the thoughts of a child too scared to speak

ok so i found out how to make a new part lol

Hello Reader. Whoever you are, you might be one of the 2 friends i told about this account or you might be a stranger out there in the world, either way thank you for reading through the thoughts in my head.

i think im going to start every new part like that, i just like the certain ring that is has haha

why am i writing this? i know that no one is going to read it, then again i said that about my haikus and they got 76 views, but these are just big chunks of writing that are most likely boring

i think its more for myself as a person to express something every once in a while, ive gotten too used to just bottling everything up inside and never actually saying anything, just going along and saying "im fine" whenever someone asks if im ok, when in the truth im not, then again i only say im fine because i dont want to burden them. everyone has their own shit to deal with so why should i carry that out onto others and ask for their help when i can try and deal with my problems alone. this isnt like some anime or manga where the "power of friendship" is just gonna swoop in and save the day and suddenly everything is going to be better because things dont just get better like that, they take time, time that im not ready to commit to.

i love those plots in anime though, there was this one anime that i watched and highly reccomend, its called "orange" and in it (to give a brief summary (spoiler warning)) a group of friends use time travel to send notes back to their younger selves back in highschool to try and fix any regrets that they have made in their lives while also helping their friend with depression. If im being honest i wish my life was like that, i dont know whats happening to me, but i can tell its not good, i cant turn to my friends because i dont want to bother them, and i cant turn to my family because thats a whole nother can of worms that i dont want to open.

i can feel myself slipping away, sliding further towards the edge, i dont have anything to grab onto because if i think of everyone in my life like a flower, who am i to come along and stomp on them with my issues. i peered over the edge today. i saw the calmness on the other side and i thought about jumping, i mean how calm would everything be, and how relaxed would i be if i was nothing, i would no longer have to worry about the things that scare me, like whats gonna happen when the people arround me start to fade, i dont want to see them go, i want to feel their warmth forever and if letting go is apart of life, and i dont want to let go, then why be apart of life. 8 Billion. 8 Billion people live in this world, so whats so special about me, every thought that i have had has already been thought be someone else so whats the point of thinking them. people move on. people get over it. im loving life right now and my justification is: if im loving life right now, and i wont in the future, then why continue? why should i be forced to embrace this thing called life, when im not ready to. when i dont want to. one final message to anyone who knows me and is reading this, dont be scared, dont be afraid, nothing is going to happen, im not going to do anything. just come up to me and tell me everything is going to be ok, because those are the words that i need to hear, lets sit down, lets have a chat, and if you do come up to me and say those words, i will know you have read this, because no one ever says those words to me. i guess i should really explain the whole "slipping away, sliding and looking into a pit" metaphor i used earlier, as you can probably guess its not something good but i want you to know that the pit im refering to is one that im calling the pit of death and in that pit is a vast calming and empty nothingness devoid of life, so im sensing that you can guess whats going to happen if i fall in.

i disappear from life forever. and im talking about real life this time, not some metaphor. one POOF and im gone. 

rest assured that my pit has a roof, a roof of glass. i can look inside, but i will never fall, i can promise you that i will never fall. (ᵘⁿˡᵉˢˢ ᵒᶠ ᶜᵒᵘʳˢᵉ ᵗʰᵉ ʷᵉᶦᵍʰᵗ ᵍᵉᵗˢ ᵗᵒᵒ ʰᵉᵃᵛʸ ᵃⁿᵈ ᵗʰᵉ ᵍˡᵃˢˢ ˢʰᵃᵗᵗᵉʳˢ)

ok, for those who made it to the end. congrats. you made it to the end of the thoughts of a meaningless human. woo hoo.         probs gonna write some more haikus after this lol. Goodnight everyone