this is the golden age of something Good and Right and Real

it's the age of princesses and pirate ships

Izzie knows something's up the minute she walks in the door.

"Dinner's on in five," Alex tells her brightly, over the heads of their daughters, who have crowded around her knees for hugs and kisses. "I went all the way out to Fiscella's and got that fresh pasta you like."

She clocks it immediately - the false cheer in his voice, the toothiness of his grin. It's kind of like someone described happiness to an alien or a newly-sentient cabbage and told them to act it out.

"What's going on?" she asks, scooping up Lina and brushing what looks suspiciously like cookie crumbs off her cheeks.

"Nothing!"

"You forgot to go to that parents' meeting at the school, didn't you?"

"No! I went! Can't I just make dinner once in a while?"

"I mean, you can, but... Alex, fire!"

He yelps and takes a pot lid to the dish towel that's currently smoldering at the edge of the stove. He bangs down on it until he smothers out the flames, then swipes the towel into the sink, where he douses it with water for good measure. "It's fine!" he announces when Izzie makes to help him. "I've got it!" He's still got red oven mitts on his hands and looks a little bit like a deranged lobster. "All under control!"

"Are you - is everything okay?"

"Yep! Everything's great. Never better."

"That's not the first fire," Alexis whispers to her mother.

Alex points a menacing oven mitt at her. "Hey. Narc. You told me that you could keep a secret."

Their oldest daughter sticks her tongue out at him, and Alex sticks his out right back. The whole exchange sends Lina into gales of giggles. "Just go wash your hands," he orders. "Take Lina. And tell Eli it's time to eat."

"Where is Eli anyway?" Izzie asks as she hands Lina off to her sister.

"In the bedroom. He's... well, he needed a little down time after school."

"Oh no. Was it another bad day?" Izzie asks. The school year has only been in full swing for a few weeks, but this year's adjustment has been challenging for their sweet-natured, gentle son. Izzie actively hates his teacher, Mrs. Dobbs, a sour old thing who looks like she'd rather eat children than teach them.

Alex hesitates and swings away from the stove to grab a stack of bowls. "Not a bad day," he answers. "But... there was a... I ended up having to go in and... Well, here, do you want some wine first?"

"First?" she asks. "Alex, what's going on?"

But before he can answer, there's a buoyant cry of "Hi Mom!" as their son bounds into the room, the chipper grin Alex was trying to approximate spread wide over Eli's face.

"Well hi there!" Izzie says, leaning down to accept a huge hug and kiss. Given the lead-in Alex just provided, she's a little surprised at her son's cheery mood. "What a great smile, kid! Did you have a good day?"

"Yeah!" Eli answers brightly. "Dad yelled at Mrs. Dobbs and now we're having a party for the whole school at our house!"

Izzie tries not to breathe flames as she straightens up and locks eyes with her husband.

He reaches over and hands her the glass of wine he's already poured. The forced grin from earlier has definitely vanished.

"Iz, I can explain."

* * *

"So. Let's just recap," Izzie says as she paces the floor of their bedroom. "You picked up the kids and then went to that parents' meeting like I asked you."

Alex looks up from where he's seated at the foot of their bed. "Yes. And I got the information about the bake sale, like you asked."

"Okay. And then they started talking about the first fundraiser, the one before the bake sale."

Alex scoffs. "Yes. The 'Daddy Daughter Dance'." He carves out quotation marks in the air with his fingers, a look of disgust on his face.

"And what was your problem with this, exactly?"

"Eli heard about it, and he really wanted to go. You know how much he loves to dress up! And they were talking about getting a deejay and having a photo booth with the props and shit and he just totally lit up! And before the PTA lady, you know, the one with the perm, before she could even nicely dissuade him, that bat said 'no', that it was 'just for girls'!"

Izzie softens a little. "Well, that's stupid."

"It is stupid. It's the twenty twenties! What the hell kind of stupid gender normative bullshit is this?"

"But all that notwithstanding..." Izzie holds up her hand. "Can we get to the part where you called her a 'total white crayon' and a 'walking fart'?"

Alex takes a long pause and chances a glance up at Izzie. His cheek twitches.

Izzie holds up a warning hand. "No. Don't you dare," she threatens. "We're not laughing at this!"

"Look. Look. I couldn't complain about gender politics and then call her what I really wanted to, which was a heinous bitch."

"So you came down on WALKING FART?!"

"Alexis called Eli that last week and I swear to God, Iz, it's the best insult I've ever heard."

And with that they both fall apart laughing.

"God," Izzie gasps, wiping the tears from her eyes when she finally can breathe again. She heaves a deep breath and sits down next to Alex. "She is. She is an absolute walking fart."

"She's the worst. We should talk to the principal about getting Eli moved." Alex shakes his head. "This whole thing is so dumb. Why do they call it a Daddy Daughter Dance anyway? I mean, literally, how much trouble is it to just call it Parents' Night? There's gotta be kids without dads that it excludes. You're telling me there are no gay moms in this stupid school?"

Izzie sighs. "I know, I know. So - can you go over how did we went from 'walking fart' to hosting a school event at our house?"

Alex sighs and passes a hand over his hair. "I swear, I was just so mad I practically blacked out. They all said that it was too late to make a change, so I said that if they wouldn't let Eli come, then we'd just host a dance where all the kids could come. And then another mom stepped up and said she thought that was a great idea, and then a couple more moms piped in, and then by the time we'd gotten home Alexis had called all the kids in her class and I'd gotten calls from at least ten other parents and it just kind of... spiraled."

"Yeah, so I gathered." She reaches down and takes her husband's hand. "But you realize we're totally on the hook for this, right?"

He nods. "Yeah, I know."

"Annnnd you know I'm booked solid on surgeries for the rest of the week and then on call literally all weekend, right?"

"Fuuuuuck," he groans. Then he hauls in a deep breath and squares his shoulders. "No, you know what? I can do this. I mean, how much can there possibly be to do, right?"

Izzie pats him on the hands and chuckles. "Oh honey. Let's start making you a list."