Emotions Unhinged

Chapter 1: The End?

From the moment I was born, I have been fighting to survive. Fighting to survive in a world that constantly shunned and belittled me. A world that didn't fail to remind me that I shouldn't be here. So, how the fuck did we get here?

My legs shook and I collapsed to the bathroom floor. Tears pooled from my eyes and my breathing became labored, just as always, I was alone. What was I thinking, I couldn't do this. My life was already a shit ton of a mess. I couldn't bring something so innocent into my treacherous life. Shit. I lost my job two weeks ago... What the fuck was I thinking?

I blinked back tears and my watery eyes focused on the two pink lines- one was faint and the other prominent. Whom should I tell first? I snorted at that thought. I was acting like I had a bunch of friends and family. I had no one save for Lake. Would he be happy? Disappointed? Blame me even?

With a shaky breath, I pulled my cell phone out of my fake Gucci bag. My fingers trembled as I thumbed through my call list looking for Lake's number. He answered on the first ring. I gulped. Why was I suddenly so nervous to speak to my boyfriend of two years? "Lakey." I started out. He immediately picked up on my worried and over-the-top anxious tone. "Ash are you okay?' he questioned.

I dashed a tear away and forced out a chuckle. "That depends," I told him in a rushed tone. I paused. "Umm, can we talk later?" "Ash," Lake said with concern etched all over his voice. I squeezed my eyes shut. I needed to stop crying.

"Do you need me to come and get you? Are you okay?"

"No," I blurted out. The last thing I needed was for him to leave work early on apart of my theatrics. I forced out a smile, and I read him the address of one of our local hang-out spots. The call ended with him telling me that he loved me, we promised to see each other within the hour.

I don't know what came over me. I could always blame it on the pregnancy, right? The tears I had tried to keep so hard at bay came streaming down my face. Hard.

I couldn't do this. This whole mother thing, I was already so bad at taking care of myself. And poor Lakey deserved someone else rather than a mess to start a family with. I was already too much of a burden to him. How unfair of me to add another. I was so selfish.

Without warning, my mother's icy voice entered my train of thoughts. "I should have aborted you; I don't know what I was thinking about bringing a demon like you into this world. You've only caused me pain. Nothing good will ever come from your life." Words I had memorized to how often I had heard them.

And sad to say, she was right. I was nearing thirty, and I still hadn't accomplished anything. I didn't have any friends, any achievements... For fuck's sake, I couldn't even keep a job for long. What was I doing? I was a waste of breath.

My sobs bounced off the chipped empty bathroom walls and echoed throughout the tiny space.

I needed to get out before I lost my shit completely.

With bloodshot eyes and a runny nose, I managed to pull on something decent before I left my low-budget apartment. It was all I could've afforded at the time. And because of my current financial status, it was now something I could no longer afford. Great.

I pulled the baseball cap low over my head, wishing to be anonymous, I was acting like it was hard for me to be invisible. I had had no trouble blending right into the background all my life. I was merely a fragment of anyone's memories. For all I knew, no one even cared whether I existed.

Well, save for Lake. But he didn't count. I had never met anyone else who loved or cared for me as he did. Best believe that if that man told me to jump, I would do backflips. I would do anything for him- and he never asked me for anything either. He was so easy to please. I felt guilty, I knew he could do a million times better than having me as his girlfriend. I was an emotional baggage. I was no good for him.

Without thinking or looking, I stepped out into the busy street. I didn't care. I just wanted it all to go away. The pain. The tears. My life felt more like a silly joke than anything else. Tears clouded my vision again, temporarily blinding me.

A car came to a screeching halt. "Are you fucking crazy?" A man yelled angrily in my direction. But not even that fazed me. What was the point of living if every day was miserable? I had long lost all hope that things would change. Change they did yes- but only for the worst. But what was I expecting anyway? This was my life we were talking about. A life riddled with angst, anger, and bitterness. No fairy tale ending for me, I guess.

I continued, praying for a car to hit me. Not even death wanted me. How ironic.

I couldn't do this anymore, pretending that I had the will to live when I didn't. Pretending as if I mattered to anyone. I didn't want to feel lonely anymore, I didn't want to blend into the background. I desperately wanted to be remembered. I wanted to have at least one friend to know that someone apart from my significant other cherished me and wanted me around.

My legs came to a halt. I refused to budge any further, I was almost nearing the end of the busy road. How had every single car managed to elude me? I wanted it to end. Was I asking for too much?

And then it hit me. Like a loud crash of fine China tumbling down. Brakes were put into place. Clamoring feet left their car. I felt nothing at first. Darkness eluded me, and I welcomed it. My body landed on the hot asphalt with a soft thud. Warm liquid oozed around me. I closed my eyes and welcomed the sweet sanction that death would offer me. Finally, I would be free. No more disappointing myself or Lake. I owed him that much. He was much too kind to break things off with me and well- I needed him. But not anymore, I didn't.

I felt so much peace all at once. This was so calming and refreshing. They usually say that suicide was a coward's way out, but I had never felt more like a hero than now. I had managed to do the one thing no one else had - I had managed to save me.