Oh Ms Believer

41. Jenna

I called Doc's office and explained the situation with Samantha. He'd agreed that he would come see Sam at home today.

I'd seen her turn a bit green when she got up to go  upstairs so I'd followed her a couple of seconds later and heard her throwing up in her bathroom. She was sobbing when I went in. I pulled her into my arms and let her cry. She cried that she hated feeling the way she was feeling, but wouldn't, or couldn't, elaborate.

Once she'd calmed down, I helped her up, helped her brush her teeth and rinse her mouth and then helped her into bed and tucked her in.

"Just rest, sweetheart, okay? You just relax and I'll come back up in a little while. Okay?"

Sam was staring straight ahead and didn't respond.

I went downstairs and saw Debby had arrived.

"Where's Sam?" She asked.

I sighed.

"Upstairs. She came downstairs thinking she was late for school because I didn't wake her up. She ate some breakfast but threw it up right after. I followed her upstairs because she looked a little green. Then she just was crying. Once she calmed down I tucked her back into bed. Doc is going to come here," I said.

Debby nodded and looked toward the stairs.

"Well, Rosie, Junie and I will go to the park when Doc gets here and stay out of your hair."

Thanks, Debby," I smiled. Having friends that cared about our kids as much as we do made navigating this just a little easier.

Debby and I finished giving the girls breakfast then I put Junie down for a nap and Rosie coloured in the playroom.

Doc was expected at 11, so at 10:45, with Junie up from her nap, Debby bundled both girls into the stroller, brought snacks and the diaper bag and headed to the park while I went to check on Samantha.

She was lying on her bed, curled up, eyes closed. I wasn't sure if she was asleep, so I went over to her and sat on her bed. Her eyes opened and she looked at me. Then she rolled over and away from me. I touched her shoulder and she flinched away again.

"Doc will be here in a few minutes. Do you want to come downstairs?"

Sam shook her head.

"Then I'll bring him up here," I said. She shrugged. I sighed.

I went downstairs to wait for Doc. Just before 11 he rang the bell and I let him up the driveway and into the house.

"How's she doing now?" He asked. I shook my head.

"She hasn't spoken since I told her I was letting her stay home from school today. She threw up her breakfast. I put her to bed and she's just been lying there since," I said. "She's self-harming. I found cuts on her arms yesterday."

"My assistant mentioned you said something about that," he said. "Okay. Is she coming downstairs?"

"No. I'll show you to her room. I'm not sure how much you're going to get out of her but she's really hurting and we can't get through to her."

Doc patted my shoulder. He's been through it all with Sam. He's been such a great resource for her and us. He knew we were trying. He knew Samantha.

I led him upstairs to Sam's room and knocked on the door.

"Sam, Doc is here," I said opening her door. She was still curled up on her bed, and looked like she was asleep. I gently shook her shoulder and her eyes fluttered open. She looked up  at me and then behind me to Doc.

"Hey, Sam. Mom says you're not doing so well," he said. "And that it'd be easier for you if I came here to talk with you."

Sam shrugged.

"I'll leave you two to talk," I said to Sam and Doc, left the room and went downstairs. I wanted to listen in but I wouldn't do that to Sam.

I cleaned the kitchen, put on some of the kids' laundry and tidied up a few things before sitting down to read for a little bit.

Debby came in around noon with the girls. Doc was still upstairs with Samantha.

"He's still here?" Debby asked, getting the girls out of the stroller.  I nodded.

"I haven't heard anything so I'm taking that as a good sign."

"I hope she's talking to him," Debby said. I agreed.  It hurt me so much how much Sam was hurting. And we hadn't known.

I got lunch ready for Rosie and Junie, and Debby and myself. I'd make Samantha whatever she wanted if she'd eat it.

Doc came downstairs a little while later. His face was grim.

"So?" I asked.

"Normally I can't discuss patients over 16, but I am going to highly recommend hospitalization. Samantha's anxiety is through the roof, her depression is the lowest I've ever seen her. She showed me her arms. And yes, as you said, she's self-harming. She's very obviously lost an incredible amount of weight for her age and height and activity level in general. She said whenever she eats, she throws up. She doesn't want to, and she isn't trying to lose weight. She simply can't eat. According to her."

"Did she say why she can't eat? Why she's so depressed and anxious?"

"She blames herself for the shooting," Doc said.

"She what?  Why would she blame herself? It isn't her fault Kyle did it," I said, incredulously.

"She feels it is because she tutored him and he still failed math and killed her friends."

"Oh," I said, tears flowing down my cheeks. "All this time?"

Doc nodded.

"At least the past month. She's been hiding it - or trying to anyway - from everyone. She thinks everyone knows it's her fault."

"No one thinks that," I sniffled.

"There's more. And this is why I think Samantha needs some in-patient treatment immediately. She believes she should have died that day. That she doesn't deserve to still be alive. That the bullet that killed Blaine should have killed her, too.  Or better, instead of him.  Her words."

"I have to talk to Tyler," I said. I couldn't send Samantha to the hospital without talking to Tyler about it.

"That's fine. But try to get in touch soon. I'd like to see her admitted tonight,"

"You think it's that bad?" I asked.

"No. I think we passed 'bad' a long time ago. Samantha is in crisis."

I nodded.

"Okay. I'm going to try to get in touch with Tyler immediately. I'll let you know what we decide."

Doc looked at me.

"I don't think there's another choice to be made. It's your daughter's life, here."

"I know, I know. Please. Let me process this and let me talk to Tyler."

"Okay," he said. "You have my mobile number. Call me when you know what you're doing."

I nodded and walked him to the door. As soon as it closed behind him and I heard his car door close, I collapsed and broke down into tears.

"I have to call Tyler," I croaked out. Debby nodded and went and grabbed my phone.