PERHAPS BEING BROKEN IS JUST THE SAME AS JUST BEING

13. The Clutch of Winter

It’s a cold Saturday morning on July 10th. You've been left alone. Starr had an errand for a friend to run. You part curtains that have been tightly drawn the previous night, to let the morning light flood in. You slightly open the bedroom window but the cold winter breeze rushes in, so you adjust it further such that it isn’t as wide. As you do so, the previous night returns to your mind. The thoughts about the cold winter night that you thought has slipped as the night faded. You didn’t want to think about it so you pushed your thoughts.

You feel different this morning. Something about your body has changed,  you feel some tenderness knocking across your breasts. You bring your hands to touch them shortly  but they’re quite sore to touch as mild lower abdominal pain begins to persist. You take Paracetamol tablets , you down them with a glass of water in search of a relief. The pain then settles into a very dull sensation later on. This sensation was all you could feel of yourself,  something was shadowing over the rest of you. You feel something shift within you, something fluid and warm. You feel light spotting in your underwear,  like something is being shed. It persists for a while. You lower your pants and the underwear down to notice red marks of blood on them.

It’s too early for another menstruation period.  You the last one about sixteen days ago.
You’re doubtful of one thing. You remember that there’s a pharmacy in Harmony street right here in Berea Hills, right across Berea Hills Shopping Center downtown. It operates from 9AM to 1pm on weekends and 8 AM to 5PM during weeks days. About two hours later, you get a cab to this place – Med C Pharmacy. You land to this place already burdened down with fear and confusion. You buy two pregnancy tests then head home.

You step into the bathroom with a small plastic cup in your hand and the test that’s still wrapped up. You close the door behind you and sit on the toilet, to relief yourself and then collect the urine into the cup. You unwrap the test stick,  then dip the absorbent end of the test into the cup as instructed.

Your fear charges and lunges to the fore as you so, to clutch your throat and chest as if this brutal winter blew through your garden earlier than you had imagined on July 10th. But the clutch of Winter frosted it’s way in end of May though way before now. But now,  you begin to hold  this feeling that your winter will somehow become cascaded into nights a little bit longer than they should, your days dull but quite longer as well. Your dawn might indeed set in early. You swallow it down , only for it to settle down somewhere in your bones. You breathe again, but then now your legs aren’t steady, you’re shaking and sweat covers the palms of your hands like a lawn of grass cloaked in and wetted down by the winter dew.
It is in this oddly cold winter morning on July 10th when you lost the grasp of what’s really happening to you, one night you were fine in Starr’s bed , your back heavy against his chest and his arms tucking your petite body in but then the next morning – this morning you weren’t.  So now you wait for the truth.

You pull it out of the urine. This way what you've been waiting for must work its way to appear. Or rather little lines – the marks that will display your fate. Marks  ingrained in it which you really won’t be able erase but you will have to face what they indicate eventually. You leave the bathroom to the bedroom You place it on the bed as you wait for the length of five minutes. You had to wait longer but you couldn’t.

You pick the pregnancy test up shaking, planting your eyes on the result window. It’s slate inked with two thick bold red lines. Now you know what it meant. The lines ingrained meant that you’re pregnant. You can’t tell whether  you’re nervous or anxious.  But you’re biting hard on the nail of your pinky. You feel something in your chest,  floating – like  butterflies floating lightly, at a pace of a single wing beat at the time  – one wing fold and release at the time, to fly down to the walls of your belly to settle right along the walls of your stomach where they ignite a desire you barely understood. A desire you wouldn’t defend. A desire that will ruin you and a desire that would be a suitable reminder that most nights are not for sleeping but for running riots in your head, for overthinking. A desire to keep it. A desire to nurture this spirit in gestation. You lay your hands down on the area around your lower abdomen, to massage it lightly with your palms and fingers making slight circular motions. You burst into sobs, to let your tears to escape then wipe them again between sobs when you realize that you can’t.  When you learn that it’s a desire you can’t sustain,  given the timing.

You focus the camera of your phone right above the testing stick flatly placed on his bed. Your hollow eyes struggle to hold this view , every time you give them a glance your knees weaken. You look into the gallery of your cellphone but you feel something turn within you.

You see it, a photo resembling the truth that you didn’t want to believe.  The truth that’d ruin you. You see it warped in this photograph,  it’s form and detail ironed out into two lines. You see how what’s going to be the end of you looks like – like  a machete, that is going to cut you to pieces that will bleed out before you could get a hold of what’s really happening to you.

You press the share button,  to hand it to him too and to Meryl and Quinn later on.You wonder what he'll think when he lays his eyes on them. Will he see them as you see them? Suddenly the room feels small. Like the walls of this afternoon are closing in on you. It’s walls are blurry but you could feel them against your body. You’re now vacant eyed., you try to mask your own nerves but something about this moment makes it impossible to do so. You see them but you don’t see them You are in the dark. You are in the clear light  with your eyes wide open but they see nothing. Your thoughts are everywhere but you are here , you are at the end. You are ruined.

Moments later. The screen of your phone lights up, without any vibrations or a sound. It’s a call from Starr. When you see it, you sink into a feeling that you couldn’t even describe. Like an explosion of something within your chest. A spillage of something that makes you nauseous and nervous.