their thoughts on love

to run to or from it

If you listened hard enough you could hear it.

Hear what?

Oh, just the sound of Silas's walls breaking.

He could only stare straight ahead at what seemed to be an unbroken, solid sky ahead of him as he felt himself fall apart.

"It's not your fault," she said before, so carefully touching his face that it felt like a ghost caressing him. He was disgusted at how he just let her. How he just let her care for him when he didn't deserve it. He felt worthy of love, and that was uncomfortable. It felt safer to just feel unlovable. If he was unlovable, then that meant that no one truly cared, but if the opposite was true it meant that his actions truly hurt people. The more he thought about it, the more he tried to push it to the back of his mind. The only problem was that people's faces started to come to the front.

When Oliver described love, it always sounded passionate to an extent, just like the way Maverick would explain it.

"When I'm with him, I can't imagine being happy anywhere else. I want to stay with him until the Earth explodes, and until my ashes are spread into the sea. When I see him, he always seems too far, and I can never get close enough. I want to be so close that I can't look into his eyes, because that means we're in each other's arms. His hugs are always warmer than anyone else's."

At least, that's how Silas remembered them saying it.

Silas knew no one felt like that about him, hence the assumption that no one truly loved him. He never felt the same about anyone else either, so he assumed he was incapable of love, whether it be feeling or receiving it. He believed he was doomed to a loveless future, and when he was younger it was just another thing that pushed him to academic success. Maybe, if he did well enough someone would love him. Maybe someone would want to hold him the way Maverick and Oliver held onto each other.

But as time went on, he started to accept it, until he was forced to realize that he was capable of loving like that.

That same person also taught him that love comes in many forms, and people love in different ways. She happened to love in a quiet way, with gentle touches and listening instead of passionate kisses and flirting. She showed him that you can love a friend, and that a friend can love back. That love can come in laughter and it can also come in silence.

He always thought love was something hard to find, but when he looked around at the people around him, they all loved someone in their own special way. The way some would pick flowers for another person if they saw they were upset, or how someone would stay by another's side when they were alone.

His mother loved him when she would make him tea in the morning before she sped off to work. His sister loved him when she would send letters with a few smiley face stickers on them to remind him that he shouldn't be scared to smile. His brother loved him when he would present him with a bucket full of sand crabs for him to study, even if they disgusted Silas and he would throw them back out into the water when Maverick wasn't looking. Hope loved him when she tried to make presents to send him every so often in the mail. Oliver's parents loved him when they treated him like a son, inviting him to their family as if he belonged there the entire time. Oliver loved him when he would try his best to make him happy, even if Silas acted like he didn't want to be around him. Noah loved him when she would eagerly listen to him talk about something he found fascinating, or annoying, or difficult.

Dior loved Oliver when she would dance with him and teach him how to do Hope's hair. Dani loved Hudson when she would tell him about things she found beautiful. Hudson loved Hope when he would teach her patiently about everything she asked about, no matter how trivial and insignificant it seemed. Hope loved Dior when she would present her with a bouquet of half blown dandelions, telling her that she wanted to let Dior have "half of her wish."

Sarah loved when... he wasn't sure about Sarah, but after what he'd seen, he imagined that she was capable of some form of love. He just couldn't see it right now, and he probably never would.

His mind went back to how Noah decided for the first time to speak against what he was saying, thankful yet also not for her input. She was right, but he didn't want her to be. Who taught her to be like that? Was it because someone loved her that they taught her?

"Noah?"

"Yes?"

Silas looked at the stars, just now remembering that they were visible, even if he was staring at them for a while beforehand. "How do you think I love?"

He heard her shift onto her side and knew that she was facing him, but he couldn't bring himself to look back at her. Asking that question was already too much, and he was astonished that he actually had the nerve to blurt out such a stupid sounding question.

"Hm. I think... sharing maybe. You only share things with people you care about. Usually you keep everything to yourself: your thoughts, your feelings, your experiences, and, you know, everything else. You're a private person. But, when someone gets close enough you seem to share things, and I have to say I'm definitely thankful for the food you share with me. You're a good cook."

He blinked. "Oh. Thank you, Noah."
"Mhm."

He heard her shift again and after a few minutes, when he could guess she was asleep, he turned only his head to look at her, some of his hair falling in his eyes.

It isn't fair, he thought to himself. How can someone so loving make someone so unloving so...

Loving wasn't the right word. It was as if he was only now being made aware of what love was, so he wasn't able to call himself loving just yet. He needed to obtain more love and give more out before that could happen, but it was a start. How could someone so quiet start so much inside his head, that he rethinks his entire place in the world? How could someone so unappreciated make him feel cared for?

He knew life wasn't fair. He had heard that most of his life, when people asked why it was Maverick that was taken so soon, too soon. But when he looked at her, he wanted to become someone that could make life seem a little more fair for her.