I Don't Need Anything Else

2: It's Just a Butterknife

Valentino

I hate waking up.

"Despiertate!" My little sisters sing to wake me up, jumping up and down on my bed. Griselda is the youngest, she's 5 years old and she's deeply, deeply obsessed with Dora the Explorer. I can already hear it playing from the living room. She even has her hair cut like hers.

Luna is 10 and tries to act the most mature and sophisticated (she's in that phase) so she doesn't hop on my bed but simply judges Griselda, Maribel, and Yoselin. "Stop, he's awake."

Maribel frowns at her, throwing her a dirty look. "You're so stupid, Luna." Maribel is also 10, and arguably the sassiest person on earth. She has absolutely no filter and although she's short, she will very much jump either of us. Luna rolls her eyes at her, she's simply too high class to argue back.

Yoselin is the oldest of my little sisters. She's 14 and she is just so incredibly smart. She's quiet around others but when she's with us, we can't get her to shut up. "Tino, I have to get pads before you drop me off. I started my period." All the commotion stops and we stare at her.

"What?" I ask. She chews on her nails and I still can't really get what she's saying.

"Are you feeling okay?" I ask. God, why didn't I think of that? She's growing up, this was  bound to happen. What am I supposed to say or do? "Is there anything you need?"

"I'm bleeding. I need pads," she deadpans.

Griselda turns to me, "I don't see blood? What's period?"

Luna's know-it-all self answers, "A period happens once a month where-"

"Can you please shut up?" Maribel screams.

Yoselin gets up and walks out. I follow behind her, leaving the girls to fight and/or kill each other.

"Hey," I say, catching up to her. "Are you really okay?"

She opens her mouth to say something but stops short. Then she says, "Just cramps." Yoselin looks away. She turns the corner to our small house and goes to her room. Griselda pushes past me, going to her shared room with Yoselin, the door shutting behind them.

It's time like these I wish our parents were here. Because I am not trained enough to raise 4 growing girls. I miss my mom.

Something grabs me, squeezing my body, my chest, my lungs so tight I can't breathe. Before the girls can see, I burst into the bathroom. My hands clench around the sink as I try to inhale and exhale. And it gets worse. My mind is spirling. What if I can't take care of these girls the way they should be taken care of? The way I promised my parents I would? What if something happens to them? What if something happens to me? Who will take care of my little sisters? What if I lose my job and I can't pay the mortgage? Then I'd have to go get a loan for the house but what about their clothes? Their food? Their pads? Then I'd be in debt, so much debt. Now I'm gasping, trying my best to just calm down but my thoughts all race, wrapping around me, choking me, killing me because that's what this feels like. It's like I'm dying like I'm being buried alive, six feet deep and the dirt is seeping through the holes of the coffin and there's just not enough air and I'm panicking, I'm panicking so bad because it's just me. It's just me at 22 years old with 2 dead parents, a terrible job, and 4 siblings to take care of. And at the end of the day, it's just me.

I force myself to stop, to shut up and get it together. I cannot be weak. I just can't. I have 4 people depending on me so no matter what, I have to pull through for them. I have to. I stare myself down in the mirror, remembering the last promise I made to my mother and father.