A Series of Unfortunate Events: Vol. 2

The Austere Academy [6]

"Who can't be beaten!" Carmelita cheered.

"A dead horse!" The students cheered.

"Who can't be beaten?"

"A dead horse!"

"Who can't be beaten?"

"A dead horse!"

"Who can't be beaten?"

"A dead horse!"

'School spirit' is a curious term. The phrase might sound as if it refers to a ghost or other undead phantasm haunting an educational establishment, like very old gum clinging to a trophy case. What 'school spirit' actually refers to is the belief that one particular school is better than another.

"Our particular school is better than others!" The students chanted.

Though, as the Baudelaires were about to learn, there are worse things that can haunt a school.

"I love the energy. I love it!" Coach Genghis exclaimed as the students applauded him.

"Okay, everyone, settle down," Principal Nero ordered.

"Settle down? Do you hear what Vice Principal Shapiro just said?"

"Nero,"

"'Settle down'. How often do I hear those words come out of people's ears and into my mouth? 'Settle,' a word which here means 'settling for less', and 'down,' my least favorite direction. Let me tell you a story. Some years ago, a woman came to me. She needed my help. 'Coach Genghis,' she said, 'I'm a failure. I have no job. My love life is in the pits. I can't seem to lose these last 20 pounds'. I bet that describes just about every one of you, right?"

"Um, they're schoolchildren,"

"Exactly. And what did I say to her? Do you think I told her to settle down? Answer me, pippity-squeaks! Do you think I told her to...settle down?"

"Probably not!" Carmelita called out.

"Probably not!" The students echoed.

"Probably not, indeed." Coach Genghis said. "I told her to stand up. I told her actualize and incentivize. I told her to keep her eyes on the clouds and her feet on the stars. Do you know what happened?" He walked down the aisle of students. Coach Genghis looked over at the Baudelaires and Quagmires. "She died in a mysterious fire,"

"Wait, what?" Principal Nero voiced.

"Settling down is what losers do," Coach Genghis proclaimed as he backed toward the podium.

"But the woman you were talking about...."

"Settling down started World War I,"

"Okay, but the story you were telling...."

"Settling down happens when you bite your lip, and your lip gets swollen, so you bite your lip again, and then you keep biting your lip over and over. I don't want that. Do you want that, Prufrock Prep?"

"No!" The students exclaimed.

"Let's bring in the violin!"

Vice Principal Nero began playing his screeching violin.

"The whole school is falling for the treachery of an unhinged villain," Violet noted.

"That always happens at pep rallies," Duncan said.

"This might be our only chance to stop him and find Fia." Klaus claimed, "Sunny, stay here,"

"Good luck!" Sunny babbled.