Magnolia

Seasons change

                                       ~Emilia~
My whole life has been constant. No disruptive change or life altering and challenging obstacles. Which I am completely grateful for, but that's over now. I'm no longer in my safe little bubble in Franklin, Tennessee. I don't know if I can handle all of the abrupt changes in my life all at once.

My dad dying, my sister leaving for college, and my mom going down a spiral and selling our house. I just can't take it. It's too much, too fast, too harsh. I know I still have my mom and I know my sister isn't gone for good obviously, but I'm not use to this much change and it's causing such an imbalance in my life that I no longer know how to feel. I feel sort of, I guess you could say, out of touch with reality.

It's been 3 days of me contemplating life in the middle of my half empty bedroom that I have yet to unpack. Despite the warm light illuminating my room I feel completely filled with darkness. I'm not usually like this I swear, I think I just need a minute to face reality, ok maybe more than a minute but you understand I hope.

Me and my mom have been in Magnolia Springs, Alabama for only 3 days and I can already tell I'm gonna have a hard time fitting in here. I graduated high school last year and it was hell, let me tell you that. I had one friend named Avery and she was wonderful but the rest of them were treacherous hogs. Sorry, but they were.

The only reason I'm still living with my mom instead of going to college is because I can't afford it. Before my dad died I was planning on going, I had applied to schools and everything. But we used the money for my sister who's a year older than me thinking we would be able to scrape enough money together for me within the next year. But things happen, people die, life changes, and there really nothing you can do.

I know I'm still "in despair" right now, but I promise I'm trying to lift my spirits. Is this process happening as slow as seasons change? Yes. But is it still happening? Also yes.

Today is Friday and I'm planning on attempting to drag my depressing butt out of bed on Sunday to find a job. I need just one more day of laziness and I also need money for a lot of things. Yes I have my mom but she quit her job and we now have no income. We bought the house from what little money we had from selling out old house and what dad left us which wasn't much at all.

I decide that I've grown hungry during my period of useless contemplation and decide to venture into the kitchen to find food. Unluckily for me, we have none.
Since we just got here a few days ago all we've been getting is takeout and those leftovers don't last very long in my house.

Seeing as we have no food and I desperately need food, I make the painful decision to venture into town to find something, anything.

Going upstairs I dig through some boxes and eventually find a box with suitable clothing to wear in public. After digging around for a while I decide on a pair of my most comfortable jeans and a thin, loose, navy blue sweater with daisies on it. Concluding the outfit I grab the closest sneakers to me which happen to be my white converse from literally 9th grade. They've gone through a lot, rip my converse.

Once I'm dressed I scavenge around for my mother and eventually find her in the back yard on an old white bench, looking towards the magnificent oak and willow trees. I can physically feel her sorrowful aura from inside the house and it kills me. My dad was her best friend, and vice versa. Sure I miss him so so so much, but I can't even imagine what she's going through.

I don't want to bother her, so I leave a note on the counter with a stray paper and broken pen I found. Once the note is complete I grab my keys, get in the car, and head into town. The drive down is absolutely stunning I have to admit that. Beautiful trees stretch over the roads as if attempting to hold hands with their neighbor just across the street. It creates this breathtaking tunnel of foliage and I almost crash due to the trance it's put me in.