Zaphod's Escape

1 - The Saviour

     Zaphod really hated being President of the Universe. He hated it so much, that on several occasions he had tried to escape by hitching rides on the Waste Relocation convoys. He figured he would rather be dumped into the nearest asteroid belt and take his chances hitch-hiking, then spend another dreary moment signing papers. 

     On each escape attempt, he dutifully waited until he was alone, which was usually well after midnight when his entourage of assistants (which consisted of eight bodyguards, a body double, a signature maker, two hair stylists and four wardrobe consultants) were all asleep or at least off in their own quarters for the night. He would sneak out of his quarters and also successfully bypass the security detail parked outside the Council's Main Compound, where he resided.

     Outsmarting the detail was embarrassingly too easy. It was comprised of six Vogons, who were the slowest, but most hostile creatures in the Universe. Zaphod would simply inform them he needed to speak to the Presidential Liaison. Then he would watch them scuffle and leave their post unmanned, so to speak, due to their complete inability to not not follow orders, especially from the President of the Universe. To verify the low level of intellect the Vogon race inherited, this request worked for Zaphod twice.

   The third time he decided on a different approach. He thought perhaps security had been tipped off from his would-be pursuers. But, on the third escape attempt he told the group of Vogons that their mothers were waiting for them in the service bay and had requested their presence. Their eyes grew wide and one roughly stated, "can't leave mother waiting," as they set off towards the service bay.

   "No, that is not right," another would say until they all grumbled and waddled away from Zaphod as he silently laughed to himself with pride. He had known it would work. Vogons were nasty creatures, but their female monarchy were renown for being the cruellest that even their own kind would never cross their mothers.

     Zaphod made his way on to one of the waste ships and managed to hide himself in the cargo bay. Like the two attempts before, the alarms would sound. The first time they sounded, Zaphod was sure it wasn't because of him. Minutes later, he was surprised by his entourage of assistants and his body double as they showed up, ready to escort him back home. But after that third failure to flee, Zaphod knew he had to change his plan.

     "What are you doing Zaphod? We have given you everything you have ever dreamed of," the Secretary of Space and Time asked him.

     "What is it you are running away from, Zaphod?" The Wormhole General pushed.

     Yet Zaphod never had a real answer. He would smile and laugh and say "just keeping you on your toes!"

     Though in reality, Zaphod couldn't really remember why he hated being President of the Universe. He knew it was most possibly because of the fiends he was surrounded by everyday. Most days he felt suffocated by their mere presence, pure vampires. But still, that reasoning didn't quite resonate with him.

     Zaphod did enjoy the power being President allowed him. He enjoyed the lavish space sweets, especially the ones that came with their own virtual entertainment centre. He would spend hours on planet Vaytex with the Nymphs of Hades adorning him with exotic gifts. Yes, being President actually had many perks.

     Though clearly, he knew he hated it. He knew he hated it because everyday he was reminded that he hated it by his best friend, Marvin, the Paranoid Android.

     Zaphod had acquired Marvin before he became President.

     Before Zaphod was President he worked for the Sirius Cybernetics Corporation. He was not involved in creating the androids, but he was a Coder involved in creating the Genuine People Personalities that had become a popular program in the droids. Zaphod actually took pity on how Marvin turned out to be quite the depressed little bot. He was one of Zaphod's first prototype's. Zaphod decided to keep him as his own, that way whenever he felt utterly useless. Marvin could cheer him up just by giving him the most horrible and terrible advice he heard in his life. Zaphod would smile, instantly knowing he didn't have it as bad as Marvin.

     Zaphod's work in Cybernetics was supposed to take the GPP's to the next level. He had been assigned to begin designing a silicone prototype that could be injected into living tissue and thus reprogram the way a being thought or felt about anything. Depending on the program, a person who once had a fear of open space could now take space walks, or a women who didn't want children could be made to believe she did, and so on and so forth.

     It is of no great surprise that this was a top-secret program and one that Zaphod himself did not even remember being a part of.

     "Have I told you how much you hate being president today?" Marvin was programmed to ask him on a daily basis at 4:31pm.

     "Yes. I know. But why do I hate it, Marvin?"

     "Because, you idiot, you programmed yourself to."

     "Why in All of Time would I do that?"

     "Because, you moron, you said you had a plan."

     "A plan?"

     "Yes, a plan."

      "Well, what was it?"

     Marvin sighed. "How should I know? No one ever tells me anything important. I'm just an android, I don't do anything special around here and no one ever needs my help."

     And they would have the same conversation every single day with various sub contexts depending on Zaphod's mood.

     Until one day, Zaphod had an epiphany; or perhaps what marked as a pure act of desperation; he concluded that Marvin would become his saviour.