Alternate Dream Part 2

12. Living Together

The moment Hezron's lips had touched hers, he had to focus his entire strength on holding himself back from grabbing her hair and pulling her fully into him. He had thought so many times about how this would feel, her in his arms and his lips on hers. But it was all wrong, she couldn't be with him, he couldn't do that to her.  She would be better off with someone else. Someone more deserving of her. The thought left a sour taste in his mouth. But still his body kept forcing his mind to solely focus on the feeling of her lips touching his. At the end of that kiss he thought just maybe she was kissing him back. His heart sparked to life for just a fraction of a moment but then the alarm went off and he knew he was imagining things. He promised her he'd keep it to the minimum requirement so that's what he did. He wouldn't hurt her.

He felt physical pain to separate from her in that moment, when everything in him was screaming to pull her closer. He had put his hands on her arms to keep himself steady and to have just another moment of contact with her.

Now they were walking quietly toward his quarters. His chalet was more private than her room in the palace and he had more space, an extra bedroom. She would be more comfortable here than in her quarters with the one room and one bed to share. His breath caught at that last thought, before he quickly shoved it away.  

As they got further from the arena, there were less and less couples around them as they all went down different paths towards their dwellings. They were basically alone now. His hand ached to reach for hers. To provide the comfort he knew they both needed right now. But he wouldn't. He wouldn't risk her thinking he was trying to take advantage of the situation. And he couldn't risk getting his feelings further involved, when he knew he couldn't be with her.

All too soon they were nearing his dwelling. Technically paired couples were expected to mate immediately. The thought sent a racing beat to his heart, immediately followed by that now all too familiar pain, ache, and regret.

Next thing he knew they were just standing there in front of his door. He struggled to move. She stood still beside him, staring at the lock.

He took a deep breath and reached for his keys in his pocket.

~~~~~~~~~~~

Pea's mind was racing the entire walk to his house. A million thoughts running through, but struggling to focus on any one. She was a mess of ranging emotions, which was a foreign feeling to her.

Yet here they were standing in front of his door and he seemed frozen to his spot. What was he waiting for? Not that she minded. She was scared of what would happen once they entered. Would he expect her to complete all requirements? Surely he wouldn't make her go through with this last one. It wasn't in public, no one would know. But still she was panicking. She'd never even kissed a man before tonight. She found herself praying and asking God for guidance and, as always, she felt a peace come over her. One she appreciated more than anything at this moment. There was nothing she could do, but move forward with the situation she was in, and do her best to make it work.

A voice broke her thoughts. "No one will know what goes on behind this door. I want you to know you're safe in here. I would never do anything to hurt you. I need you to know that." He barely whispered his words but at the same time they were confident. She believed him. And she couldn't express the relief she felt. She seemed unable to say any words so she just reached out and squeezed his hand. After a moment he squeezed hers in return. Hands still entwined, he reached out with his free hand to unlock and open the door.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Pea found herself rummaging through cabinets early in the morning, looking for coffee. Surely he had coffee? When she found none she let out a grunt as she put her hands on the counter and took in a deep breath. "Great." She whispered to herself. "Just great." She had woken up way too early in the morning, unable to go back to sleep. After going through the details of last night in her mind and tossing and turning for probably an hour, she decided to get up and stop wallowing. 

She stood up straight and squared her shoulders, determined to not have a bad attitude. She brought out what ingredients she could find to prepare breakfast. She might as well make herself useful, if Hezron was going to be "stuck with her," as he had put it, for at least the next several days.

As she prepared and cooked she felt her mood lifting, focusing on the simple task. She began humming the lullaby her father had taught them, the one that had brought her here. It brought her a sense of calm and contentment as she worked.

"It's beautiful." Pea startled at the sound of his voice and dropped the spoon she was using, causing batter to splatter on the floor along with the bowl of fruit she had sat out.  "I apologize for startling you." They both lowered to clean up the mess on the floor. When they both reached to pick up an apple at the same time, Hezron's hand landed on top of hers. They both froze for a moment, staring at their hands. Their eyes moving upward to meet at the same time. "The melody..." Hezron continued softly. "It's a beautiful tune. And you have a lovely voice"

She blinked at him. She found herself unable to speak and unable to move her hand from his. She didn't want to. He moved to help her up and they stood there, less than an arms length apart. Pea realized he wasn't wearing his usual tunic, only a simple undershirt. Heat spread through her and her eyes moved to his lips of their own free will. She felt her face blushing but her mind was too focused on the memory of his lips on hers to care about anything else.  He cleared his throat and took a step toward the stove. "What are you making?" His voice came out low and gravely, sending shivers up her spine. "It smells good."

She moved to the stove beside him, removing the now burnt pancake from the pan, struggling to speak. "They're um... pancakes... pancakes and fruit. Is that alright?" She couldn't bring herself to look at him. If she couldn't control her feelings this early on, how was she going to make it alone with him in his home for a whole week.

"Sounds great. I'll get the honey."

She didn't respond and just closed her eyes. Taking a breath of relief at the distance he'd granted her. She could do this. She just needed to stay focused.

Breakfast was painstakingly quiet. They sat across from each other, both eating in silence. When she finally gave in and looked up at him she found him staring at her. She gulped. Her mind told her to look away but she couldn't.

"These are delicious, thank you." Hezron complimented.

She gave him a small smile and nodded. "You're welcome."

He stood and took his plate and glass to the kitchen, cleaning them off and then beginning to clean up the rest of the mess in the kitchen from breakfast. She stood and silently joined him in the task, working together until the job was complete.

She was struggling to reach the shelf she had seen him take the honey from, when he reached from behind her "here let me get that for you." He took the honey from her hand and placed it on the shelf. She turned but he was standing too close for her to move without touching him. She felt her breathing quicken and her heart pound. Now that he had kissed her, her body seemed all too aware of every movement he made, every breath he took, longing for him to reach for her again. Her mind felt so foolish. It was a short, simple, meaningless kiss for him. And yet her heart and body argued with her mind at every turn. Before she realized what she was doing, her hand reached up and her palm lay on his chest. His muscles tensed in response but he didn't move. Was it her imagination or was his heart beating as hard as hers?  Her eyes slowly moved upward and she saw his Adam's apple move as he swallowed and brought his arm down from the shelf. When she looked up at his face, his eyes were closed, his brows pinched together as if he was in pain. 

Is that what he thought of her touching him? She quickly removed her hand from his chest, turning and this time successfully moving away from him. As she walked toward her new room, she glanced back at him to see he was still standing there with his eyes closed, his hands now gripping the counter. When she was safely in her room with the door closed, she rushed into the bed and drew the covers up over her face. It didn't hurt so much when he had spoken of not wanting a partner in general terms, when it was a statement about any and all women. But this... this felt like he was specifically rejecting her. She tried to keep quiet as she sobbed into the pillow, her sounds muffled by the blankets covering her and the closed door behind her.