End of the World - The Walking Dead

Chapter 11

                               𝒲𝑒'𝓁𝓁 𝓂𝑒𝑒𝓉 𝒶𝑔𝒶𝒾𝓃.

                          《"𝘜𝘯𝘵𝘪𝘭 𝘯𝘦𝘹𝘵 𝘵𝘪𝘮𝘦."》

      My mind ran in circles. I stood up and walked to the other wall. I stared at him, who stared back at me. "I'm sorry." He mouthed.
      I closed my eyes tightly. That's why he made today so good. That's why we got 'married'. That's why he told me he loved me. That's what the weak smiles were about.
      He was going to die. And there was no way to stop it.
Suddenly, my world went quiet. There weren't any sobs. There wasn't sniffing. There wasn't talking, or splashing, or anything. It was just.. noiseless. Empty.
I wondered if I had died. If this is what death looked like. Hurt. Sorrow. Pain. Emptiness.
I was lost in my own head. I thought about forever. I'd love him forever. Forever was supposed to be longer than it was going to be.
Forever was supposed to be 60 more years. It was supposed to be us sitting on a porch when we won against the dead.
I had never been good at emotional stuff. I never found good coping mechanisms.
I could think of one thing after a minute. Carl. I needed him. I had found my other half, and it was to be snatched from me.
A loud explosion woke me from this abyss. He looked worse.
I walked back toward him and squatted next to him. He handed me a letter.
Rick made room for me as Carl gave me his hand. "I got bit." He said.
I rested my head against the side of his. "You know, I'd be lying if I said I could go on after you go." I told him, choking slightly on tears. He grasped my hand.
"We've always known that not all of us were going to make it out alive." He said. "I've accepted it."
"Goddamn it, Carl." I said. "We shouldn't have gone." He was in pain.
"Here, help me move him." Rick said. He and Michonne carried him over to the cot we brought for Siddiq.
"That better?" Michonne asked him.
"Yeah." He replied. "Thanks."
He took my hand again. I looked at Michonne, who nodded. I bent down to his ear. "Carl, I'm pretty sure that, uh.." I started.
"She's pregnant." Michonne finished. Carl looked up at me and smiled.
"I, uh, I got these." Siddiq said. "They're over-the-counter, non-steroidal, anti-inflammatories. They'll help a little with the fever. They did for my mom and dad. Please take them. Your son... he should have them."
"You're a doctor?" Rick asked.
"I was a resident.. before. Yeah." He said.
"Your name is Siddiq?"
"Yes."
"Did you know he was a doctor? Is that why you brought him back?"
"He wasn't gonna make it alone. He needed us. That's why."
       "He was the one at the gas station." Rick said. Another explosion, which caused some loosened concrete to fall. Rick covered Carl.
       He coughed. "Water, give him water." Michonne said.
        Rick gave him the water. I stroked his head softly. He smiled up at me. "This isn't goodbye forever." He said.
       I drowned everything but him out.
       "Please, Carl. You can't just touch my soul and leave me. You can't just leave me here. Alone."
       "You aren't alone." He said. "You won't be alone. I'll still be with you. Promise."
       "I can't. I can't take it." I said. "I had you when I lost Valerie. I was a mess. Chaos. And in the middle of my chaos was you. And you kept it together. I can't do it without you."
       "Remember what I said. Keep your fire, Charlotte." He said. Charlotte. A name so rarely used toward me. A name I'd pushed away. A name I would accept forever. Charlotte.
      "We shouldn't have gone."
      "Yes, we should have."
      "Carl, we're just kids. Kids aren't supposed to save others. We should've realized that sooner. We wouldn't be in this situation—"
      "Charlotte." He said, interrupting me. "Don't fight me. Not now."
      I nodded. "I'm sorry." I said. "Why do I have to lose you, too?"
      "Because that's how God wants it to be." He said. "I love you."
      Loved me. Loving me must have been so fucking hard.
       He was the only boy - man - I ever loved. I'd ever love. My thoughts must've shown in my eyes.
       "It's not your fault. Not me, not those three deaths before me. You can forgive yourself." He said.
       Michonne came back over. I hadn't even realized her absence. "You left." Carl said. "You were supposed to be resting."
       "I'm not tired." She said.
       "Yeah." He said. "You look great." He chuckled. "It's gotta stop, Michonne. It's not supposed to be like this. I know if can be better."
       I took in every feature of his face, and remembered it.
       I'd have pictures, and I had that video to remember his voice.
       It would never be enough.
       Michonne looked at our hands. "You two married now?" She asked with a smile. He nodded.
       "Charlotte Grimes." He said. "Carrying my child."
       I smiled back. "Maybe." I said. "I don't know for sure."
       "You'll be an awesome mom." He said.
       A tear fell down my cheek. "You'd have been an even better father." I said. Michonne grabbed my hand.
       I kissed his forehead. He sat up, my brain couldn't comprehend why, until Judith was in front of him.
       I heard his voice, but not the words. My vision was flashing. Carl grabbed my hand. "It's okay." He said. I sat on the cot next to him. He kissed me.
       "You were helping me honor my mom." Siddiq said.
       "Not just yours." Carl said. "Mine, too."
       "You brought me here. Gave me a chance. I know I can never repay you... but I can honor you. By showing your people, your f-friends, your family." He chuckled softly. "Your wife. That what you did wasn't for nothing. That it mattered. That it— that it meant something. Because it did. So that's what I'm gonna do. I'm gonna honor you, Carl."
      Carl smiled and shook his hand.    "Congratulations. You're stuck with us." He said.
      Carl laid back down, his head on my lap. We made him comfortable.
       "You okay?" Michonne asked.
       "I don't want you guys to be sad after this. Or angry. You're gonna have to be strong. For yourself. For me." He said.
       "I will." Michonne said. He looked at me.
       I said nothing. I wouldn't be able to do that. "Don't shut down." He told me. "Don't carry this. Not this part. You two are my best friends."
       "You're mine, too."  Michonne said. I choked on my tears more.
       "You're mine." I said.
       Rick and Michonne picked him up. We took him out and into Alexandria again. I walked behind them. We made it to the church. They laid him down. "Thanks for- for getting me here." He said.
      "I'm sorry. I didn't want you out there." Rick said.
     "No. For getting me here." He said. "For- for making it so I could be who- who I wound up." His breath became shallow. Not long left.
     "Back at the prison, when we got attacked, there was a kid, a little older than me. He had a gun. He was— he was starting to put it down, and I-I shot him. He was— he was giving it up, and I- I just.. I shot him. I think about him. What I did to him and how— how easy it was to just kill him."
      "Carl, no. No. What happened.. what you'd lost.. all those things you had to.. you had to do. You- you- you were just a boy." Rick said.
      "And you saw it. What it did. How- how easy it got. That's why you changed. Why you brought those people from Woodbury in. You brought them in, and we all lived together. We were enemies. You put away your gun. You did it so I could change, so I could be who I am now. What you did then.. how you stopped fighting... it was right. It still is. It can be like that again. You can still be like that again."
      Michonne put a hand on my shoulder. I soaked him in. His personality as I listened to him plead with his father about change.
      He was always the good one. Always the reasonable one.
      "Carl, it was all for you." Rick said. I had realized I had zoned out again. "Right from the start. Back in Atlanta, the farm— everything I did, it was for you.  Then, at the prison, it was for you and Judith. It still is. It's gonna be. And nothing— nothing is gonna change that."
      "I want this for you." He said.
      "I'm gonna make it real, Carl. I promise. I'm gonna make it real."
      He looked at me, then back at Rick. "Help take care of her, and the baby." He said.
      I rested my head on his. "I love you." I whispered.
      I kissed his forehead softly.
      "I will." Rick said.
      We watched him. "Carl, I'm sorry." Rick said. "I'm sorry I couldn't protect you. A father's job is to protect his son."
      "Love." Carl said. "It's just to love." He reached down and removed the gun from its holster. I gasped slightly.
      "No. No." Rick said.
      "Carl..." Michonne started. "It— it should be.."
      "I know, I know. Somebody you love. When you can't do it yourself. But I still can. I grew up. I have to do this. Me."
      I held myself up. "I love you." He said to Michonne.
      "I love you, too." She answered.
      He looked to Rick. "I love you, Dad." He cried.
      "I love you, Carl." He answered. "So much." He bent over and kissed his forehead.
      Then he looked at me. "I love you, Mrs. Grimes." He said, chuckling lightly. He weakly moved his hand to my face. "Take the ring." He said. I nodded and took it off his hand. "And promise me, no matter what, that you'll be brave when you're afraid."
      "I will. I love you, Carl." I said, my words were choked and pained. "Wait for me. I need you to wait for me."
      "I'll see you later." He said. "Goodbye." Michonne and Rick walked me out.
       The sun was up. I sat down. Minutes later, I heard a silenced gunshot.
       I cried. Pathetically. He was gone. Forever. I wanted to die. Why did he have to die?
       Rick and Michonne dug a grave, and then buried him. I gathered rocks, and built a cross out of sticks and stuck it in the ground. I laid the rocks in a pile, then put a flower down.
       I took a walk to the Grimes'. I looked at our handprints. I bent down to it, tears streaming down my face and put my hand up to his handprint.
      I looked at the tree from the porch, and the porch itself. I looked at the rocking chair and felt it, then went inside. Small things of his still lay around. I saw a blue fingerprint on the faucet.
       I walked upstairs and bandaged my leg. My injury had reopened. Then, I went to his room. I dug through a pile of clothes and found one of his flannels. I sat on the ground and held it to my face.
       Carl Grimes was a man I knew. A man I loved. The only man I ever would love.
       And though we were both young, we were both old as well.
       We grew up together. Became adults. Mentally, but never physically. At least not him.
       I bid you adieu, my love. My rock. My Carl.
       I wanted to be angry. I wanted to kill. I wanted to give in, and die. To just be with him again.
       How could I go on? Alone. I heard the door open and close twice, then Michonne called up to me.
       "We have to go." She called. I threw the flannel on and stood up.
       Flashes of memories flooded my head of us as I walked out of the room.
       I walked down the stairs and we left.
       I got in the van and stared at the old gazebo we used to sit at. I then saw Rick and Michonne running at it and putting the fire out.
       They couldn't finish before walkers were on them. They got in the car and Rick drove off. I watched it burn as we drove by.
       I looked behind as we drove out of the safety of our walls. Well, what used to be safety.
       "What do you think he meant?" Rick asked. "Did he want us to stop fighting the Saviors? Just... surrender to Negan?"
       "We could pull over. We could read what he wrote." Michonne said.
       "No. Not yet. Not me." Rick said. I knew I couldn't either. Not while it was fresh.
       I head Michonne smile through her next words. "This one's for you." She said, handing one back to me.  
      I looked at it. 'Carl Junior. Or whatever your name ends up being.' It said. He had known before.
      "How-" I started.
       "I told him." She said. I nodded and put it with my other letter.
       "Rick." Michonne said. "He— Carl, he.. he wrote a letter to Negan."
       "I need to talk to Jadis." Rick said.
       "What?"
       "They have weapons.. people. We can't just give that up."
        "Why now?"
        "They went with me to the Sanctuary. The Saviors saw us there. They're gonna be a target, too. We still need them. They're ours, not theirs."
        We drove to a junkyard.
        We all got out and walked into a shipping container. Rick opened the door, and things started to fall. Michonne grabbed my hand and we ran away from it.
        There were walkers. We tried to move things to clear the doorway, but were unsuccessful.
       "Dammit." Rick said.
       I'd be lying if I said I wanted to keep fighting in that moment, but I knew I had to. For Carl.
      I grabbed my gun and fired. We made our way up. Michonne helped me to the top.
      "Rick." A woman said. The woman.
      "What happened here?" Michonne asked.
      "The Saviors." She answered. 
      "Well, how do we get out?" 
      "Get out.. How you got in." We looked down at the exit, now covered in junk. "These weren't heaps before. It was just trash laid out, as far as the eye could see. I used to come here to find things to paint on. Metal sheets. Fabrics. And then after.. everything changed.. I realized this whole place was a canvas.  That we were the paint. We could create something new. Become something new. We did." Her voice cracked. "This was our world. Apart from everyone else. In every way."
     "You did this." Rick said. "This is because of you."
     He grabbed a car door and a rag and ripped two things up so they stuck out.
     "What are you doing?" Michonne asked.
     "We're gonna make a run for it." Rick said.
     "Let me come with you. Just until they're gone." The woman said. I had never learned her name.
      "Nah." Rick said, looking at Michonne. "I'm done with her games. She can't help us anyway. Come on."
      We ran for it. I was the middle man, so I fired when necessary.
     We made it to the exit and climbed on top, then then moved things and crawled through.
      We ran out of the storage container and back into the van and drove off.
      I curled into a ball and laid down, not to sleep, just to rest.
      I drowned the world out and just thought. About him.
      I spent a lot of time thinking about him, actually. More than I should've. I was stuck. Trapped. Trapped in that moment.
      Not the moment of his death. The moment he was bit.
      I could've done more. If I had shot them when I had the chance, let the others get on me, he'd still be here. I had the chance to save him.
      I had the chance to save him, and I failed.
      Michonne tapped me. "We're here." She said. I sat up and gathered my few things, including the two letters and got out. We walked up and through the gate.
      Immediately, I felt secure. Secure enough to break if I needed to.
      And I did. The second I saw the pitiful look on Maggie's face.
      I felt tears stream down my face as I stumbled forward, and I fell to my knees. Maggie was next to me. She held me.
      "It's okay." She said. I believed her. I believed her because she went through what I went through. She knew. She lost Glenn.
      I grasped on to her arm. "Maggie." I said through my sobs. "Maggie, I was there. I could've stopped him from getting bit."
      "No, you couldn't have." She replied. "You couldn't have."
      "He didn't deserve this." I said. "I did. I do. He was too pure. He was too perfect. Too kind, and too beautiful."
      "You don't deserve it, either." She said. She tore me off her chest and grabbed my face. "It'll all be okay, okay? You'll see him again. Someday. Let's just focus on you for a minute, okay?"
"Okay." I answered. My breath was shakey and short.
"Let's get your breathing under control, okay? Breathe with me." She held a steady breath. I joined in, which helped. "Let's think of good things, okay? Like the fact there's a Carl Junior on the way, right?"
I smiled softly and nodded. "Right." I said.
      She took my hand. "Let's get you up to the house." She said.
      We walked up to the building, where Enid and Michonne were. I sat in between them.
       I thought now was just as good a time as any for my heart to break more.
       I pulled my letter out of my backpack. I hadn't noticed how heavy it was before. I unwrapped the piece of paper and an MP3 player fell out.
       I inspected it, then read the note. I first noticed a tiny 1/2 on the top, and realized I was holding two pieces of paper.
Charlotte,
       By now, I'm long gone. You've probably made it to Hilltop, and you're probably upset. Don't be. Don't be angry, or sad. Be happy. Be happy because you survived. Charlie, you are alive. Take a breath, feel the air enter and exit your lungs. Feel the sun touch your cheeks. Feel the breeze. Take another breath. This is enough. And I've learned that enough is everything. Especially when you could have nothing. I know you're wanting to start a war, because that's what the fire inside you is telling you to do, but I'm saying, don't. I don't want that for you. I don't want you to hurt Negan, or kill him. I want you to forgive him. I once said I wanted to kill him, but I've grown since then. You have too. So forgive him. Be the light you want to see in the world. Be the light I no longer can be. Just because he's done terrible things, doesn't make him a terrible person. I've done terrible things. You have, too. We all do terrible things. But we wouldn't be here if someone didn't forgive us. Even if that someone is ourselves. Which is something I need you to do. Forgive yourself. Forgive me. Forgive Siddiq. It's not his fault, and it's not yours. It's no one's. Don't lay around and mope because I'm gone. You're a fighter, Charlie. Fighter's do not give up, and they don't back down. Pick up your sword and your shield and fight. Fight for what's right. Fight for Negan. Fight for my dad. Fight for yourself. And for the love of God, fight for peace. Peace is the only thing that will save us. You. CJ. That stands for Carl Junior, by the way =) So fight well, and fight hard, but fight for the right cause.

      2/2
       Continue to shine like the beautiful woman you are. Continue to breathe, and live. Continue to care. And continue my legacy. Help people when you can. Defy my father sometimes, because like I've said before, sometimes kids have to show their parents, or their in laws in this case, (if you said yes to my proposal) the right way. Show him the way. I want you to know, that you can sleep. You can sleep well, because from the other side, I am fighting the bad dreams off when they come for you. I'll be there with you the entire time. I'll be there. You can still talk to me. Just because I can't respond does not mean I'm not there. And when it comes time, I'll carry you with me to the other side. Because you changed a lot for me. I remember who you were when we found you. I remember watching that slip from you. I remember the scared girl you were. Now look at you. You put things into perspective. I helped you, and you helped me see the bigger picture. There are millions of things I wish I had time to say. I wish I could explain how deeply I care for you. I wish I could comfort you more. I wish we had time. But our story ends here, love, and it has been fulfilling. Survive, and don't forget to live. Until next time.
                                                            Carl.
            P.S. The MP3 player has a song loaded on it. Every time you miss me, play it.
          

      I smiled and wiped the tears from my face, then turned on the MP3 Player.
       I put the earbuds in and pressed play. We'll Meet Again. The Ink Spots.
       When the song was finished, I wiped more tears and wrapped the headphones on to the MP3 player.
       It felt weird. Everyone else was moving on, and I was still stuck in that moment.
       I dug through my bag and found a small stack of polaroid pictures.
       There was one of us sitting on the gazebo roof, one of us out in the woods. One of us in his house and multiple on his porch.
      One stuck out to me. A few weeks before, when we snuck out, it had started to rain, so, we took shelter.
       I sat, watching the stairwell with my gun out, just in case walkers broke in.
       Or worse. A Savior.
       Carl took the picture and labeled it. 'Charlie keeping watch :)" it said. I smiled at it.

"Charlie, come on. It's fine." He said, setting the polaroid down. "Relax a little."
He stood up and extended his arm down to me."Dance with me." He said.
I took his hand and he lifted me up, then we danced. We danced for what seemed to be half an hour. Hushed laughter filled the hallway, and I felt his lips touch mine. "Beautiful girl." He said.

I snapped out of it.
       I decided to save the video camera for later. When I really needed it.
       I watched as Maggie, Enid, Rosita, and Michonne scavenged.
       "What's going on?" I asked Maggie.
       "We're going out." She replied. I stood up. "By we, I didn't mean you."
       "I need this." I said. "Please."
       She sighed. "All right. Just, don't do anything irrational. Carl wouldn't want you to get yourself killed." She said. I nodded.
       I helped them finish, then we got in the van and drove off.
       I didn't know what was happening. I didn't care. I had Carl's gun, which Rick had given me, and my bow, and my knife.
       I fidgeted with Carl's ring. I didn't know what to do with it, considering it wouldn't fit me.
       Enid watched me. "Sorry I missed the wedding." She said, smiling.
       I shook my head and smiled. "He wanted to. Now I know why, but.. you know." I said.
       "Can I see that?" She asked. I looked at her, indifferent, thinking about whether or not I should. "I won't lose it, or break it. Promise."
       I nodded and handed it to her. She took something out of her bag and turned away from me.
       I watched her back as she did something.
When she turned back around, she was holding a necklace. A necklace with the ring.
"He'll always be right at your heart now." She said. "Turn around."
I did as she said. She pinned it together in the back, then turned me around again. "It looks good on you." She said. I smiled down at it.
"Thank you." I said.
"Of course."