CINNAMON, janae watson

just want to be loved

OVER A WEEK had passed and Val had still not heard back about this 'cigarette business'. So she had already guessed that she wasn't going to be in on it.

She felt alone. It's like everyone had forgotten about her, and it seemed really easy to do so. 

"Hey." Val waddled into the library to see Poussey looking through the shelves, only receiving a head nod in response. Val didn't know what to say, ever since Vee had arrived there had just been so much tension around the whole group that it just was horrible to be around. "Everyone feels so... off, lately." She mumbled.

"Yeah," Poussey snickered, feeling down herself as she had most likely lost her best friend, "I talked to Taystee, she ain't happy with me." She sat down in a chair with a book in her hand as Val stayed standing.

"Why?" Val tucked a strand of hair behind her ear, suddenly feeling like her heart was going to fall out of her ass due to how anxious she was just to talk.

Poussey sighed. "I think Vee's bringing in drugs." Those few words made Val's stomach drop, were all of her friends doing this and just forgot to tell her? Or was it on purpose? She already knew Vee didn't like her, but she didn't even have a reason why. "I don't know how she is, but—-"

Val immediately cut Poussey off. "Wait, you knew about this cigarette shit she's doing? Why wasn't I even asked about this?" Honestly, it sort of hurt knowing no one even acknowledged her. Yeah, she didn't smoke and actually hated the smell of cigarettes, but it would've been nice for someone to think of her for once. "I even talked to Janae about it and still, nothing's fucking happened."

Poussey scoffed, feeling slightly aggravated that Val had now made the conversation about her. "Yeah, well, I haven't seen you since Valentine's Day, so I don't know how I was supposed to tell you." That was true. Val refused to go into the cafeteria for meals because she just felt out of place. She wasn't eating or sleeping. "And, look, you gotta stop going to Janae about everything."

"What the fuck is that supposed to mean?"

"Nothing." Poussey paused, looking up to Val now glaring at her with her eyebrows knitted together in anger. "All I'm saying is, you can't keep gettin' yourself attached to girls who don't like you." Attached may have been a bit of a strong word since Val and Janae weren't close, but Poussey could still notice how Val's eyes lit up everytime she talked about Janae, or simply held eye contact with her. "It's just gonna be you and Talia all over again."

Val let out a shaky breath and folded her arms across her chest. "How many times have I told you I never wanted to speak about that again?" Poussey was the only person who knew about what happened between Talia and Val. And Val definitely didn't want to imagine the same thing happening between her and Janae. "Why the fuck are all my friends suddenly turning against me? I feel so fucking alone all the time!"

Her voice cracked and she felt her eyes start to water, this had been one of the only times she had proper friends and it was taken away almost instantly. How the fuck is that fair?

"Oh, my God." Poussey held back the urge to groan, not in the mood for a fight and she definitely wasn't the hostile type either. "Val, no one's turning against you. Are you really having a fit over fucking cigarettes?"

"I'm not having a fit!"

The next thing Poussey would say was almost going to make Val go fucking mental. "Look, the only reason you wanna do that shit is because you're basically in love with Janae. You just want to be loved." It was a bit far and judging by the fact that Val didn't say a word for almost a minute made Poussey immediately regret her words.

"I'm not in love with her."

"Val—"

"I'm not!" The blonde yelled, thankful that the library was empty. Hopefully the halls, too. "You know what, go fuck yourself. I'm done with this shit."

"Shit. Val, wait—" Poussey tried to call after Val as she stomped out of the library, yet failed to do so. She knew she shouldn't have snapped and just ignored Val instead, that was the safest option.

Now, she had fucked up even more. And lost both of her best friends.

୨♡୧

VAL HAD TEARS falling out of her eyes as she just walked. She wasn't even looking where she was going but she knew she was outside, it was more or less obvious. "Hey," a recognisable voice called out to her, "uh, you okay?" Val finally looked up. Now making eye contact with the only person she didn't feel like seeing. "Val?" Janae tried again, not getting an answer.

Val couldn't find anything to say, she felt like she couldn't even talk. The only thing she could do was almost throw herself into Janae's chest, muffled sobs the only thing being heard.

Janae didn't know what to do, she awkwardly placed a hand on the back of Val's head. She wasn't a hugger, that's for sure, but she also wasn't that big of a dick. At least she didn't think she was. "Val, are you okay?" It took a while for Val to finally collect herself and pull apart. Luckily for her, no one else was around. How fucking embarrassing would that be?

The two held eye contact for a few seconds before Val reached up and gently connected their lips. It was stupid. Very fucking stupid. But it was in the moment. For a second, Val thought she felt Janae kiss her back, but maybe that was just her imagination.

Janae didn't pull apart though, to be fair she was basically in shock. Val finally did, and when she saw the expression on Janae's face she instantly regretted what she had just done. "Oh, shit." She squeaked, feeling like her whole world was about to collapse.

Janae was speechless. Her whole body was frozen. "Val, I'm not—"

"I know." Val cut her off. "I know." The two stood in silence for almost a minute, Val with tears in her eyes while Janae was just standing awkwardly. "I'm sorry. Can we please just forget this happened?"

"Yeah, yeah," Janae only nodded, "sure."

Val felt like she was going to throw up, and she was standing still for way too long. She walked away in shame, and regret, and sadness, and just fucking every negative you could ever think of.

Poussey was fucking right.

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hi, i'm really sorry but i may not update for a while because i've experienced just a really bad drop in my mental health recently and i'm really down. so pls enjoy this kinda awful chapter while i take a break