I don't know what I'm doing

The first time I saw it.

Part 1 of; "The first time I saw it." 

+ Chapters will have 2 parts each posted in different intervals. Depending on the traction they get, I might increase the amount I write and what I post. Thank you for whoever finds this and puts in the time to read it!! +

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I was starting my freshmen year at high school. I went all of 8th grade on a laptop stuck in my room and being yelled at by my father and grandma. We lived with my grandma at the time because my dad was busy fighting my mom in court. They both were fighting to get or keep custody of my sister and me. It lasted for almost 10+ years and the amount I'd have to write to explain it all, would take me 10+ years. 

I don't remember a single time I wasn't being yelled at or punished for not complying with my dad or doing something as simple as dishes. We were even hit at times. I didn't know I was living in stress 24/7 because everything I was being put through became normal to me. CPS came to my house multiple times throughout the years because of self-harm and they never saw anything that was harmful enough for us to be removed. Even though the cuts were deep, and I was smiling at them, begging for help with my eyes, no one saw it. No one saw how hurt, confused, lost, and tired I was. My sister was also self-harming, and I think I was the role model for her decisions.  CPS left us there and I never saw them again after that day, but as soon as they left it was business as usual. I was yelled at till my eyes turned so red from crying and my voice started to fade away. Then I had to go sit back down in the living room and continue getting an " education. " I don't remember what kind of math I was taking at the time or what I was supposed to be doing because I found myself distracted with a boy named Skylar Cade Allan. I spent my time on online sites while my school meetings were going on in the background. I went onto sites like Omegle or Kik. Sites that young girls and boys were being exploited and groomed on a daily basis. I saw plenty of penises on those sites, but I was so young and naive, I didn't know what they were and that it was wrong. 

Skylar was a boy I met on the " text " option of Omegle. We had talked for almost an hour before he asked me for my Instagram. I gave it to him, and we continued to talk over facetime. He was cute to me back then and I didn't realize how ignorant I was by giving him my number or other personal information. For a few months when I was living part time with my stepmom and my dad, I would text Skylar and we'd sext almost every day. I was learning about sex at a very young age, and I didn't understand the feelings it was giving me. I didn't understand that it was normal and that most teenagers or kids my age felt that way. I was turning 11 or 12 around that time and I was still in the beginnings of 8th grade. I missed most of my 7th grade year and part of 6th because I was being pulled out of class for therapy appointments or other things I'll mention in the future.

 Eventually Skylar introduced me to the word " porn " and I got curious. YouTube wasn't very kid friendly 5+ years ago so it had porn and other inappropriate content. At one point, it had child pornography.  I searched the word porn and found myself in a world of shit. I watched the first video I saw, and I felt the most intense feelings in my body. It honestly scared me because I had no idea what they were doing. I was young and no one had given me the birds and the bees talk. I started learning about sex and other things all on my own due to my early access to the internet and social media. Later on, halfway through my 8th grade year, Skylar and I parted ways and I never spoke to him again. I did something silly that ended our friendship and to this day I'm still grateful that I did. Sometimes being naive and arrogant saved me from worse situations I could have been in.

 After a few days of spending time with my stepmom and stepsisters, I ended up getting distracted by someone else who entered my life right after Skylar. Her name was Mackenzie. She came over a few weeks after I ended things with Skylar while I was sitting in the living room. I was sitting on a red clawed up and dusty couch. It was leather but worn out. My dad at the time had recently finished cleaning the stairs of cat piss and dog shit. It was bad and made the entire duplex reek and it was hard to get used to. After he finished getting it cleaned and pulled the floorboards apart, it smelled 100x better but because of how much cat piss there was, it soaked into the carpet and underneath it, into the actual wood itself.  Either way, it was a lot better than it was before and seemed to look brighter as well. 

 While my dad was finishing up cleaning something else on the stairs and upstairs in the bathroom, my Stepmom was preparing dinner. I knew that someone was coming over because my stepsister had made mention of it, but I didn't know what time and if it would be that night. I was sitting on the couch watching everyone do their thing and I was messing around with an old phone or perhaps I was reading. Whatever I was doing, was put to a halt the moment Mackenzie walked through the door. I almost felt, electrified. I felt weird in all the " wrong " ways. I didn't understand what I was feeling because I usually felt those things for boys at school, not for girls. I swallowed the feelings down and told myself I was nervous about meeting someone new. Mackenzie walked in with a bright smile and was wearing black skinny jeans with black leggings. She had a red shirt on and a black leather jacket on top. Her hair was short and slightly curly. It was a reddish-brown color and some of it curled against the tips of her ears. Her smile was slightly crooked because some of her teeth weren't straight; it gave her a slight overbite. She was pretty overall and had an amazing laugh. I was hooked to her immediately. 

At that time, especially with politics, being gay or talking about it was a lot different than it is now. It was different in the sense that it wasn't argued about as much nor was it something to be entirely ashamed of. My part of the Gen Z generation was barely starting to be introduced to LGBTQA+ or anything of the sort so I had no idea what gay meant or what sexuality was. I didn't know that there were more genders yet or what gender meant to me or other people. I was young and it was okay to not understand. I think that's the problem today, so many people want to rush this on younger kids and teenagers without giving them the chance to be happy without having to make decisions about who they are. Every day I question who I am and that's because society has made me feel like I HAVE to make a decision. Anyway, I was young, and I didn't know how to express these feelings or if I should at all. So, I kept it hidden whenever Mackenzie was around. She came to the house multiple times a month and after that one month of knowing her, I started to understand what it was. 

I was upstairs finishing up the first layer of paint in my stepsister's room. By this point I had turned 13. I made it through the first quarter of 8th grade and things were feeling good. Even though I was having problems with my dad and my grandma at home, it was so normalized to me that I was okay. I didn't know it was wrong, the way they were treating me. I had music quietly playing in the background while I continued painting with the long roller. When Mackenzie walked into the room it was just her, alone. I felt my stomach fill with butterflies, and I went silent for a moment. She smiled at me with confidence and asked, "How are you?" I think I was speaking in my mind, but I couldn't actually get the words out of my mouth even though I was trying so hard to. I felt stuck and I had no idea what I should say to her. It was because I still didn't understand the feelings I had for her. It was making things very complicated and confusing for me especially around other friends or people my age. I wasn't as attracted to anyone anymore, but the problem was, I didn't know that I was attracted to Mackenzie yet. I didn't know that was possible or allowed. When I finally managed to reply to her, she laughed at my nervousness and embarrassment. It made me feel a bit more comfortable in a way. It made me feel like she understood what I was feeling and that I wasn't alone. 

I finished painting upstairs with everyone and we hung out on the other side of the duplex where a friend of my Stepmoms and stepsisters lived. Her name was Zoe. I forget her mom's name because we weren't around her that much at all. She was either working or at the bar. There was a lot of drama revolving around Zoes mom at the time, but I never asked questions. During the time that Mackenzie was there, two other friends of my Stepsister were there as well. They were all there for the entire weekend. We played different games like truth or dare, and one game called truth or dare, OR strip. It was extremely inappropriate for our ages, but everyone found it really fun to play. I had left the room for a bit to help out with something on the other side of the duplex so for about 20 minutes everyone was playing without me. When I came back and walked into the room where everyone was playing, Mackenzie was sitting there, in nothing but her bra and panties. I was so fucking shocked, and I didn't know what to say. That was the first time I had seen anyone in underwear in person. It was the first time I felt the feelings I felt watching those videos, but for someone in real life. For a girl.