The Wildness of My Imagination

Bridge jumping

Bridge jumping

I never thought I would willingly want to jump over a bridge into a flowing river. Of course, I'd thought of suicide in every way possible, but willingly? No.

It happened when I was walking back home from dance. I was going through the bridge, quite close to the water, and I could see it black and shimmering; it reminded me of 'Into the Water' by Paula Hawkins. I thought of the women who had killed themselves by jumping into the water.

As I continued walking, the sudden thought to jump overcame me. There was a tightness in my chest like it was killing me not to jump. I shook off the feeling, but it came back, I imagined myself dropping my knapsack by the road and climbing over the ledge, standing over it, and spreading my arms out like it was the best feeling ever.

I stopped.

I remembered my mother, how she would cry like a mad woman, hating that I died by suicide meaning instant hell for me. I thought of my brothers and how loudly they would cry out because they would never see their sister anymore. I thought of my father who would cry silently every night, wanting his beloved daughter back for one more moment. I thought of myself and how disappointed I would be for being selfish.

A woman would stop her car and hold me by the legs, not letting go even though I was already leaning towards the water, and a man would join her and would force me down no matter how much I resist. The woman would hold me close whispering "It's gonna be alright", she would look into both my eyes, the right one looks dead and empty, the left one filled with hope. She would be confused and later go on to wonder why my eyes revealed so much but so little.

The police arrive, and my parents find me. On their faces, I see disappointment and anguish. They wonder what they missed and try bringing me back, But I'm gone, only living in the body for their sake.

I imagine all of it on my way back home.

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This has nothing to do with critisising anyone who commits suicide. Whenever I hear that someone commited suicide, I feel so pained and hurt.

R.I.P to anyone who died through suicide.
❤❤❤

Apologies for any mistakes.