My Burning Heart, Shout Out

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"Wh-what?" I asked, amidst gasps from the audience

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"Wh-what?" I asked, amidst gasps from the audience. Everyone sat, frozen, unsure what to do. I, for one, needed someone to pick my jaw up off the floor.

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Later, everyone would ask me how I got here. I was so uncertain, after all. I didn't know what I wanted to do or what was important to me.

What everyone didn't know is that I always knew who was important to me. I had thought until recently that Jake knew that as well. Logistics be damned. We're end game.

I had been thinking about proposing for a long time. Not getting married right away, of course. But being engaged.

Just a few weeks before everything had happened, I had asked a stylist what size ring everyone wore in an attempt to be inconspicuous. Then, I went to the jeweler and had a ring made especially for Jake.

But then things got weird.

Jake got weird.

My original plan had been to carry on as we were but get engaged so that as soon as we were able, we could be out and official.

Ya know, as I look back on the events of the last few weeks it's almost like Jake knew I was going to propose and started to push me away. After all, he started distancing himself just days after I commissioned the ring.

OR maybe, BECAUSE I had commissioned the ring and was trying not to be obvious to him, I seemed extra distant.

Either way...then the first tabloid photo came out.

Things just kept...happening.

Jake is right - my career is really important to me, and I needed to see where it was in the priority list of my life. I did need that time to see what life would be like.

Sunghoon was right, I did need to tell him about my past. He needed to know who I was. Why gestures and connection and understanding meant more to me than Three Little Words. Words mean nothing. You show love. You give love. Love is a verb.

I started to feel as if maybe I misunderstood. Maybe I'm not what Jake wants. But he kept holding on. That made me push back. Because is he sure? I was sure...but then he doubted me. So, I started to doubt him.

That may sound messy and mixed up, but ultimately the fan sign did it. When I saw him hurt, I rushed to him. I didn't care at all how it seemed or how it would be portrayed. That showed me all I needed to know at the end of the day.

As soon as I knew Jake was taken care of, I had to go get that ring.

I had already paid for it, but I hadn't picked it up because...well...

... I rushed out of the stage door and headed straight to the jeweler. I prayed Jake wouldn't hate me for proposing so publicly. I prayed the guys wouldn't be mad. I prayed fans would keep listening to me. Listening to us.

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