Buckingham Nicks A/U Series Part 7: Say You Will

And I Who Was The Hourglass

Santa Monica, California
Saturday, September 30, 2002
(10:00 am)
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"I want Mommy! I want Mommy!"

Amber's shouting filled the upstairs hallway. Sara had been doing her best to do as her father had told her, to keep her little sister occupied and quiet so Mom could rest, but after two episodes of SpongeBob SquarePants and two episodes of Hey Arnold!, watching television and eating Lucky Charms in Sara's bedroom had worn thin and Amber had become restless.

"Amber, come back in here!" Sara commanded in a whisper yell. "Daddy's going to be mad. He told you Mommy is resting."

"I just want to see her for a minute!" Amber yelled, running towards the closed door of the master bedroom at the end of the hallway. "One minute, Sara! I don't care what Daddy says! I want to see Mommy!"

Sara had just attempted to grab her sister's arm when the door opened, and Stevie, in her green silk pajamas and tangled hair, stood in the doorway.

"It's okay, Sara," she told her fourteen-year-old daughter, who clearly looked at her wit's end. "She can come in. I'm not sleeping."

"I told you!" Amber stuck her tongue out at Sara, who disappeared back into her own bedroom.

"Amber, come lay down with me," Stevie said. Amber was already halfway through the door. She scrambled up onto the impossibly tall bed, the bed where she was sometimes allowed to sleep if she had a bad dream and her mother picked her up and placed her in bed with herself and Daddy and the dogs and called them The One Big Sleep Family and made her giggle and forget about her bad dream. Stevie climbed into bed with her and said, "Don't be mad at Sara, honey. She's only trying to help because Daddy told her to. It's okay if you want to hang out with me in here."

"How come you're still in bed, Mommy? Are you sick?" Amber picked nervously at the front of her pink pajamas with strawberries printed on them. Her blonde hair was pulled up into pigtails, and Stevie made a mental note to trim her bangs before they got too long.

"Not really, just tired," Stevie said. "Yesterday was a big day at work with Daddy and Uncle Mick and Aunt Karen and I didn't feel good, so Daddy took me home and told me I should rest."

"I think you're always tired, Mommy." Amber looked down at her lap. "You look like you're tired."

"Well that is true, baby girl." Stevie got under the covers and tucked Amber in as well. They lay on their sides, facing each other in bed. "You're almost five years old, so do you think you can keep secret like a big girl?" Amber nodded, and Stevie began to brush her daughter's bangs with her fingers. "You know how all of your friends at school have moms who are younger than me? Well that's because you didn't come out till Daddy and I were a lot older; first we were young and Julia was born, and then Aaron, and then we got older and Sara came out. I didn't think there were any more babies in there but then came you!" Stevie tapped her daughter's tiny button nose with her finger, and Amber smiled.

"Is that the secret? You're older?" Amber squinted her eyes, trying to understand.

"Kind of," Stevie said. "It's the first part. The secret is that when a girl grows up and becomes a woman, she can have babies if she wants to. But then when she gets even older, she stops being able to have babies, and then lots of weird stuff happens in her body for a little while because it changes inside."

"You're tired because you're changing?" Amber looked concerned. "I'm sorry, Mommy."

"It's okay, baby girl." She smiled. "I don't mind if I get tired from the changing because all the stuff that changes is all the stuff that gave me you! Amber Aspen Buckingham."

"And Sara and Aaron and Julia," said Amber. "So that's why you don't feel good? You're not sick?"

"Well I'm going to go to the doctor on Monday and he's going to find out for sure," Stevie explained. "But listen to me, Amber. Can you be a big girl one more time for me today?" Amber nodded again. "Okay. Whatever you hear, I don't want you to worry. Maybe I'm tired and changing and sick too, but if I'm sick, the doctor will fix me and I'll be all better, and then you can come with me and Daddy and Uncle Mick and Uncle John and watch us sing at the concert. Is that cool?"

"Yes!" Amber smiled. "And if I learn to ride my bike I can ride it in the place where you sing because Julia told me she rode her bike at the concert place when she was little with Jodie before you got tired and started changing."

Stevie smiled, loving the little girl beside her so much she felt her heart ache just looking at her. Amber was going to be five in December, just making the cut for the age restriction to start kindergarten, and like her sisters, she was already wise beyond her years and a miniature adult. But she was also a little girl, and Stevie realized in that moment how much she was depended on as a mother, how much Amber looked to her for answers, for support, for guidance. Amber idolized her mother, sometimes a bit too much, and like her older sister Sara, was so similar to her it was like looking into a magic mirror and seeing a reflection of 1953, the year Stevie herself was five years old.

"You are so smart, Amber Aspen Buckingham," she told her daughter, twirling one of her pigtails in her fingers. "Do you know what I think? I think you are the smartest little girl I've ever met."

"Julia and Sara are smart girls too, though," said Amber, almost defensively in support of her sisters.

"They are very smart, but you have a special kind of smartness...you know how?" Amber shook her head. "You have the kind of smartness that is in your heart and not just your head. You understand things but you also understand feelings like a grownup sometimes, baby girl, and it blows me away!" She looked at Amber's sweet, honest smile and said, "You know, sometimes I think we forget you're still little, Daddy and I. Julia and Aaron and Sara are all older and sometimes you're the only kid around, and I think sometimes you might get scared or confused." She watched Amber's smile fade and her eyes drop. "Amber, it's okay. You can tell me. Were you scared and confused today when you had to stay in Sara's room and be quiet because I don't feel good?"

Amber nodded sadly, and Stevie could see her trying not to cry. My God, she really IS me! Stevie pulled her little girl into a hug, and she could feel her starting to breathe like she was crying. "Oh, baby...I'm okay. I'm sorry you got scared, honey, but everything is fine, okay? I'm not sick and I'm going to rest and be less tired, and it's going to be okay." She kissed the top of the tiny blonde head at her chest. "Do you want to stay in here with me for awhile and we'll rest together?"

Amber's voice was muffled and tearful as she said, "Okay."

"Then let's do that," said Stevie. She wiped Amber's tears away and then said, "Let's just chill out and talk about anything you want, and then we'll get up and have something to eat in a little while. Sound good to you?"

"Yeah." Amber sniffled and wiped her nose with her finger before curling up in her mother's arms. "Mommy? Will you tell me the story of the day I was born again? That's my favorite story, and also the one about the bed on the floor." Her mood instantly improved, Amber couldn't help but giggle. Stevie had told her that she and Lindsey once slept with their mattress on the floor and Amber had laughed like it was the funniest thing she'd ever heard.

"You got it, baby girl." Stevie began. "Once upon a time, when it was almost Christmas, Daddy and I said let's go to Aspen and have some fun together before baby Amber is born..."

Amber settled into the crook of her mother's arm, happily listening to the story she'd heard a million times before, mostly at bedtime, and just as she did then, Stevie stroked her golden blonde pigtails and her wispy little bangs...and she felt she was looking into a mirror. Stevie had always seen parts of herself reflected in her children, and parts of Lindsey as well, which is why she called them their four greatest collaborations.

By the end of the story they were both asleep, and for the first time since she'd fainted the day before, Stevie was not secretly terrified that something was actually wrong.

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