Those Weaker Branches That Will Eventually Fall from the Trees [Part 1]

What was I doing before it happened? Before that feverish, dreamy state I once possessed twisted into something more like a nightmare. Had I felt better, or worse than I do now? Was this event just another broken bone? If God ever hears any of us.. A question worthy of asking is where the line between the things that will build us lies, and where we might find it with the things that will destroy us?

There was a crash. It was thunderous and vibrated our flimsy tin roof with the force of its fall. We were just nervous at first, my mother and I, especially me. I looked out the kitchen window with anxious agitation. "You know the tree above the house is shedding its branches because of how heavy the ice is? That's what's falling on the roof." I had never seen this kind of storm before. The rain had frozen onto every tree I saw, looking like a bunch of wild, frozen veins. Even now, when I close these heavy lids, I see them. As if the veins in my eyes are those icy branches enveloping me, taunting me. There was an enormous tree looming right over our tiny home. It was old and girthy with many branches, some bigger than the width of our roof. I turned back to her, while she was sitting in her chair. She let out a heavy sigh. "Well, nothing we can do about it." I always hated that response she'd often give in almost any of our unfortunate circumstances.

Part of that was because it was often true, and I would feel powerless again. Maybe this repeated feeling of powerlessness was why I was so obsessed with controlling stupid bullshit that didn't matter. I was painfully aware of the control that was present in my grooming habits, the food I ate, and the way I lived. But it was a force I could not stop, and the irony was that it made me feel even less in control of myself.  

"Okay," I let out in annoyance. "I guess we'll just sit here and have the roof cave in on us." I didn't fully believe that was going to happen, but for the first time in a while, I didn't want to be inside the house. I decided just to shut up and go about my business like normal, so as to not further dredge up any more anxiety. We figured not many more branches would fall and even if they did, we weren't at any physical risk, even though the crashes were startling. I remember I was eating scrambled eggs when the loudest crash came around. It was a meal I had nearly three times a day, every day. It was a nauseating routine, but somehow it felt safe-- as if less bad things would happen around me. I know it didn't matter though, just as it doesn't matter now.

Still, even knowing that, I'll always be searching for something to ease the chaos. Whether it's in my head or the kind of chaos that falls on top of it. But, if anyone tried to offer me scrambled eggs now, I'd fucking spit it in them. A sudden, deafening bang made me jump out of the chair I was sitting in--plate of eggs still in hand. It was a sort of awkward pounce I did over towards my mother, thinking for a second merely out of fight-or-flight instinct that maybe I could protect her, or simply that we would just hold each other if the roof really did cave in over our heads. A few fleeting seconds passed as we looked at each other with frightened faces. There were no tree branches dramatically caving into the roof and we were both still in one piece.  

"Oh my God!" My mother exclaimed in disbelief. I placidly rushed towards the outside door to check on how bad the exterior was. The air was damp and wet, with cold, little droplets that began to collect on my skin. The air that left my mouth formed a small cloud into the atmosphere. It was a lonely reminder that I was indeed still alive. When was the last time I stepped foot outside? I could barely even remember. As I looked to the roof, I noticed a large trunk which had landed itself there and slumped over with its dead weight. It stretched so far off I could actually touch it. The thinner tips of its bough were as if many hands with skinny, sharp fingers were stretching out back towards me. Should I push it off the roof? I pondered.  

More trees encased in hulking ice began to fall by nearly every neighboring house. The sounds of them snapping off and cracking echoed for miles. "What the fuck..." I muttered in a stupor. Another branch fell near the house, the ice shattering like glass when it struck the earth. I cowered slightly, putting up my arms over my head for a moment. I looked back towards the long, limp branch on our roof. I'll take a rain check on gettin' you off, I decidedly thought to myself. I ran back to the door when I heard something like a whip or a snap in front of me. I focused my eyes a bit, blurry from the chilly rain. It was a wire. An electrical wire that had just fallen into our front yard, and it was blocking our main exit. "Shit!" I yelled, rushing back inside.

"There's a downed wire in the yard, it's right by the main gate." My mother reproachfully stepped toward me. "What!? You can't be serious right now."

"It fell just as I was coming back inside. It could be a live wire."

She looked at me, dumbfounded, proceeding eagerly to scope out the window. Evening began to fall quickly and soon enough it was too dark to even see in front of us. The wire was thin and indiscernible, sticking itself to the ground like a black leech. "Shit. I can't see," she said as she pulled back from the window, defeated. "This is a nightmare. If there's a live wire right by the gate, then we're trapped while branches are hurling down on us. I don't know how we haven't lost power yet."  

She was starting to become more afraid than I was, and with her growing anxiety, the cold reality of the situation began closing in on me. I felt my body begin to shiver senselessly as I attempted to speak. "I feel like we're sitting ducks if we stay here, mom. We should try to leave somehow and go stay at a hotel." Her voice began to shake with a mixture of desperation and fear.

"How are we going to leave? Do we really try to leave and risk getting electrocuted, or do we stay here until these fucking branches cave in and kill us!" She paused, choking up a bit while sniffling. "That isn't to mention we barely have enough money to even afford a hotel."

I could tell she was holding back from completely breaking down. "Mom..." I put my arm on her shoulder, rubbing it gently. I was just as scared as she was but selfishly, I had the dick-minded thought of: God dammit.. Does she have to react that way? Suddenly another thought occurred to me. Why didn't we think of it before? There was another way-- another exit we just never really used. This was our Godsend. "Mom, there's a small gate in the fence, remember? We can leave that way and avoid the wire. I- I..." I didn't want to play the hero. I didn't want to be brave or, "be a man," as growing up I was so often told. Well, look where that advice got me. A recluse since the moment I turned eighteen. I was a coward. I had always been a coward. It's why I was wasting away my youth and becoming someone, I barely recognized. It's like you look into the mirror and a little kid is looking back at you. Except that kid has had the color drained from his face, along with this dead look in his eyes. He's got these deep dark circles and lines are starting to form around his mouth already.  

I think they call em' "laugh lines" because those creases are laughing right at you. I know I sure haven't gotten them from doing any smiling. I had become a ghost to myself and any feeling of pride had become a foreign concept. It's as if your mind has rotted so much that, even if you wanted to, you're not sure if you can even return to the normalcies of the outside world. And why do we do such a thing to ourselves? When did we start to put ourselves in cages, believing in the illusion of freedom, thinking that we can fly? Failing to uphold these tragically unrealistic expectations, looking to anyone else for assurance and direction rather than ourselves. Our lives may simply be those weaker branches that will eventually fall from the trees. In that shivering moment, however, I was exonerated. I was simply a human being with a mother I wanted to protect. I wanted to protect my dog, and my cat too.

I had a need for us all to be safe. I'd be damned to sit in the chaos all night, crying and holding each other. Fuck everything else. There was nothing left to think about.  Still standing by the window, scared shitless, I let out a deep sigh before I began again, grabbing the car keys off the door-hook.

"I'll pull the car around in front by the gate. Pack some things and I'll get the animals. We're staying at a hotel. We are leaving."