Just like any other normal person, I lay in my bed wide awake at 3am, imagining a hypothetical conversation between me and the person I had a crush on, back in high school.
Well, I haven't met the person since and in the hypothetical conversation I open up about my wounds and insecurities. The part of me that finds comfort in rom-coms, expects the person to react like the men in those rom-coms, written by women.
But my heart sinks as soon as I get dragged back to reality, realising that maybe the person won't be a good listener and won't even let me finish talking before changing the topic to something mainstream and irrelevant to the conversation.
All these incidents are happening inside my head. Where as in reality, I m barely doing anything besides sleep through the day, eat because I m hungry and stay up all night.
Before you accuse me of deviating from the title, I'll tell you what the imaginary conversation went like:
Guy: Hey!
(Smiles)
Me: Hi!
(Smiling awkwardly because sometimes I feel like smiling will make my face look fatter than it already is)
*after finishing the mandatory small talk and generic catching up*
Guy: So why aren't you in touch with others? You don't even attend the reunion events.
Me: I don't know how to explain it in a way that makes sense but I get scared at the thought of it.
Guy: Did you get bullied?
Me: No, but I might have acted like an a** to others without even realising it.
Guy: umm okay... so what is it?
Me: I don't like who I was as a person back then.
Guy: You seemed like a regular person though, what did you not like?
Me: Maybe I didn't like being just a regular and ordinary person. Do you like the person you were at that age?
Guy: haha... I was definitely stupid but I have fond memories. That's the period when I made all these amazing friends. Why did you not stay in touch with your friends?
Me: I was never good at it, making friends, staying friends, the whole ordeal seems stressful. I did stay in touch with a couple of them for a while but I guess we all got busy along the way and forgot about each other.
Guy: Are you no longer in touch with your best friend? You both used to upload a lot of pictures together.
Me: hmm... i guess not all relationships are meant to work out.
Guy: don't you miss her?
Me: At times I do, but I guess I don't miss her enough to reach out and rekindle. It's funny because there was a time when I thought I'll fall apart if we ever stopped being friends but I didn't fall apart. I didn't even feel the sadness I thought I would feel. Life kept happening and I had the time to know myself better.
Guy: So, do you know yourself better now?
Me: Well... I definitely do, but the hardest part is accepting the mistakes only I m responsible for. So, how well do you know yourself?
Guy: I know myself well enough to know that I need a refill of whatever this drink this. And I do know that there have been days when I could sleep better because there was someone else I held responsible for a mistake I made. I m not trying to justify my behaviour but I was young and I didn't know any better. Or maybe it was the beginning of my villain story. Not the kind of villain who's a product of the society, but one that has an insatiable appetite for chaos.
Me: wow...
Guy: What? You didn't expect me to have deep thoughts and think that I m a person with many layers? I m practically an onion.
Me: Hahahaha... No, I was expecting someone who's entire personality is quotes from meme pages. But this is a pleasant surprise.
Guy: So ... what did you not like about yourself?
Me: (Everything, that's the answer I could think of but I responded with a half baked truth)
Me: Well, now you have made me forget about that. But I guess it was something about how everyone else boasted about their life that made mine feel insignificant in comparison.
Guy: I guess that is how we all might have felt at some point but you know now how people exaggerate details about their life?
Me: Yes, yes, I do know that now. But I have always felt that I m not good enough. As a teenager, when some of the girls boasted about the attention they are getting from their admirers, I envied them.
I always blamed my appearance, especially my weight for not being at the receiving end of all the adoration.
Now I know that I don't need validation from a second or third person but it still feels good to know that you are liked, loved and acknowledged.
Guy: It does feel good to know that you are loved.
Me: hmm... it seems that a lot of people have expressed and confessed their love for you.
Guy: isn't that obvious? Well, I m kidding. Not a lot but quite a few have made me feel their love, just by being there when I needed them.
Me: That is beautiful. I guess that's all we need from the people we surround ourselves with.
Guy: So did you not make any friends afterwards?
Me: I did.
Guy: And?
Me: they are good friendships, healthy friendships. There's mutual respect, understanding, and I don't feel like flaunting the quality of the relationship over social media anymore.
Guy: you haven't active on your Instagram for a while now.
Me: well... I made a separate, kind of secret but not so secret account. Needed a break from the posts of people I used to know, but I also wanted to scroll through reels of funny cats and cooking videos.
Guy: you know that you could have just muted and unfollowed them right?
Me: yeah but I didn't want to. They remind me of what I was like, and I still feel that sense of inferiority and invisibility in their presence. All those uncomfortable feelings creep through even when I see them post their pictures together. But I don't want to eliminate them or that part of my life. I just want to separate myself from it until I feel confident enough to confront all those emotions.
Guy: I do not relate to it, but I think I understand how you are feeling. I can see how well you know yourself. I don't intend to break the flow of our conversation but we have to leave now. It's time for them to close the restaurant.
Me: oh... I didn't even realise what the time is.
Guy: that's fine. Let me book an Uber to another place that'll stay open for a while. We can continue our conversation on the way, if that's fine with you?
Me: I would love that.
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As this is a very unplanned first draft, ignore all typing and grammatical mistakes, including punctuation. This is something I typed on my phone between 3-5am. And no I don't feel sleepy yet but I do feel a lot lighter and better. Adios.
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