Hollow

Nostophobia

  I have this big fear of nostalgia.

  When I was ten years old, I had this habit of avoiding all the things I liked or did afore. I did this out of fear. Like not listening to certain songs or wearing a specific colored jacket. Because I was convinced these things had a part of me it. The old me I have, and will everlastingly dislike with all my heart and soul, even if it's the me from last friday. Consequently, these things were 'cursed' with bad luck.

  Not that the white NYC sweatshirt has a bad memory associated-like a big fight with my mother dearest, or the loss of a loved one-oh, no. I don't wear it because I fear it. Riptide by Vance Joy. That one song that everyone knows how to play on a ukulele. From the lyrics to the harmony, and just everything about it is like a memory. A good memory from the past. The song itself is about a man in love with a woman. Or maybe I'm misinterpreting it. I've read about it somewhere that it's about the guy getting tricked,and unrequited love and feeling lonely-but then finding hope again. He falls in love with a woman, but he cannot have her. So by knowing that he "cannot have her in any other way", he kills her. His love turns into mad obsession. Anyways, I had to throw it out my playlist because I kept "accidentally" listening to it.

  Whenever I listen to this song, or reread a Harry Potter book, or tie my hair in a certain kind of hairstyle that I did before, I'm convinced that my day the next day will go wrong. I know that this is straight up idiocy. But that part of me, the old me who everyone but myself wishes would come back. She would have "joined me", became a part of me again. I worked so hard to get rid of her, yet she still finds her way back to me every single time. And the bad luck will start again, everything will go wrong, things will start getting bad.

  The worst part -the bitter cup-is that my mind still works this way. I still do firmly believe that if I wear my glasses again my life will go downhill. So I would rather be blind, then have a bunch of repetitive bad days again.

  So I wonder–is it really nostalgia that I fear, or just myself?