Those Little Moments (Hatake Kakashi)

25

Kakashi:

I watched Emiko leave with a twinge of regret. I just kept hurting her, it seemed, yet another reason to not be friends. No matter how much I'd missed her the past couple days. That's probably why I tried to rile her up like that, because part of me wanted her to yell at me like she usually did, as if I'd never hurt her in the first place. But, of course, I was wrong, and it was different this time. She didn't look angry, she just looked sad, and I hated it.

"What the hell is wrong with you?" Iruka's voice knocked me out of my thoughts.

"Is this still about Naruto? We already settled that with the Hokage, you'll see how strong they are for yourself during the preliminaries." I told him, my voice even.

Iruka glared at me in barely contained rage. "Don't be an idiot! Everyone knows you're smart, so you have to know how badly you've hurt her!"

So he was talking about Emiko. Just when I was trying to avoid thinking about her. In the long run though, it was probably a good thing I was forced to think about it, since running from problems only makes them worse, but it still wasn't enjoyable.

"Which part are you referring to?" My voice was the same as it always is, and Iruka sighed in exasperation.

"At least you're aware you hurt her multiple times. Let's start with the beginning, just to be simple. We can go through everything you've done to Emiko chronologically and you better have a good explanation for making such a strong person cry." His words hit deep, and though my body showed no reaction, I could feel energy building up in my limbs, like an anxiety-filled guilt.

"Well, first I told the Hokage that Emiko needed a protector, because she did and I felt I needed to be that person. Then, I never told him when she was ready to be on her own, because I couldn't admit she was. Then, I couldn't tell her whether she was my friend, because I honestly didn't know the answer myself. Now, I've been avoiding her for days because she's probably better without me in the long run, and I've just insulted her to try to make her mad at me, but it backfired and just made her sad again. There's not much else to it." I said, deadpan.

For a second, Iruka looked a little like Emiko did when I would make her mad. Then, it became clear it was much more serious than Emiko's usual annoyance.

"That's maybe the worst explanation I've ever heard. You know, I told her she was wrong when she said you didn't think of her as a friend, that you were just shocked, but turns out she was right, and you're just an asshole." Iruka pointed his finger in my face.

My facade didn't waver. "Fair enough."

"You have nothing else to say for yourself?!"

"What do you want me to say?"

Iruka growled angrily. "First of all, how the hell you can just 'not know' whether you're friends with her. She looked up to you and respected you and relied on you, and thought you cared about her too, only to find out you're just doing a job. She thinks she was nothing but a burden to you. Do you understand how upsetting that is for her?"

I fell silent for a moment, taking in his words. "She was never a burden. I just can't protect her if I'm distracted by emotions."

Iruka's mouth dropped open, almost laughing at the absurdity of it all. "You've gotta be joking. You know, for such a high-ranking ninja, you're sure acting like a child." He shook his head as I finally gave him a reaction, clenching my fists as my eyes widened. "Emiko is one of the strongest, most caring people you'll ever meet. She basically invited me to be part of her family the moment we met just so that Naruto could have a semblance of a normal childhood. She didn't even react telling me about traumatic memories of her emprisonment, and had to be the one to reassure me she was ok instead of the other way around. She'd gotten personally invested in all of our students, even though she already has a kid to care about. She's had everything bad happen to her, and yet she's still throwing her heart out to every person she can, even after feeling like she lost you again. Anyone who doesn't accept a friendship from her is crazy and miserable. You're losing a chance to actually have someone care about you, and, you know what, at this point I don't care that you're hurting yourself, all I care about is the fact that she can talk about being violated with a straight face but can't even mention you without crying." 

At this, I stopped even trying to hide my emotions. Just the thought that I was hurting her that badly was a stab in the heart, and no matter how much I wanted to look away, I couldn't. I kept right on making full eye contact with Iruka and seeing all his anger and sorrow and the promise that he would protect her. From me. My obsession with protecting her, my guilt complex that forced me to keep her at a distance, was what she needed to be protected from. And I couldn't lie to myself about that anymore. 

"Just because you're too stupid to accept her friendship, doesn't mean anyone else is, and if you hurt her again, I will kill you, I don't care if you're stronger than me."

Finally, I looked away and nodded. "You're right." My voice was quieter than usual, and didn't hold the matter-of-fact tone I usually used, instead it was defeated. Iruka seemed surprised at my change in temperament; it was a rare occurence, and he'd never once seen me without my metaphorical mask. "I'll do my best not to hurt her anymore."

Iruka nodded hesitantly, before harshly adding, "That doesn't mean take yourself out of her life, if that's what you're thinking. She'll be happiest if you decide to be her friend. Either way, you better make it clear that she is not the problem here."

Iruka seemed to accept that his point had sunken in and left, heading towards Naruto's apartment. Subconsciously, I followed behind him, and I watched as Emiko opened the door for him and greeted him with a hug. It was a quick hug, but she rubbed his back gently, and her smile softened as they embraced. I could smell the curry she had made from my hiding spot and could hear Naruto's excited yell when he saw Iruka.

In the past couple days, being Emiko's protector was the last thing I'd been doing. I had been the one to hurt her, and I could only imagine what Minato-sensei would say, or Kushina or Rin or Obito. They would all tell me, in their own ways, that I was being stubborn and toxic. Emiko would tell me I'm being stupid if she knew all my thoughts. No wonder she'd been mad that I was 'protecting' her. 

The only person currently protecting Emiko was Iruka, and he was protecting her from me. As I made that realization, it felt like a weight lifted off my chest and the guilt and responsibility that had been following me around dimmed. If Iruka was Emiko's protector and I wasn't, I really had no excuse anymore for not being her friend. It wasn't my job not to be her friend anymore.

My lips curled into a bittersweet smile thinking of the dreams I'd had where we would just be spending time together, training or reading or eating dinner with no restrictions, and remembered the sadness in her eyes when she'd spoken to me today. Knowing Emiko, she would probably forgive me and take me back as a friend the second I asked. She got angry easily, especially when it came to childish things or competitions, but whenever anything serious happened, she forgave quickly.

She would forgive me, even if she was still hurt by what I'd done, and she would pretend it was ok. I was gonna have a hell of a time fixing what I'd done to her.