"Unrequited love sucks because you can't force yourself to stop loving someone just as much as you can't force them to start loving you."
—
When you ask Risa about Leni, you notice she smiles a lot more than she usually does with your other questions. She gets giggly and her eyes would twinkle like stars. Her voice gets a tad higher. She's more excited, more engaged in the conversation. She speaks about Leni in such a manner that makes you wonder if there's something beneath that 'proud best friend' image she's built over the years.
So you ask her about it.
And the more your questions dive deeper into detail, the more her smiles become tighter, the twinkle in her eyes get a bit dimmer. her answers would get more vague, and she'd default back into the bubbly, ever-supportive best friend everyone knows her to be.
—
When you ask Risa how long she's loved Leni, she won't give you a definite number.
No measure of years or a specific time period. She won't say something cheesy either like "I don't know when I just did" type of thing. She won't give you even the slightest hint of where she was when she realized it, or how long it's exactly been since she started doing so.
She won't say she's loved Leni for longer than appropriate. Or longer than she can even admit to herself. She won't say she first realized she loved Leni in the most simplest of settings and in the most random of times. Then again when she sees Leni in a gorgeous dress, her hair flowing freely only slightly past her shoulders. She won't say she's loved Leni for so long she feels like she's no longer herself if she doesn't.
Instead, she'd smile at you and say, "Ever since."
When you ask Risa how much she loves Leni, she won't give you a certain measure.
No lengths she's willing to go to, no acts of love she's willing to perform, or sacrifices she's willing to make. She won't say it's a lot or not much. You'd wonder if it's more or it's less because you won't hear it from her.
She won't say she loves Leni so much that she's stuck with her through thick and thin. That she's lost sleep over their years of friendship just so she could tend to Leni, or that she drove miles just so she could reach her wherever she was. Risa won't tell you that despite her love (or obsession) for honey butter chips, she'd always give the last piece to Leni because she knows the other woman finds them delicious too, even when she says she doesn't. She won't say she loves Leni so much that she's willing to stay by Leni's side and fix her broken heart, even when her own is shattering all the time.
Instead, she'd smile at you and say, "Does it matter?"
When you ask Risa why she loves Leni, she won't give you a list of reasons.
No random, humorous reasons that are usually her type of answers in fast-talk interviews. She won't say them to you off the top of her head. She won't tell you she loves Leni because she's beautiful, and kind, and intelligent, and she's all Risa's ever got. She loves Leni because she sees her — flaws and all — and she still accepts Risa for who she is, but you won't hear that from her either.
She won't tell you she loves Leni because she makes her feel like life is worth living after everything she's been through. That there's more to life than hurt and suffering. That Leni's arms around her feel like home and that's the most loved she's ever felt since forever. Risa won't tell you she loves Leni because she listens to her and makes her laugh.
Instead, she'd smile at you and say, "Look at her. Then you'd know why."
When you ask Risa if she'll ever stop loving Leni, she won't give you a yes or a no.
No movement that could hint at whatever answer she's thinking of. Her head isn't nodding or shaking in confirmation or denial. She won't say she will, or she won't. Because she doesn't know either. Whether she'll stop loving Leni or not is a question she's asking herself often too.
She won't tell you there are moments when she thinks she's finally at that point where she's tired of hoping, praying, and wishing for a chance to be with the woman she loves. There are times she's so close to giving up, so close to her own breaking point that she just wants the love — the hopeless, unrequited love she's been keeping for so long — to disappear. And yet, each and every time she feels that way (she won't tell you this too), life has its fucked up way of pulling her back to that state of drowning and falling into Leni's platonic love for her, and her more-than-platonic love for Leni.
Instead, she'd smile at you and say, "We don't stop doing things we've been doing all our lives."
And finally, when you get tired of her surface-level answers and her tight smiles, you ask her the question that's been eating at you since the start.
When you finally ask Risa why she won't tell Leni about her feelings, she will not smile at you. She will not answer your question at all. You'll think, 'I'm getting a different answer, thank god'. But instead, you'll be surprised because she's gotten up from her seat and has left your side, and you'll sit there watching her every move.
You'll see her approach Leni, graciously accepting the water bottle the older woman handed to her, and she'll drink down the bitterness in her mouth brought by your question. For a while, you'll find it rude that she didn't answer you. For a while, you start to get angry at her for leaving you hanging. For a while.
Only for a while.
Because you've heard, and you know, that Risa's always been more of a doer than a talker, and she just answered your question in the most agonizing, gut-wrenching, and heartbreaking way possible.
From where you stand, you hear Leni say, "Nakita mo ba 'yung placard kanina? LenRisa 'yung nakalagay. Sabi nila it's an insinuation of you and I dating. Us, dating? That's the most ridiculous thing I've ever heard, Ris! Ang weird, ano?"
Risa makes eye contact with you and when she sees that you heard Leni speak, she smiles at you then looks away, wiping away the stray tear falling on her cheek. You see her nod and chuckle, going back to her usual bubbly, supportive best friend facade, and she says to Leni, "Yeah, weird."
