Forgotten Promises

10 - n o w

Luca

I think I might be drowning in my own thoughts. I fail to shut my brain off, sometimes. It takes away from me the ability to sleep. I'm so tired, my eyes feel heavy but I cannot get to sleep.

It obviously has everything to do with my messed up life. Must it be so damn difficult?

I groan and put a pillow over my head.

God, I'm the word regret personified.

When I decided I had to go see Aubrey first thing after I came back, I made the second biggest mistake of my life. When I shamelessly intruded into her house then into her only safe place, I made the third biggest mistake of my life.

I honestly don't care if it was a bad move, which I'm too certain it was. As long as I got words out of her. Because frankly, I was expecting worse. I thought she wouldn't even look my way. Is it wrong to feel good about that?

My biggest, most huge mistake of all time, though? Leaving her in the first place.

I didn't have much of a choice back then, but now I can think of a million different ways I could've dealt with my complicated situation that forced me miles away from her.

One thing I know is that we're back to square one. She hates me and she probably definitely wants me six feet under the ground. I don't blame her. I was too impulsive and irrational and enrolled in the same college she studies at, just to be closer to her. In some part of my brain, I think things can be made right. That's the delusional part, though.

In reality, nothing can solve this. I lost my chance. My mind too, at that, but that's not relevant. I can't fix jackshit with her. I wish everything was just a tad bit easier. Maybe she could've still be an option for me that way. All I've done is made her life hell, or even worse. The way she looked at me, like she really wanted me to not exist made me sick. Makes me sick just thinking about it again.

I can't get her face out of my mind. Her tired eyes haunt me. I wish I could just undo the past three years and spend the rest of my life with her and just her, without a worry in the world.

How the hell am I supposed to get shut-eye knowing she's probably in the worst mental state?

I sit up straight. Distraction. That's what I need.

Removing my blanket from my lower body and getting up from my bed, I begin rummaging through the contents of my nightstand drawer. Useless papers are scattered everywhere. I push around a few items before my eyes finally land on it.

A keyring. With a nickel plated bullet attached to it.

The extremely familiar shiny piece of metal rolls smoothly around my fingers when I turn it. The letter A is engraved on to it.

Just like it's engraved on to my soul.

I slump back down on the bed before closing the drawer not regarding the mess inside it. I play with the keychain in between my fingers, scrutinizing it just like I have done a thousand times before.

The memory plays in my mind as vividly as a movie on a 8k tv screen. I shut my eyes, try to relish in the feeling because I know this is the only way I'll be able to be close to the only person that matters.

The woman I love hates me. And I don't know what to do about it or how to fix it.

A sigh escapes my mouth. My mind's in great disarray.

I'm such a fool, trying to distract myself from thoughts of her by thinking of her.

I stand up, shove the cold bullet back to where I pulled it out from, vowing to never take it out again. My hand closes around the door handle, yanking at it. Walking to the kitchen and not bothering to switch on any lights, I pour myself a glass of water and gulp it down in a matter of seconds.