The Galway Boy

2. Stuck In A Hamster Wheel

A whole exchange year. I can barely get it off my mind. It's the only thing I seem to think of nowadays. I bet it would feel incredible just to let everything go, and get away from the hamster wheel of life everyone seems to have. I did sign up for the list my teacher handed us, but what if I won't get Paris? It's Paris I want to go to. I can feel my heart raising just at the thought of not going there, it almost makes me feel sick. I've never been good with changing plans that I've made for my future, I guess that's why I always work so hard. To achieve those plans. But it's been a week now since I wrote my name on that paper, and Chris told us it would take a week maximum to get the answer. 

The sun is peaking through the window and is heating my bed covers. I have a hate-love relationship with summer mornings. All I want to do is to stay in bed to hear the birds twitter and look at the beautiful weather outside my window. But at the same time, there's a part of me who always gets anxious as soon as the weather is nice. I always assume it's because there's this huge press to always have a list of fun things to check off as soon as it's above a certain degree. But I've come to the realization that it's probably a feeling of loneliness rather than a lack of things to do. Gosh, I hate being lonely. Something I've also always struggled with. But i shouldn't be complaining about the nice weather and my loneliness issues. Such a Swedish thing to do, I got greater things ahead of me. I can feel it. 

I contradictory get out of bed. The attempt to get out of bed as fast as possible to ease the pain of another morning turned into me almost losing my balance and seeing black. Annoyingly that always seems to happen to me due to my low blood pressure. I sigh and force myself to get into the pair of way too tight high-waisted black jeans that are hanging on the chair beside my bed. I reach for the white tube tank top on the floor beside the chair. That'll do, I think to myself. I'm sure I'm not meeting anyone special today, it's Saturday after all.

I take some heavy steps downstairs, walk into the kitchen, and yawn as if I hadn't slept in a week. The fact that everything in our home is white; the walls, the interior, my mom's laptop, and even her outfit of the day, doesn't make it easier to adjust my morning eyes from the darkness in my room. I can bet on that it's just a second til my mom makes a commen- 

Mom: "Wow, you look... awake"

My mom laughs scornfully as I walk into the kitchen. Guess this hamster wheel has actually gotten to me. 

Collin: "Anna looks like - like - like A ZOMBIE!

My little brother Collin doesn't seem to hold anything to himself. He's very cute, but extremely annoying both personality-wise and look-wise. His brown hair and ice-blue eyes with long black lashes has would have anyone fooled. Collin has just turned 5 years old and everything he seems to have stuck in his brain now these last couple of weeks seems to be zombies. The only thing, and when i say the only thing I mean THE ONLY thing, he wished for his birthday was  a zombie costume so that we could play zombie-apocalypse with his just as dorky but cute friends. 

Me: "Ha-ha-ha you're too funny", I laugh sarcastically as I turn for the oats in the cabinet

Me: "But hey Collin, do you know what zombies do to small cute kids?"

Collin: "Noooothing!", he screams with confidence in his voice

Me: "m-h-m if you say so?". 

I turn my voice down into a mysterious dark voice as a slowly sneak up on him.  

Me: "Cause I've read that there are zombies buried in our backyard. They were once human, just like us...". 

Collin is looking at me with his big eyes, part from fear but also with excitement 

Me: "... but now they are waking from their graves, smelling like rotten meat. Going towards our house to find small child brains to eat, and then they BA-AM!!!" 

Collin flinches and does a fast scream. 

Collin: "I didn't even get sca-a-ared Anna!", he says with a shiver in his voice

I'm just gonna let Collin believe that, but he should've seen his face, unbeatable! I can even hear my mom giggling at the prank as she walks to the fridge to look for something Collin can get for breakfast. My thoughts go back to what Chris said about the application process to Paris. Maybe, it's time to ask my mom what she thinks. I mean, I have saved my money for a reason, so why is this so hard? I guess it's the reaction that scares me the most, the reaction that could change it all. With the reaction I fear the most, I wouldn't be able to leave, I wouldn't have the heart to. I'm taking. my coco pops and put some in my bowl in front of me. Collin passes me the milk with a shaky grip and I pour some in på coco pops. Breakfast is so underrated, this was ridiculously good! 

Me: "Ehm, mom? I've been thinking about something" 

Oh wow, good there Anna, nice start! - I pep talking to myself. 

Mom: "Okay! How exciting! Let me hear", she answered with a calm tone

Me: "So, you know my teacher Chris?", my mom nods confirmatory. "He told my class last week that they've been arranging internships at different universities around the world. I really, really want to go..."

My mom sighs, and look at her breakfast consisting of two hardboiled eggs from yesterday's breakfast leftovers. 

Me: "... But I also understand if it's bad timing"

Mom is looking at me like she's the original painting of the Mona Lisa. it's impossible to see any type of emotion in her expression or any time of thought going through her head. She sighs again, but this time it's an exhausted sigh. That damn sigh, says it all. She's probably thinking of being all alone, another person leaving her, even if it's "just" for a year. I can feel my heart beating faster and faster. The feeling is scary. But I've felt this feeling before. It's heartbreak. 

I can feel my thoughts going back in time to the exact places I've felt these emotions before. I'm starting to panic. The last time I felt this was when Edvin broke up with me for the third time, the time before that was when he broke up with me the second time and I guess I don't need to mention the time before that. But the first time I had this feeling was with Sebastian, my first real boyfriend, and the one before Edvin. Edvin was a nice person, but he was immature, which made him mean, and wow that hurt. I can still think to this day that we were meant for each other. But like any other guy, he didn't realize it until it was too late. Sebastian however, I was scared of him. He hurt himself to prevent me from breaking up with him, and it worked. Until it didn't. I eventually shut of emotionally. 

I shiver, and try to shake off all the terrible memories I have from that relationship. I'm not ready to get back there, memories that I've tried so hard to forget. I don't want this feeling to get back, to get me back to that dark place again. But it will, I can tell.