When doing Christmas presents (because Christmas is suppose to be special and all) it's like. In order to make it special, you have to give a present you don't usually give, because that's what makes it special. And if it's a special occasion, you want to be able to give something that you can't usually give or don't usually give. Just something big. Something nice. Something that sums up your appreciation.
And you have to outdo yourself. And you're not just outdoing last year's Christmas present, you're outdoing every present you've given someone up to that point. And it's almost impossible to do. You have to keep one upping yourself each year because you can't just do something lame, or something that doesn't exceed your own abilities.
Not that a present that doesn't show your full abilities - not that that's stupid. But when it's a celebration....
And it's weird, too, because Christmas is a Christian Holliday, but we've still adapted it to being a year where we share presents. Like I wanna share presents all the time - I feel like I never give enough to people. But, like. That makes it an expectation. And really, I just want there to be something for them. I want to be able to give something - not necessarily because it's expected of me, but because I want to provide something for the special occasion, even if it's just a social thing.
But I feel like I'm always doing things like head cannons and fan-stories. I don't know, to an extent, they just don't feel special anymore.
And especially with this year. I've been transferring a decade of work from Quotev onto Wattpad, hoping and preying that my limit is shorter than I expect or that Wattpad goes down or disables me, too. (It's just oof.)
And I barely have enough time to do things with work and all.
But my point is that it's really hard to do something special because all of my talents are patterned after the same thing. I could write a song or compare them to a bazillion things and nothing would ever amount to what I want it to be. I'm expecting something impossible. I want everything to be the best, the most perfect thing.
I have to make more elegant sentences. More meaningful words.
And I'll tell you right now, it's literally three days before Christmas and I have nothing prepared. I'm going to do my best. And I'm not going to be satisfied with it because nothing is ever going to be up to the standards - I'll never be able to give what I want to give people.
I'm only failing myself here - that's really all it is, and I know that. Just know that what you see in these pages, that's just the tip of the iceberg the things I want to show people. The tiniest thing that I want to give someone.
https://voca.ro/1l2A8PUPrr8a
