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Chapter 23 (Emily) - The Night With Charlie

Mother never came home that night. At four o'clock in the morning, she texted me that everything had gone brilliantly. Yes, brilliantly! Who even talks like that? She hoped that I was sleeping, but just in case I wasn't, I shouldn't wait for her. She had run into an old friend and would be spending the rest of the night with him. 'See you tomorrow after school. Love. Mom.'

Reading the message made me feel like I was just being brushed out of the way. 'Better say something to Emily. I hope she doesn't answer because I'm too busy seducing someone.' If I were the kind of person who uses foul language, it would go here. How can you be so wrapped up in your own drama that you don't have the time to exchange a few words with your own daughter who was worried sick that you were going to die?

I became so angry that I had to fight not to smash the phone against the wall. Charlie saw it and tried to wrap his arms around me. It must have felt awkward for him because I was stiff as the tube of a grenade launcher, and like a rookie struggling to assemble one, he didn't know where to put his hands. I felt them fumbling all over my body, touching mostly the right places. They did not feel intrusive or uncomfortable, so I decided to give them the benefit of the doubt.

'Thank you for staying up with me. At least someone cares.'

His hands had now found the strategic places from where it was possible to mount the final push through the defences. I knew this because when he stroked me softly, I felt my body vibrate like an underground bunker during heavy shelling.

'At least you know that she's okay.'

I didn't want to answer anything. His touch was a promise of love, so I decided to surrender. With my whole life unravelling around me, someone would conquer me sooner or later. I could do a lot worse than Charlie. My hands took a firm hold of his back, and I pulled myself tightly against him. My head rested against his muscular left shoulder. The rough wool of his pullover tickled my cheek and neck. He smelled of smoke, and the kind of insect repellent type of deodorant teenage boys like to use liberally. I drank all of it because every molecule escaping from his body that entered mine made me less like a piece of a grenade launcher and more like a normal human being. Gas attacks are outlawed in war because they are so effective.

Sometimes tears surprise you completely. The funny thing with surprise tears is that you don't know if they are for pain or for joy. You might not even know who or what you are crying for, but knowing is overrated. What you know doesn't matter nearly as much as what you are, and surprise tears are something you should just let be; they have their purpose, as do all things in life.

With his calloused palm, Charlie gently pressed my head firmer against his chest. He has always been good at letting things just be. That's one of the things I love in him. I listened to the silence. It is the best way to know if you are with someone who loves you. You know that to be true when the silence is not telling you anything scary or uncomfortable. Voices lie all the time, but the silence doesn't know how to lie.

An eternity later, the tears had completed their work. Charlie was stroking my hair softly. I offered him a place in my bed, saying that we would sleep better if we slept together. He said that Mrs Smith would kill us both if she found us in the same bed.

'No, she won't. Special circumstances. Your mom will understand.'

'There is no such thing as "special circumstances" for her. You know that.'

I did know that. Charlie's mom is one of the people who believe in stuff. Then it becomes so important to do what is right and 'pure' that it no longer matters what is happening in the real world. I don't believe in that sort of thing. Life does not come with an instructions manual.