impossible

2

i should have pushed them off. i'm strong enough. why did i just take it? for hours. hours and hours they were doing this. and i couldn't even push them off? it's all my fault.

my thoughts just kept going and going until i was interrupted. it was my friends. they noticed that i wasn't sitting with them today. they were talking about the party and how it was the best party for them. i was playing with my food. i wasn't eating. i just couldn't.

they just wouldn't shut up about the party. "oh i loved the party! the drinks and everything" "oh i love this!" "oh i love that" i yelled at them to shut up about the party. that's when they really knew that something was going on.

they asked me what happened when we were at one of my friends' house. this was the room where is happened. i was freaking out inside. we were all on the same bed. they knew something was wrong with me. if i told them, they would freak out. i said that it doesn't matter. they refused to let me go until i told them.

i snapped. i wanted to go. i had to go. when one of my friends attempted to drag me back, i punched them. i realized what i have done. i ran into a corner and started crying. i wanted to block all of it. all of the images of my father whipping me with his friends. all of the images of those college students. they weren't mad. they were worried. i was scared. i told them not to come any closer. they didn't.

while i was trying to cool down, they were all in the living room, talking about me. not in a bad way. in a worried way. when i finally was okay, i went into the living room with them. they all looked worried. i told them that i could tell them. i could trust them. we have been friends since we were in kindergarten. same neighborhood and everything.

i told them that i was raped by college students. i didn't tell them about my father. they didn't know what to say. they tried to comfort me. they said i should tell my mother or a guidance counselor. i said i couldn't. i just couldn't. nobody would believe me. males can't get raped. especially male bullies.

they looked at each other, not knowing what to do. one of my friends said that they invited other friends to come over, so if we wanted to leave we could. they all decided to stay. i didn't want to go back to my father, so i stayed too. i wish i didn't.

those college friends. they were friends of a friend. i went to the bedroom where i was before, hoping they wouldn't notice me from 2 nights ago. i guess they did. at least one of them did. my friends were going to get food with some of the college students. one was left behind. with me. he went straight to me once they left. locked doors. closed curtains. creaky bed. a 6'2", 195 pound man on top of a 5'10", 145 pound boy. i tried to  push him away. i said no and i even tried to punch him.

he was bigger. he was stronger. he was better. he told me not to tell anyone or else. i didn't know what "or else" was. i was scared. i obviously didn't tell anyone. nobody would believe me.

who would believe a bully like me? fuck, i wouldn't even believe myself.