A letter unsend, lost in chaos

A letter unsend

I don't know when these feelings started, or maybe I do. There's no denying I started to see you differently after you first trained me. You always knew just what to say to calm me down, and were never afraid to call me out when I took it too far. None of you guys did, but somehow with you, it was different, made me want to actually listen. When you were proud of me, I was beyond ecstatic, it made me feel like I had just come back from conquering the world. On the flip side, whenever you were disappointed, it made me feel like I had let the entire world down. Maybe I felt that way because, even back then, you already were my entire world. You were the one person who was actually able to get through to me. 

Sure, Mary's "pep talk" (as much as you can call pushing me off a cliff a pep talk) put a lot in perspective and gave me a lot to think about, but it wasn't until you told me that I wouldn't be alone anymore, that I had the entire OCS, including you, watching my back, that I started believing it. With just one sentence, you gave me exactly what I'd been looking for ever since I came back to life. Something I never would've found with JC, no matter how sweet and supportive he was. With just one sentence, you turned my whole world upside down. With just one sentence, you pushed me on the right track and helped me find myself. So yeah, I guess that's the moment that started it all. You became my rock in this world. Whenever I felt like giving up, that I couldn't do it, you were there, cheering me on. Never giving up. 

It's given me strength to keep pushing myself, even when things seem impossible, even when it seems that even you have given up. My feelings for you haven't always been clear, I ignored them for the longest time. Wrote it off as being overly excited about the fact I finally had a best friend and a shot at a normal life (or as normal as it can be when you have a piece of metal from another realm in your back that a demon desperately wants for himself) but then came Switzerland. 

It didn't happen immediately, I was just excited that you were the one selected to train me, even if you already were my trainer, and it would've made no sense to sent me with someone else, I still felt like I did when I first walked again. My best friend and I were going to Switzerland, by ourselves, with no one there to interrupt or distract us. It was the perfect opportunity to finally get to know you, the real you. The version of you only I seemed to get. So what if my heart fluttered at that idea, I just felt special cause no one else got to see it. Or that I'd get flustered whenever you came closer, so you could correct my form, or pinned me to the ground whenever I failed to properly defend myself, I was only embarrassed at myself for still not getting it right. After all, we were on a time crunch to defeat Adriel which meant I had to progress quickly, no?

 Every single one of those excuses flew out the window faster than I can phase when I took you to the bar that night. When I saw you dancing there, no care in the world, just letting yourself be and have fun, that's when it finally hit me. Not only did I have a crush for the longest time, I am madly and deeply in love with you, Beatrice. I have been for a while now. Which is precisely why I'm too much of a coward to say any of this to you right now, not with what I'm about to do. I don't get to be selfish, not anymore because it isn't just about me anymore, it's about all of you. I have to do this, and if I tell you, I might lose my strength. Not only that, but also I don't want to taint our last days together, in case I got this all wrong, and you don't feel the same way I do. I want to tell you, I want to so badly, but I just can't. Which is why I'm writing this letter, even though you'll probably never even see it, I have to let it out one way or another. I'm sorry Bea, I'm so fucking sorry for what I'm about to do and for not telling you any of it, but Adriel needs to die, even if it's just so you can live.

I will always love you, Beatrice. In this life AND the next
Forever yours,
Love Ava