𝐖𝐄 𝐍𝐄𝐕𝐄𝐑 𝐄𝐕𝐄𝐍 𝐃𝐀𝐓𝐄𝐃 , w2s

22

real life

the days had gone faster than i'd expected. somehow i'd gone from thinking i'd spend the rest of my life in this city to being nauseous at the airport.

nobody had taken the news well, but they understood. with the exception of freezy, callux, and harry, i told everyone at once. the looks of sadness and confusion might have been enough to keep me home if i thought about it enough.

that was midway through february. now it's the last day of april and only now, as i'm checking my bags, is it real to me.

only now is it real that i'm leaving everything i've worked the last 25 years for behind me.

i'm leaving everyone behind.

lux had taken me to the airport and was staying with me until it was time for me to go.

which it was.

they wouldn't let him through security without a pass, which meant this was it. the last time i would see one of my friends for what could be years.

i wasn't ready.

i'm fighting tears as he hugs me goodbye. i don't want to leave but i blink and everything is gone. time's passed and i have to move on.

lux gives me a wave as i disappear into security, and then into the gates.

it's a short wait before my plane boards. i'm one of the first ones on.

when the plane takes off, it's dark. i'm sat next to an elderly woman who is demanding a glass of wine from the flight attendant whenever she passes. i put in my earbuds in an attempt to drown out her complaints and unlock my phone.

my fingers travel to my notes app, where i linger over a folder that has things that could tear me apart.

i shift slightly in my seat so the woman can't see, and then unlock the most recent entry.

notes app

21/04
i wanted to write this down before i forget.

i drank a lot last night. freya and josh invited me out with them to say goodbye. note to self: don't let freya buy shots.

not the point. by the time we were done, it was raining and i couldn't remember much. i was lucky to remember my name, but when i got in the uber, my address had completely left my mind.

i didn't know where to go and i could only remember two others. my mum's house, which was a no. if she saw the state of me in that moment she would've put me in an ice bath to try and freeze the alcohol out of me.

and there was harry's flat.

i knew i had nowhere else to go. freya and josh had already left and i could barely look at my phone.

so i gave the driver that address.

i don't think i realised what i did until i found myself drenched from the rain, shaking as i rang the bell.

the moment the door opened, i remembered that harry was not the only one who lived here. freezy took one look at me and brought me inside, saying you were out at some late night video with ethan.

i don't remember much from that point on, but i know i was secretly disappointed when it wasn't harry who opened the door.

i shouldn't have been. not after how he'd treated me for the last couple of months.

but some part in my chest ached for it to be him behind the door. not cal.

and now i'm laying in my own bed─ cal drove me home apparently─ wishing i could've stayed the night like i used to.

which brings the thought of this:

if i had of told you how i felt earlier, would things be different?

would we have made it as long as some of our friends have? or would things eventually still have fallen apart?

but now the answers to all these unspoken questions are lost in mistakes.

all because we never even dated.