sweetness and warmth

abience

the encounter during nighttime seemed like a fever dream considering how the following day went.

jay did not spare eryn a single word,
a single bit of attention,
not even a single glance.

she'd obviously go out of eryns way to not talk to her. whenever eryn would manage to get into jays view and be so close to interact with her all she got were the usual comments telling her to leave, the usual eye rolls, the usual avoidance.

it hurt eryn.

it felt like jay was picking and choosing when to be nice and when not as if it was all just an act in the first place. she felt like she was getting played with, as if her feelings were being played with.
it annoyed her.
there it was again, that rage.

she lowered her head letting out a light chuckle. eryns palms burned painfully from her nails digging into them, leaving red marks.
everyone besides eryn and ava have gone out to go grocery shopping while the mentioned two stayed back at the dorm. ava was showering which led to eryn sitting all by herself outside on the terrace of the small house, letting the warm summer air engulf her. she closed her eyes as she relaxed against the chair she was sitting on.

she just wanted to let go of all the worries and thoughts. besides jays childish behavior she did notice a slight change in her actions which she just couldn't get out of her head. jay seemed quieter and more hesitant than usual, as if something was on her mind, something she couldn't let go off. tho she was aware of that little worried voice in the back of her head, eryn wouldn't soften up and care just because jay might be overthinking something. she was still mean to her for no reason and it hurt her. she wants jay to care too.

after a few deep breaths she could feel someone's presence next to her.

cracking open one eye she felt all that sureness she had built up against worrying about jay crumble right one the spot. jay was standing there fiddling with her hands, seemingly nervous.

"what do you want"
"i wanted to talk to you"
"okay then go ahead"
jay sighed "look im sorry i-"

eryn didnt even let her finish, a loud laugh escaping her mouth.

"oh now you're sorry? for what? tell me, did ava send you or something?"
"no i felt bad for acting the way i did today"
"oh you have to be fucking kidding me"
eryn has stood up to stand in front of jay and look her straight in the eyes, piercing her soul with unapologetic anger. "you seriously come here to apologize for your behavior of one single day"

silence

jay didn't know what to say.
the guilt she has been feeling was eating her alive. she knew she fucked up, she understood why eryn reacted the way she did in that moment, she knew she did her wrong all those years back.
but what else should she have done?
she didn't know how to be fully honest with eryn.
she was scared she'd get made fun of again.
she was scared things from the past would repeat.

"do you even know what you put me through all those years? the hatred, the comparisons, the ignorance, everything. all that for you to suddenly act all nice and avoid me the next day again? oh and let me guess, now all you're gonna do is leave, the same thing you did back then. leave without a single explanation."

eryn almost choked on the last words having messed up her breathing rhythm with all the anger erupting from her as she wiped the hot tears falling out of her eyes.

jay couldn't move nor say a single thing, just stared straight forward at eryn feeling her heart break to tinier and tinier pieces with every sob and word coming from her. it felt like she was getting torn apart inside. like a sharp knife got rammed into her heart coated with eryns last words, jay leaving eryn behind. her body threatened to collapse, tears brimming in her eyes. she never wanted this.

eryn straightened up to look at jay again.
her own heart broke at the sight and she was already feeling regretful of the outburst of words she had there. it was too much and she knew that, but in that moment she just couldn't help but release that anger.

"apologize to me when you know how to explain yourself" and with that she left jay alone.

that evening they haven't seen each other again. eryn heard how the others were talking about jay feeling sick and wanting to stay in her and allies shared room.

scoffing at that she went to take a shower.
the water felt boiling hot, as if it was painfully and slowly making her skin dissolve into nothingness.
the shower cabin fogged up and everything around her seemed blurry, adding to her already blurred vision as she was yet again breaking out in tears.

she felt insanely guilty.

it wasn't fair of her to talk like that to jay.
she had her reasons, yes,
she was hurt and jay definitely fucked up, yes,
but eryn was no better.

she always returned the said things, showed hatred, ignored jay, avoided her, competed against her to show that shes better, openly despised her.

sitting on the floor she hugged her knees to place her head atop of them. she wanted to talk to jay but felt afraid.

afraid of confrontation and having to admit things she wasn't ready to admit.