CW: Death, poverty, murder, poop, poop-eating, death of beloved figure, facts.
The following work is a fully accurate piece of alternate history. Everything here is heavily researched and based in reality. All the events in this document are the events that would unfold if the events in this document unfolded. Viewer discretion is advised.
February 28 2012, One Year before the premiere of Nathan For You
A man is crying on the streets, he is in need of help.
Meanwhile on that same street a dapper young business student in a blue button down walks by, he is that help. He is Nathan Fielder.
Nathan bends down. "What troubles you, my friend?. The man, Hernandez replies, "I am a mechanic, however I have not been doing much mechaning lately, no one seems to visit. I've been making no money. My family needs to eat!" Nathan replies, "I am currently attending one of Canada's top business schools, perhaps I can help you."
Nathan goes to visit the mechanic during the day. The gears of a mastermind turn. While he struggles a bit to scope out the issue due to his lack of disguise, he still manages to figure it out. This is but a minor skirmish for the one who will soon become a master conqueror. "I know what is happening here," says Nathan "Your business is too impersonal." Nathan rips off Jim Hernandezes nametag. "What was that for?!" exclaims Jim the mechanic. Nathan pulls out a new name tag with one word. Jim.
Nathan leaves pleased with his work. Perhaps this is what he can do forever.
A spark goes off. A spark that in another world would save thousands, but not in this world. In this world that spark will soon be extinguished
A month later, in a top business school in canada
Jim is speaking at a podium, behind him are countless pictures of Nathan Fielder.
"Without Nathan me and my family would have all starved. Thank you Nathan!"
The Dean of the top business school in Canada walks on stage, thanks Jim, and goes to the podium. "That will be the last speaker on our valedictorian, Warren Buffet wanted to speak about his achievements but got held up, now, your valedictorian and perhaps the smartest student we've ever had Nathan Fielder!"
Nathan gets up on stage. He begins his speech. "Thank you all, thank you! I'm so honored to receive this reward." A member of the audience is so engulfed by Nathan's magnitude and skill. They can't control themselves. They shout out "What's next for you! Surely you'll become CEO of some massive company!" Despite their interruption Nathan forgives her, he understands. She merely must know what will become of the genius in front of him. "Actually," Nathan said calmly, " I don't think I'll be a CEO, I'm going to use my knowledge to help business owners make it in the competitive world!" The crowd was so confused and beaming with questions, but Nathan had work to do.
February 28 2013, Yogurt Haven
Nathan's first official client for Nathan For You. Everything unfolds as it did by us. Nathan pitches the Poo flavored yogurt. The owner is reluctant at first so Nathan creates the flavor to try to change his mind. The artificial flavor is presented to him. He asks a focus group to try it. They hate it. They say it tastes like poo.
But then he tries it. But it's off. It tastes nothing like Poo. There's only one solution Nathan must use real poop
But there's one issue. Poop is illegal, Nathan must turn to those who are illegal as well. Nathan dials the number of mob boss Rhoney Rigatoni and arranges a meeting at dusk.
Rhoney's Finnish flag waves high. Rhoney Rigatoni was proud of his Finnish heritage. Nathan knocked twice, he planned on knocking thrice but was too nervous. Rhoney opens the door. "Eeeeeeeeeeeeyyyyyyyy, Mistah Fieldah, come in please I cooked some Spaggeti and Pizzah.
After eating some Spaggett after those plates with the great blue cross of Finland Nathan was calmer he purchased the poo and left home. Little did he know Lenneti Spaggeti of the Irish mob, enemy to Rhoney Riggatoni was watching Nathan and thought he was part of the Riggatoni crime family. Later when Nathan was at home she blocked off his doors and shot him
BANG!
Nathan was hit
"No no no NO!
This isn't how it's supposed to end!
My name is Nathan Fielder
And I graduated from one of Canada's top business schools with really good grades
I wanted to use my knowledge to help business owners make it in the competitive world!
This isn't how it's supposed to end!
If only I had accepted the fake poop!
If only I had realized that the poop we taste is the poop that is real!
If only I hadn't sook out Roney Riggitony!
'Twas my hubris that hath blocked off my door
'Twas my hubris that shot me
Even my really good grades couldn't save me from myself
I had so much more to..."
Nathan died that day. And with him died an idea
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Nathan Fielder Eats Poop And Dies: A Historical Doccument Prolouge
FanfictionWe all know of the force that is Nathan Fielder, however what if he stopped forcing? Updated Weekly
