Gwendoline Christie MH and Smut One-Shots <3

I deserve to bleed ~ G.C

Warnings- Self Harm, Anxiety, Depression, little bit of swearing.
This font=thoughts

Gwendoline's pov
I've been feeling worse for quite a while now. Probably nearly six months, and it just come out of nowhere. I honestly feel bad for my wife, y/n. She shouldn't have to put up with me being like this. Y/n and I are both actresses so we both know what its like to constantly face overwhelming expectations. We also both understand how difficult it can be to focus on yourself as well as your jobs. I've struggled with my mental health since I was in high school; it was always a difficult, challenging and painful experience for me; it caused me so much anxiety.. It was unbearable.

I can tell y/n is struggling with it as well as she doesn't really know what to say to me. She's admitted to me that she struggles with her mental health but that she still doesn't know how to comfort others who are struggling, as no one ever helped her. Despite this though, she's amazing at calming me down when im having panic attacks or feeling anxious. And she still tries her best to help me and work around my needs every other time, as do i for her. To be honest I'm glad we haven't really spoken about it much, as I find talking about it makes me feel worse. I am scared that she'll find out how I've been coping though. I don't know how she'll react. I don't want her to leave me. My life has absolutely no meaning without her in it.

To externalise my internal pain, I've been self harming. When I was younger I never understood how someone could intentionally hurt themselves and feel better. That was until I tried it and now I understand all too well. Its a release of all the anxiety, sadness, stress, hate, etc that I have inside of me. It feels amazing at first. Everything negative is seemingly taken away from me. But then, eventually, the guilt kicks in and everything comes back. Then I do it again when everything gets too much. And no matter how hard I try, I can't break the cycle. I try for y/n even though she doesn't know about it but I always end up failing.

I'm about to fail again now. I've been contemplating it for a good ten minutes whilst lying in bed. Life is just so hard. I never feel good enough for anyone or anything. I'm the worst actress ever; and wife. I'm not pretty enough. I'm not talented. I'm worthless. Thats it. I need this. Using all the energy I have left, I peel myself away from my bed and sit up. I open the top draw on my bedside table. Staring back at me, on top of a book is my blade. Gently, I pick it up and hold it in my hand feeling the cold metal against my skin while sitting down on the floor. I deserve to bleed.

I draw in a shaky breath as I lift up my left sleeve. The familiar burning sensation is brought back to me as I drag the blade across my arm. I start at my forearm and continue down to my wrist, cutting over my scars and around my recent wounds that are now scabbing. I'm feeling something once again. My whole body feels lighter. My head isn't crowded with thoughts. I allow myself to be enveloped by the pain. Even though i feel better, i still find myself crying and I'm honestly not sure why. Looking down at what I've done, I realise they're bleeding a little more than usual. Panic starts to creep up inside of me but I push it back down with one thought. I deserve to bleed.

Im not sure how long I've been sat here, but my blood continues to drip down on to the floor where im sat. I begin to feel lightheaded (which isn't unusual for me) and the guilt slowly starts to return. I see the pool of blood on the floor and the few drips on my hand. Quickly beginning to feel anxious, my breathing becomes uneven and I feel like I'm about to have a panic attack. I knew I had to go to y/n, no matter how much I didn't want to. The well known thought 'I deserve to bleed' tries to take over my mind but I ignore it knowing I cannot keep doing this to myself.

I pull myself up with the help of my bed and carefully walk to find where y/n is, holding on to things along the way to keep my balance. I wipe the tears off of my face and neck and pull down my sleeve so y/n doesn't see. "Y/n" I shouted my voice wavering due to my breathing; I'm definitely having a panic attack now. "Yeah?" she replied in a curious tone. I walked in the direction of her voice; it seemed to come from the upstairs lounge. When I didn't reply y/n shouted out "Gwen hon.. are you alright?" I didn't respond as I had reached the doorway to the lounge.