

"I'm going to take a walk on the beach," I stated dejectedly. Conrad nodded in acknowledgement but didn't open his eyes as I let myself out the patio door.

When I came back an hour later Conrad was was gone. I had pretty much made up my mind that since I wasn't wanted at the beach house anymore it would be best if I packed my bags and went home, but when I walked past Conrad's room I saw his door was closed tightly and I heard quiet sobbing coming from behind it. I froze. Confusion swept over me, I didn't know what to do. Should I go in and comfort him or pretend like I didn't hear him? All I knew was I couldn't leave Conrad in this state. Staying meant giving him the opportunity to reject me, but leaving him alone like this... I couldn't do it. I loved him and love sometimes requires sacrifice. Still, I was unsure how to proceed so I did what came naturally to me. I tiptoed to my room and slipped into my bathing suit.

As I swam laps I thought about Susannah, about that last summer with her at this house, about her words to me, "You'll look after him won't you? He needs you." Those words haunted me, "...look after him... He needs you...". How in the world was I supposed to do that? I didn't know what he needed much less how to give it to him.

I recalled our first kiss. I had hoped to kiss his pain away, but that hadn't worked. He had pulled away, said it couldn't happen like that. I felt helpless. What could I do for him? What did he want from me? I was still mulling these questions over in my mind when I headed for my towel. With my head bent deep in thought I didn't see him sitting there, in the Adirondack chair, silently watching me.

"Hey," he said softly.

I started and looked up at him.

"Hey," I said back almost automatically as I gave him a questioning look. "I guess we're talking now?" I thought silently to myself.

"Thanks for staying," he said still in a soft voice.

I didn't know what to say so I just nodded as I reached for my towel. Questions flooded my mind. He wanted me to stay? Did he know I was thinking about leaving? Where do we go from here?