Recordings of Terror

Bwa! Ha! Ha!

Woah! (I scared myself)

Ahem! I am Villain, here at one of my hideouts, and I am trying to record my great exploits, my many adventures of courage and, er, villainy. I am creating this on the off chance that I am not caught so that future generations can learn about a truly great, well, villain!

As you might imagine, this all traces back to my childhood. I was having a perfectly normal day at kindergarten and things were going fine. Snack time had just been called, and I was looking forward to eating some rather delicious jellybeans that I had brought. Life was great.

But then this big lump of a nincompoop walks over, asks "Are you going to share?" in the stupidest of voices, grabs some of MY jellybeans, and then eats them! He had stolen my jellybeans. Well, I was not going to stand for it.

So, I put Mr. Idiot in a headlock and held my recently-invented raygun next to his head.

"Give me back my jellybeans, or else!"

Then the teacher arrived. Before the thief could make up some lie to defend himself, I declared, "He stole my jellybeans!"

Would you believe that she didn't believe me? She even took my raygun and punished me for having deadly weapons. I, who was only defending myself from a thieving bully! To add insult to injury, that vile teacher took the rest of my jellybeans and gave them to the great nincompoop. She claimed my treatment had traumatized him. Well, what about my treatment at his thieving hands?

It was that day that I learned there was no justice in the world. If such a great injustice could take place and not even my mother could recognize that I had been wronged, there could only be one explanation: the world is evil.

In such a world, there is no reason to be good. After all, if such a heartless world is allowed to continue, more poor kindergarteners will be denied the right to defend themselves from thieving bullies! I clearly have a sacred duty to destroy the world, and if innocent people are hurt in the process, it is simply their fault for perpetuating this system of injustice!

Ever since that day, I have been following my twelve-step plan for world domination. I blew up my elementary school with exploding jellybeans and never looked back. Nothing can deter me from my goals. Not even the incredible shine on that lens in the corner can distract me for more than the moment or ten that it takes to stare rapturously at it as if it can explain the vast details of the microscopic cosmos of dust particles that swirl in the air like tiny planets, so far removed in their peaceful course from this cruel world. Until I turn on the vacuum and dispose of them, of course.

Now, where was I?

Oh, yes! My most recent and devious scheme began when I set my sights on a nearby bank. Not to rob it, mind you. No, I was after something far more sinister. After incapacitating the guards and breaking into the vault, I was going to... (wait for it...) make a DEPOSIT!!!

Leave the mundane stuff to the boring supervillains. I am far more inventive.

At first, things were going perfectly. Beating the guards and the security system was almost too easy. Then, everything seemed to go wrong. You see, my archenemy had arrived.

He may have fallen into a vat of radioactive waste (Don't ask me how. Doesn't anyone guard those things?), and he might now have superpowers, but Egoman was still the incompetent bully who used to steal my jellybeans in kindergarten.

If not for his stupidity, I would have respected Egoman's many powers. Invincibility that could withstand a barrage of paper airplanes, flame-breath that no breath mint could contain, the strength to lift a ton (like, a lot) of marshmallows at once, and the ability to fly faster than a speeding bullfrog (who will not be ticketed), Egoman had it all. He even had an ego so big that he made people call him a super-duper hero. Tell me that's not cool.