There is no hope left inside me. Every day is just a miserable day without any spark of happiness.
I sleep and wake up with the same misery and this time i truly believe that there's no return to happiness.
I'm getting scared for myself because the unimaginable amount of alcohol i consume on a daily basis. I forgot the taste of water. I only drink vodka and wine.
Inside our house there is no voice. None of us talks. We just exist.
Skylar when she realised the reality, the loss of our babies, she doesn't talk at all. I missed the sound of her voice.
She doesn't move for hours, she just stares to blank barely blinking.
She doesn't go outside, not even to the balcony.
She doesn't eat anything. I feed her a small amount of food because if she will continue to act like that she will collapse. She got so skinny and i am afraid she will suffer from anorexia.
She doesn't wash herself. Every two days i carry her to the bathroom undressing and placing her in the bathtub. I wash her hair carefully and then her body.
In the bathtub either she keeps staring at infinity or she cries and i do anything to make her feel a little bit better but i don't succeed every time.
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Deep inside it kills me more seeing her like that and being unable to help her.
When it's bed time i know that she's faking sleeping. She closes her eyes as soon as i arrive in the bedroom to make me think that she's asleep but i know that when she thinks i am asleep she opens her eyes and stares at the ceiling or sobbing or going to our babies' room.
When i believed she was asleep i looked at her for a moment. She seemed calm and there's long time passed since she was truly calm. I caressed her hair and kissed her forehead.
I still do it most of the times.
I tell her every day that she's the strongest person i know and few people could bear what she's through throughout her whole life.
Three days ago i got so scared.
I had left home because of the new album release... It was night... And when i returned home i saw Skylar lying on the floor on her back in front of the stares.
At first i thought she passed out because she barely eats something.
When i approached her i saw a needle nailed in her arm and she was unconscious.
