impossible

3

i was at the guidance counselor's office. my friends told him to check up on me. i was scared and frustrated. i hated them at that moment. he asked me a lot of questions. i answered some and left some unanswered. then came that one question. "do you self harm?" i didn't know what to say. sure, i did. but i been doing it since i was 12. nobody noticed. i had to lie.

i said that i never did self harm. he must have known i was lying because he told me to show him my arms. i refused. i said that nothing was there. he asked why it was a problem if nothing was there. i showed him my virgin arm. he didn't believe me. he made me show my other arm. it was filled with scars. old and new ones. he said that he has to call my parents to get me. they both had the day off, so they would get me together.

the car ride was horrifying. my mom was crying. my dad was yelling at me. i was terrified of my father. i was apologizing constantly. i was sorry. i really was. i didn't mean to. he said that i would get punished sooner or later. i'm sorry.

once we stepped home, my dad was more furious than he was in the car. he was breaking glass. he was throwing random stuff around. he was punching walls. me and my mom just watched him destroy this whole house. he then turned to me. he grabbed me by the neck and threw me on the floor. he was so angry. but bullies don't hurt as much as nerds do.

my mom got called into work and used that as an excuse to get out of this household. that left
me there with him. i was doing my homework. one of the few times that i did it without telling a nerd to do it for me. he walked into my room with a knife. i was scared. he was going to kill me. i was begging him not to kill me. he came closer and closer and the knife looked sharper each step he took. i said i would do anything he wanted. just don't kill me.

i did end up doing "anything." he invited his friends. they all had a party. while i was in the closet. only in my boxers. ready to get raped. possibly gang raped. and that's what happened. each of them had a turn smashing me. it wasn't gentle. it was the opposite of gentle—rough. i think i was even bleeding somewhere. i was begging for them to stop. i swear i did.

but i deserve it.

i'm a bully.