// michael //
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"the saddest people smile the brightest."
-
"um hi is this Val?" I speak into the phone, biting on my nails I don't even have.
"this is?" she answers as a question. "and you are.."
"michael.." I answer into the phone. I know amethyst must've told her about me since I'm the reason she left.
"oh the one who cheated on amethyst right?" she says after a few moments of silence, her tone growing angrier.
"uh yeah." I admit sadly.
"what do you want?" she groans.
"c-can I talk to her? please?" I stutter, no thought going through my words.
"I would let you, but she's busy working right now so." she answers.
"is there a way I can-"
"no michael. you hurt her enough." she cuts me off.
"I know I'm just trying to-"
"stop. if you're trying to tell her that you still care, she won't believe you michael. you hurt her pretty fucking bad so you can make things right the hard way or stay away. that's final." Val says and I don't answer her, just let her thoughts process through my brain.
"have a nice day." she tells me in a perkier tone before she hangs up, leaving me dumbfounded.
"fuck!" I yell so loud, the whole world could hear, falling into my bed in defeat.
the phone falls to the ground with a hard thumb as the tears and anger come back to me. this sounds supers cheesy like all of the teenage girls with heartache, I scream into my pullow resting before me. I miss her and there's not a damn thing I can do. I don't even know where she is in New York and that scares me the most. what if I search for her for months and months and don't find her anywhere?
a few minutes later after I calm down, I go down to see my mom resting her head in her palms at the kitchen island.
"mum?" I ask her before she notices I'm there.
"oh hey hun." she says, standing upright, like nothing happened.
"what's wrong?" I ask her.
"I don't know how I can say this but, michael you can't go to New York."she sighs.
"w-what why?" I stutter as my lips quiver.
"we just can't afford it right now." she says, placing her head back into her palms.
"I i have some money saved up." I tell her, my hope sinking.
"no honey, you don't need to do that." she answers, writing down on her paper before her.
"mom you know how bad I need to see her." my voice cracks, blinking the tears away.
"I know I know michael. I'm sorry." she says, disappointment plastered across her face.
"d-do you know when i can go there?" I ask her, my last stretch of hope based on this question.
"um, a month at the highest." she says sadly. I know she feels awful about all of this.
"a month." I say with my hands tangling through my hair. "so close
but so far away."
"I'm sorry. I know how bad you wanted to go." my mom tells me with a defeated look on her face.
"it's fine mum. don't worry about it." I reply, walking up the stairs slowly, trying to process everything through my brain.
I can't see her.
for a whole month as the least.
what if she finds someone new?
what if she forgets all about me?
I mean, of course I want her to be happy. but I want her to be happy because of me. not because of some other dude she finds in New York.
this is all of my fucking fault. I let her get away from me and I know I shouldn't have. she's all I had in this world and now everything is gone and I'm left with nothing. nothing at all. I know I say this many times, but I still can't seem to get over it. if I didn't see someone else, she wouldn't be gone now and I wouldn't be thinking such things. if I hadn't tried to make her quit her stupid habit, I wouldn't be so lost without her.
it's all my fault.
everything is my fault.
I hate myself every second for it.
because she's gone.
gone.
somewhere completely new.
without me to make sure she's okay.
or that she's doing fine.
it's all my fault.
God, I hate myself.
I lay in my bed until around 11 o'clock. right when my mum goes to bed, I go downstairs.
my guilt is literally eating me at the roots. it's killing me from the inside and I can't control it.
it's all your fault, michael.
she's all gone because of you.
she'll never love you again from what you did.
you ruin everything.
you lost everything with her.
everything.
my sobs are quiet for nobody to hear, but they're so full of pain. the words inside my head are killing me, telling me it's all my fault and I already know. I can't do it any longer. these voices run throughout my head every second of every day, and I can't take this pain anymore.
maybe if I hurt myself, it'll all be gone. the guilt I've had inside since I saw the look in her eyes. the look of sadness and betrayal. it's all because of me, that look. I made her have the look in her eyes. I made her leave.
my eyes travel to the sharp metal blade that I almost used earlier.
it's all your fault.
do it, you deserve it.
you deserve the pain.
you deserve to be hurt just like she did.
do it.
I dare you.
I put the sharp blade onto my thin skin on my wrists. instantly, blood gathers to the surface with pain shooting through my nerves.
maybe one more will do?
I repeat the exact same motion I did moments before, the sting not hurting as much.
just one more.
the final touch of the blade against my skin sends relief, yet pain, rushing through my veins. it feels as if all of my guilt is gone and I'm free for an instant with it rushing through my body.
placing bandages into the gauges on my wrists, trying to clean up all of the blood fallen from it. honestly, all the blood loss is making me dizzy, but nobody can know I did this to myself.
nobody.
•••••••••••••
IM SORDY THIS IS SO SAD IDK WHY I DID THUS AT 12 AM BYE
