The things i have done for you

Chapter one

"what do i have to do for you to love me? i have tried so much but nothing seems to work. I have eaten more. i have eaten less. i have revealed more. i have revealed less. i made scars all around my body. i made myself hate who i am for you. so why cant you just love me? maybe enough is enough? maybe i am not a person you can love. if that is the case i do not know what to do. my only goal in life is to make you love me. maybe starting a conversation with you is a good start. i do not know anymore. maybe i should give up? maybe i am wasting my time? who knows. no one can know that. "you can do better!" people tell me. but i dont think i can. you are perfect. you are so caring. maybe not to me but to everyone else. maybe giving up on you is the best thing to do? no. i can not be. i promised her before she passed that i would never give up. i dont know any more."

I close my notebook. What am I supposed to do? She just passed away and this one guy hates me. I just want somebody who loves me. I want to feel the way she made me feel before she passed, but I don't even know if that's possible. 

My thoughts keep on rushing through my mind. 

It's so quiet.

Nothing around me makes any noice.

The only thing i can hear is my own breathing.

The storm had just settled. The beast has gone to bed. Maybe i should go clean up? So the beast won't get mad when he see all the blood tomorrow. 

I lift my self up. 

The notebook falls on to the floor. 

"Shit." i whisper while standing still. 

The silence is still there. No new sound. 

I quietly walk across my room. One step at a time. I open the door, but not to much. I want to make sure the beast is asleep before i go outside. 

No sight of him. 

I open my door more and step down the hall. 

One step.

Two steps.

Three steps.

I get to the stairs and walk down carefully. I do not want to wake up the beast. When I finally get downstairs i see the mess. Bottles shattered all around. A path of blood from the kitchen to the bathroom. I step into the kitchen and get a bag out of on of the drawers. The glass pices are small. Very small. I can't really pick them up without harming myself even more. 

I check the clock on the stove. 3.46am. I should be asleep. I have school in the morning. But the beast. I do not want more problems with him. I start cleaning again. I find a broom and collect all the small pices in the trash bag. I mop the blood of. I check the clock again. 4.14. I really need sleep. I put away the broom and put the trash bag in the hallway. I sneak up the stairs and in to my room. My notebook is still on the floor. I pick it up slowly. I put it on the nightstand and get into bed. 

I look out the window. I look at all the stars. You will like me one day. If its the day I die atleast you loved me. 

Goodnight mom.