I don't know what I'm doing

The first time I saw it. (Pt. 2)

Part 2 of; "The first time I saw it."

+ Chapters will have 2 parts each posted in different intervals. Depending on the traction they get, I might increase the amount I write and what I post. Thank you for whoever finds this and puts in the time to read it!! +

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For her. I felt those feelings for her and to tell you the truth, my tiny little brain was not ready for those kinds of feelings. I wasn't ready for romance and my age said it all. I wish I hadn't been exposed to so much at such a young age but my dad was busy. He was always busy and never showed me the kindness and respect I should have had from him. He taught me very valuable things that I use today but he also taught me things I've had to slowly unlearn in order to keep relationships.

He taught me wrong from right. That's the most important thing for a child to learn. That's the most important foundation for anyone at a young age because it's the major component for someone's personality in the future. If I wasn't taught certain things at my age, if I wasn't taught that the world didn't revolve around me, I would be a completely different person with different relationships and different paths. Things would have been completely alternate for me if there was ANYTHING changed. Even if my trauma was changed and had never happened, I would be a different person. I might have been happier if none of those things had happened to me, but I might not have been a good person. I could be wrong about it all. You never really know and that's the beauty and the chaos of the world. Sometimes it's better not to know something. I wish I hadn't learned certain things so young or even today at my age. I wish I wasn't so curious all the time and had to know what was happening. Ignorance is truly bliss sometimes.

After I had saw Mackenzie with no clothes on, I was kind of stuck. I was stuck thinking about her the rest of the time. The group tried to have me participate but I didn't feel comfortable with the game we were playing. Every truth or dare questions they gave me were easy. The only thing I had " stripped " off was a sock. By the time we were done playing the game, it was getting closer to dinner time. We all went back to the other side of the duplex to clean things up and wash our hands. I believe around this time it was still winter and we all wanted to make gingerbread houses. I still have a picture of everyone downstairs getting ready to devour our cute candy creations. It's weird looking at it sometimes because it feels so surreal to be where I am now. I had no idea that anything that happened to me after that day, would happen. I had no clue what would happen later upstairs either.

To bring things up to speed in a sense, today I am living in a trailer outside of my house. It's parked in the back yard near the garage door. It's really nice and comfortable but the family dynamic and toxic relationships I have with everyone who lives here, is not comfortable. I've been contemplating moving out and letting my " wings " expand. I've moved back and forth between my mom and dad over the years because both of my parents have shown me, time and time again, that they can't change and won't for me. The last time I moved, I moved into my mom's house. Before that, I was going back and forth between the both of them. My mom bought me the trailer so I wouldn't have to share my old room with my sibling. I was surprised by the gesture because before she bought it, I was living fulltime with my dad. I was living with him for about 6 months and those first 6 months were absolutely cruel to me. I was trying to decide who was the bad guy and who was hurting me the most. The reason why I moved back into my dad's house was because my mom had sold my car and took away my freedom. My dad had given me that car as a birthday present. I waited a while to get my permit and I was so happy. When I could finally drive it, I'd go EVERYWHERE. I drove on dirt roads and went exploring in neighborhoods I'd never been to before.

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I was sitting upstairs looking around the room I helped paint all day. I was looking at all the imperfections and places I could repaint. I was so lost inside my mind and things that my dad and I fought over the previous week, so when Mackenzie walked into the room, I didn't notice her at all. She sat down beside me and tapped me on the shoulder. I looked at her and I almost felt like crying. In a way, I didn't want to be around her at all because of the way she made me feel. I barely knew her, and I didn't understand the significance of romantic relationships. ( I didn't know how bad they hurt or how beautiful they are. I didn't know how one single person could change your entire life and everything you thought about yourself. I didn't know how beautiful and human they could make you feel. I didn't know how beautiful she could make me feel. I didn't know that in the future I'd have such a beautiful woman in my life. The one person who gave me the courage to write about these things. The one person who I feel more for than I've ever felt before. And if you're reading this, I'm talking about you Eevee.)

And yet, I still looked at her and I asked her, "Can I say something crazy?" She laughed at me for a moment and nodded at me. I didn't know how to say the words at all, so I picked up my old iPhone 5 and typed in the note's app, "Do you like me?" I looked at her while she read it so I could see if she'd react the same way I did. I saw her face light up and she smiled so brightly. She typed underneath it and said, "Yes." I felt fucking crazy, you have no idea.

After we had talked and I spilled my heart out like ink, we went downstairs to join everyone else and we fell asleep on that stupid, dusty, and ripped up red couch. And when I woke up in the morning, Mackenzie had to go back to her home 2 hours away. We said goodbye after she gave me her number. As soon as she was on the road, she texted me immediately and we talked on and off all day. When I got home with my dad and sister later on, we called for a bit and talked about our silly lives. Eventually the feelings I had for her started to dull out and they turned into something else completely. It turned into fear and disgust. I felt disgusted with myself. I didn't understand why or why the "nice" feelings I had for her were changing. I told her, "I feel really weird about this, and I don't know why. It feels wrong." She took a while to respond to me but when she finally did, she said, "I understand, I felt the same way, but I don't want to make you feel like this anymore if it's bothering you." I typed back saying, "No, I just need to go to bed and talk to you tomorrow. I need to figure it out."

I was up all-night thinking to myself and looking up what it meant to be with a girl. I learned a new word, "Lesbian/Gay." I learned a lot that night and that being "Gay" wasn't common at all. I didn't understand why or what the big deal was. All I knew was that I didn't feel normal or like other girls. I kept this all hidden away from my parents for a while. I never mentioned the words or that I felt gay. When I thought about other girls, I didn't feel anything at all. When I thought about boys though, I was attracted to them. I started to realize that I was only attracted to her and no other girls. I wasn't attracted to the genitalia or figures of a woman. I was attracted to her and that's why it confused me a lot. She wasn't a boy, she was a girl, so why was I ONLY attracted to her, and other girls didn't make me feel anything? I stopped thinking about it because it began to make me feel like there were no answers. I didn't want to think about it anymore because all I knew was that I loved her.

For months during our relationship, I went back and forth between my dad's and stepmoms. I'd see Mackenzie in person twice a month for 2-5 days. I was okay with the distance because it gave me time to figure things out within myself too. Every time I saw her, I had a great time. We never kissed or touch or anything for a while. I didn't feel anything sexual for her at that time, so I didn't do anything. I didn't know what to do either way. One of the times I saw her, we did touch a little bit, but I was too nervous to go any further or do anything else, so I stopped it immediately and we didn't talk about it afterwards.

Everything I went through with her helped me understand a lot about myself and what love was, but at the same time, she left me with so many questions and no answers at all. I was so young, and I was dealing with so much abuse in the background that if I continued the relationship with her, it would've turned into something toxic and it would have destroyed me. She was dealing with so much in her life too that eventually we didn't get to see each other for a month. When we did get to see each other again, we were broken up and hadn't talked much. She came to see my Stepsisters and stayed with us for a day at my Stepmoms house. We ignored each other for the first few hours. It's not because we were mad at each other, it's because I got myself involved with someone else. And what they did to me, still haunts me.